Miriam Webster is a Bully

Why isn’t never mind one word?  Nevermind.  Doesn’t that just look right?  It sounds right, too.

But apparently Webster or Oxford or some other oppressor decided it needed to be two words.  And no matter how many times I type it as one word, spell check never wavers.  Nevermind is wrong.  Red dots scream their protests, like picketing aphids.  The little fuckers…

And what about sometimes?  Why does that get to be one word and never mind doesn’t?  Don’t they seem like they would be on equal footing in the great candidacy for one-word-ness?

Say ’em both out loud.  Sometimes has that hard m in the middle that makes you pause naturally, right?  You have to un-purse your lips and get that tongue all up on your teeth before you can move to the next syllable.  Running those syllable together is harder to do than gracefully dismounting a charging rhino.

But never mind? There’s a rhythm there, right?  You just flow from the errrr to the mmm.  It’s like trying to separate where a river ends and a lake begins.  If that ain’t justification for one-word-ness, I don’t know what is.

And while we’re not even remotely on the subject, why is there a springtime, summertime, and wintertime…but there’s no falltime?  I checked, there isn’t an autumntime either.  How about some standards, English Language?  You and your arbitrary rules are frustrating me.

No, I DON’T have better things to talk about today.  This is a very serious issue.  Don’t make me punch you in the vagina.

Don’t even get me started on a lot.  It bugs me.  Alot.

Shit, now I’m running out of examples.  Hold please…

*dials phone*

Thom:  “Hello?”

Me:  “Words that should be two words but aren’t or vice versa.  Like vice versa for example.  Or never mind and sometimes.”

Thom:  *mumbles*

Me:  “Did you say kumquat?”

Thom:  “No, I said cumbucket.”

Me:  “That’s not an example.”

Thom:  “Why not?  Is it one or two words?

Me:  “I think it should be one.”

Thom:  “Google it.  If it’s two words you have another example.”

Me:  “Well shit.”

And what about cum bucket?  How is that possibly two words?!?

I think I’ll stop while I’m behind.

But one more thing.  Can I give a little shout out to Renée over at Life in the Boomer Lane for two seconds?  She gave me an award yesterday.  At least I think she did.  I’m not really retaining new information well at this point, but I’m pretty sure that’s what happened.  And she wrote my new favorite blurb.  I’m having it printed on my business cards from now on.  Also I kind of want to hump her face.  In the non-sexual way of course.  Otherwise it would be weird and awkward.  *nervous laughter, shifty eyes*

She is a gifted writer even though most of the words she uses consist of uke (which she plays beautifully, while she sings beautifully) and vagina (which gives her an enormous amount of pleasure to have) and uterus (which now houses a mini male or female version of Elly) and poop.  I think Elly is really funny, in that way that makes you really grateful you are out of school and not sitting next to her in fifth grade.

So if you’re looking for coherent today, go read Renée.  Definitely stay away from my piece at Sprocket Ink.  Also stay away from singing baby dolls in dark alleys at 2am.  That’s just good advice for any day.  You’re welcome.


  1. And what about BugginWord? Why does it have a capital in the middle of it? Shouldn’t it just be Bugginword, or Bugging Word, or Buggin’ Word?

    Speaking of stupid things about the English language, what is the point of having a “g” on the ends of all those words ending in “ing”? Wouldn’t just “in” be easier than “ing”? The “g” is like an appendix, or tonsils. Something with no purpose that just causes trouble, and unnecessary visits to the Doctors office.

      1. I’d agree with Tom G. “serving no purpose”. Not sure about the unnecessary trips to the Doctor’s office though.

  2. If you had ANY idea how many Woolly Mammoths I would have given up to have sat next to you in 5th grade you would need nine hands to count them all.
    That sentence started to unravel about four words in but I couldn’t stop it once it got going.
    Like a bad Ice Age snowball and an uneducated jerk all rolled into one cold ignorant mass moving at unimaginable speeds down a frosty hillside.

    Also? I’m no longer consulting Roget’s Thesauras, Websters or any other such “rule” book about words.
    I’m going to continue to make up new ones as I go along.

    1. Makin up words is really the best way to go. I like to alter my spellcheck to accept my New World Order English. Yeah, I have a name for my foul language. And nothin ends with a G. I am gaggin on my own brilliance over here.

  3. Atleast…I really want that to be one word. The blurb about you is perfect. I am really enjoying Sprocket Ink…awesome.

  4. Spell check has a whole other oppressive layer as well, you know. Those of us who spell according to British usage are constantly told by the American spell check program that we are misspelling words like colour, favourite, honour, etc.

    Down with American dictionary imperialism!

  5. Ah, I sailed home from my oil painting class in a cloud of euphoria (as opposed to a cloud of dreck) because the painting I started looks good. Then I saw your shout out. Can this day get any better? Yes. A Haagen Dazs truck could break down in front of my house and the company could pay me to store the ice cream in my freezer. But I don’t think that will happen.

  6. Jackass. Or wait – that is one word.

    Also, where do you find these bloggers that you mention in your posts? I think this is the 2nd or 3rd that you’ve mentioned that are completely fabulous. What internet are you surfing? Because mine is undoubtedly broken…

  7. Debra She Who Seeks, I shall raise my hand in solidarity with you my ‘U’ using sista. I find myself screaming at my computer screen. Telling spell check that it is a idiotic mofo for correcting my ‘u’ usage. Frankly it’s right up there with using ‘vaginae’ to describe a gathering of vaginas, just ficken’ wrong.

  8. When I was learning English, it took an entire class to learn the differences between “some time”, “some times”, “sometimes”. This is a conspiracy against foreigners. Miriam Webster is not only a bully but also a xenophobe!

    So Noworries should be one word too. I should trademark it. 😉

    1. Right there with you! “Everyday” and “every day” always make me have to pause. Also, “awhile” and “a while”.

      (I love it, though.)

  9. I do believe it is possible for spell check (or is it spellcheck?) to be WRONG. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself for years.

  10. I think its because Webster is friends with Rod Stewart. Seriously, it’s all his fault. Atleast, it should be.


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