Mosh Potatoes

Rocco:  *sound of flushing* Is it possible for onions to move through you that quickly?

Me:  Definitely.

Rocco:  Well I guess that explains it then.  Be warned, the bathroom smells like White Castle.

Now that you’re all ravenously hungry, I have to tell you about my new cookbook – Mosh Potatoes: Recipes, Anecdotes and Mayhem from the Heavyweights of Heavy Metal.

You had totally forgotten I used to work in METAL, didn’t you?  I knew I should have lit Herbert on fire in that last uke video.  I’m losing my edge.

When I heard last week that one of my former METAL coworkers, Steve “Buckshot” (no seriously) Seabury, had just released his first book, I ran right out and bought it.  Now, just in time for Thanksgiving,  I have access to culinary delights such as “Iron Quiche,” “Kale ‘Em All,” “Weeping Brown Eye Chili,” and the ever appetizing “Shrimp Clits on Grit Cakes.”  So who wants to come over for dinner?!?

What?  It’s too far a commute?  Well,I have a solution!  How about I just include the recipe by Gen from Genitorturers‘ “Hot Rod Penis Loaf” right here?

Hot Rod Penis Loaf

Originally hailing from New Mexico, I came up with this fun twist on a long time family meatloaf dish, deciding to spice it up a bit Genitorturers-style.  It has been a mainstay hit at dinner parties at our house, thanks to its kick of heat and Southwest flavor.  Last time I made this, however, my husband, David “Evil D” Vincent, insisted we alter the design in an attempt to appeal to the palates of the men folk.  Thus we constructed a vagina or vulva loaf.  I have to say, while it was equally tasty, the end result proved a bit disturbing and is not recommended, as the inner recessed tend to fill up with questionable-looking “juices” in a way that resembles a venereal disease.  A friendly reminder of why I prefer the penis…bon appétit!

Satisfies 6 completely!

1 pound lean ground beef
1 pound ground pork
One can hot Ro*tel tomatoes
2 tablespoons medium New Mexico chile powder
2 celery stalks, chopped
1 small-to-medium onion, chopped
3 garlic cloves, minced or pressed
1 teaspoon whole black peppercorns
2 teaspoons cumin seeds
1 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 egg
1/2 sleeve saltine crackers, smashed
2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce (preferably Lee and Perrins)
One 8-ounce can tomato sauce or 1/2 cup ketchup

Preheat oven to 375°F

Combine all the ingredients.  Best way to mix is just by grabbing that big ball of meat and mashing everything together by hand.*

Once all the ingredients are well mixed, grab the entire glob and place in an un-greased 13x9x2-inch glass baking pan.

Now friends, this is where the fun begins.  Fashion into the most complete likeness of your favorite penis!  I prefer to make the shaft portion fairly thick.  Remember, folks, it does shrink during cooking.

Bake 1 hour.  Drain off excess drippings.

*NOTE: Make sure to remove any rings.  Trust me on this one.  It’s a bad scene that will haunt you if you don’t.

Really, I am too good to you, Interwebz.


  1. Two words that should never appear in the same sentence: Penis & Loaf.

    I may not eat for a week. No wonder all the Metal heads I knew were anorexic waifs.

    1. Funny most of the dicks I know are always loafing around. There is a surprisingly high ratio of shepherds pie recipes to all other types, FYI.

  2. I’m actually going out to get this cookbook. NOW.
    Loving how they invoked the Genitorturers in the name of spicing things up.
    And Shrimp Clits on Grit Cakes? SEAFOOD AND GENITALIA COMBO WIN WIN!!!

  3. since when do you have to remove the cockring before enjoying.

    “satisfies 6 completely” bwahahaha!

    hope there’s a stud muffin recipe in there.

  4. I made cupcakes that looked like tits once. It was accidental but there you have it. True “cup” cakes. I’ve never concocted any genital appetizers though, spicy or otherwise. Obviously I’m doing it wrong. Also? I seem to have lost my appetite. 🙂 Plus, I was horrified originally that the “Hot Rod” in question here might be tiny spike goblin Rod Stewart. No one needs to eat anything named after him or his little man.

  5. That kinda didn’t make me hungry at all, but I think it’s because I’ve always been a little bit scared of meatloaf. And now I can’t stop picturing vagina meatloaf.


    1. Yeah, vagina meatloaf. I just had a visual of Sister Merry Hellish’s zany off kilter co-worker going face down in it to get laughs during what could have been a very tame holiday gathering. Once someone smashes head first into the meat, it all goes downhill from there.

  6. Genitalia food crafts? I wonder if Martha Stewart will do an episode on that? Thanksgiving vagina turkey meatloaf perhaps? The studio audience could all oh and ah at how juicy it is. I’d actually sit through an episode to see that.

  7. I have been laughing for ten minutes trying to write something but I just don’t know what to say. I’m flummoxed! (And please don’t post a photo.)

  8. I heard about this cookbook on NPR or PBS and immediately put it in the vault for about 12 people on my Christmas list…. Good to know that it should not be unveiled in front of the in laws, so thank you for the preview…

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