Last night I watched The Golden Child while folding laundry. (I know! Even I’m a little overwhelmed by the constant excitement of life here in Hoboken.) Towards the end of this cinematic gem, there’s a scene where – SPOILER ALERT!
Say, do you really need to say “spoiler alert” for a movie that’s nearly twenty-five years old? Did I really just type twenty-five in front of the word “years?” In other news, I’m pretty sure I just felt my left hip shatter.
Consider yourself warned, regardless.
At the end of the movie, the female lead (who died earlier saving the man that she loves, natch) is resurrected by a tiny Tibetan bald kid. In typical movie fashion, the second her heart starts beating again she sits straight up and starts licking Eddie Murphy’s uvula as though her recently reclaimed life depended on it.
Now I’ve probably seen that movie at least fifteen times and never thought twice about that scene before last night. But this time…well, I found myself dry heaving.
Just earlier that morning I’d rolled over in my half-sleep and accidentally placed my super sniffer within an inch of my husband’s epic morning (after a garlic-laden dinner) breath. Having consumed the same meal, I was also rocking some serious mouth rot. If we had locked lips at that moment, I’m fairly certain birds would have fallen from the sky while steel girders melted.
Whadya reckon death breath smells like? Probably like zombies – putrid, a little metallic, with maybe a faint hint of boiled lima beans in there, too. Exactly the sort of environment you’d want to avoid sticking your tongue into, am I right? (Why am I suddenly picturing Lindsay Lohan?)
Come to think of it, I bet Prince Charming had to swallow back some vomit when he awakened Sleeping Beauty. At least in Rip Van Winkle there’s no kissing involved. And while I haven’t read the Bible myself, I’m sort of doubting there’s a graphic make-out scene when Jesus is resurrected. I’m also relatively sure there are no tiny Tibetan bald kids. Or a half dragon lady that sounds like a drag queen in an echo chamber. (But to be certain, I’ll let our resident Catholics, Tom G. and Dufmanno, weigh in on that one.)
I – I – ah ahaah – I want the kniiiife. Pleeease.
Let him ask again!
Sooo, one: Why is zombie mouthwash pink?……
Two: breath obviously has zero affect on non-humanoids (prince charming was all a facade…)
Three: the husband and I don’t *do* am-breath-anything. 🙂
1) because I went with the first mouthwash image I could find.
2) then Lohan is immune to morning breath, too.
3) heh. say it again.
Yeah, you just ruined a ton of fairy tales for me. 😉
I ruin a lot of things, sand castles included.
next you’re going to tell me unicorns don’t exist. sigh.
I would NEVER!
Ewe… Where in the hell is my tongue scraper.
I know exactly what you mean. Think how much better that scene would have gone if it went: “Oh! My love, you’ve come back to me!” and then places his hand over her mouth and says, “Naw, we can kiss later. There’s a 7-11 down the street. I’m sure they have Listerine.”
You should write epic love stories! With ponies! And glitter!
I inhaled so much garlic once that it wasn’t just my breath that was kickin’ it was my whole body.
Even after showering every day for one week, each human who came within a one foot radius of me grabbed their noses and started crying aloud wondering who had dug up something previously dead and buried and left it out to rot in the sun.
Can’t you see why so many people find me appealing?
See? Further proof you should never underestimate a stellar rack.
My dear brother Numsie!
Frist, wait, First, why do you know what zombies or Lindsy Lohan (gag) taste like? Please tell me you’re just guessing!
Thommy told me. Obviously.
I can’t eat garlic. On that note vampires morning breath doesn’t exist at all. Neither do vampire farts. Or any gross bodily function.
The undead smell like candy. You know the opposite of dead.
So the dead smell like unicorns? That seems counter intuitive somehow.
So that movie may or may not be before my time and I vomited in my mouth a little with the thought of anyone kissing Lindsay Lohan.
Crap. I’m old, aren’t I? I knew it had to happen eventually…
Ewww… like: I went last week to comfort my 3-yr-old during a nightmare and he sits up, squishes his face and says “Oh, mom, yuck! Something stinks!!”
I knew I liked that kid.
licking uvula and lima bean breath – blecchhhh. pass the bubblegum blowout, please.
Is that what we’re calling it now? Bubblegum blowout?
Extra gum has new Mint Chocolate Chip flavored gum. I’m just sayin’.
If they could harvest and bottle morning breath in a spray can we’d have a new weapon of mass destruction on our hands. Seriously, does anyone wake up with sweet breath? I always wake up confused because I don’t remember chowing down on a rat carcass in my sleep but it sure smells like I did it. The only thing that gets me out of bed, besides knowing my coffee awaits, is knowing that lurking in the bathroom closet is enough toothpaste to sink a battle ship.
Also? Mmmm zombies!
So THAT’s what happened to your mouse!
Death Breath=Sweaty Vagina dusted with hatred.
How can I work “sweaty vagina dusted with hatred” into my new catch phrase?
Maybe better than the old man who picked his nose in the movie? He looks like he’d smell baaaad. Nassy.
Didn’t he make People’s 50 most beautiful people list that year?
Guess I’m the only one who has never heard of this movie, eh? My life in the mid-80s was kind of a blur so I missed a lot in that decade. Besides, I only like Eddie Murphy as Donkey in Shrek.
Nah, it just further proves you are a better manager of your time than this girl. And that maybe you have standards.
How do you even have any spit to kiss with when you’ve been dead? Pass the water bottle please. ‘Cause you know what I don’t want during a makeout session? Cracked off lips.
I didn’t even consider the moisture factor! You are so wise. Can I be your padawan learner?
Well, since you asked, according to the catecism of the catholic church, the only ones present at the ressurection were angels. They don’t say anything about uvula licking but it’s possible. In the paintings I’ve seen Jesus is rocking a pretty awesome beard. Being the son of God I’m sure his breath smelled minty fresh, and as we all know angel’s breath smells like Nutella which is all they eat in heaven. Besides bacon of course.
I knew there was uvula licking. Thanks, Tom!
I bet death breath smells like a toilet wax ring. Go ahead. Google that. I dare you.
That was a surprisingly tame google search. You’re just toying with my emotions, aren’t you…
Just them angels.
And Jesus never licked anyone’s uvula, according to scripture.
Are you sure? I could have sworn there was something about uvula licking in the book of Biff.
I wonder about this ALL THE TIME watching every single movie where they KISS in the morning. EWWWW. I just told myself they cut the few minutes when both rush to rinse their mouths. I wonder about the postcoital cuddling too…
If I ever start a band I’ll consider naming it Post Coital Cuddling.
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