Gwen: Is that it?

Me: *lifts bottle of breast milk, looks at liquid level, looks back at Gwen, nods* That’s probably not the nicest thing to say to a newly-breastfeeding, hormone-filled bitch trying to satiate all 10lbs of Paulie the Boob Slayer.

Gwen: But you were up there pumping for like 20 minutes.

Me: 20 minutes AFTER the other excruciating 45 minutes where little Chucky attacked my tits like they were Jennifer Tilly…or whoever Chucky attacked. Did I even watch those movies? What’s my name again?

Gwen: So I guess it’s still hurting?

Me: The movie?

Gwen: The breastfeeding.

Me: Oh. That. If this cracking and bleeding keeps up, Paul will be having a lovely rose for dinner.

Gwen: Huh. Everything I’ve read says it’s supposed to be pleasant, great even. It’s supposed to release endorphins and everything. It’s supposed to be like sex.

Me: Clearly those people are into an entirely different kind of sex.


  1. Poor girl! I could only handle breastfeeding Sean for 3 weeks. He wanted to eat constantly and I was tired of carrying around gallon jugs of milk on my body (I swear I could hear them slosh when I rolled over). So at the first sign of mastitis (boob infection), I went to bottles like the first two kids got. They all lived.

    Good luck lady. Smooches to you and Paul.


    1. Paul totally doe that grimace before shaking his head maniacally and attacking boob. Will try to get you a video so you can never sleep again.


    also? We went to bottles almost immediately. Our kids lived, and are even healthy, if not well adjusted.

    Don’t let the breast feeding Gestapo guilt you into it. If it’s not working for you, it’s OK to do something different.

    (ducks head, runs for cover)

    I’ll shut up now, and go back to thanking God for my Y chromosome.

    1. Tom, the lactation consultant comes in and hacks off your balls if you say things like that. Then she displays them in a baby bottle on the shelf of her office. Then she yells really loud about “nipple confusion” and gets mad at the baby and your wife about that “improper latch”
      That’s why you nod your head in agreement and then do whatever you want.

      1. I tried to use that nipple confusion excuse once on my girlfriend, after hooking up with someone else at a party. She also displayed my balls in a jar on her shelf.

        1. One day for fun I put my new bodacious ta ta’s in a push up bra from Victoria’s Secret just to get a real idea of what I was dealing with. Putting aside for a moment the pain I endured to capture and cage them, I have to say they were spectacular. Resting my chin on the new shelf I created was very relaxing and rewarding.

      1. Right now Elly is thanking her lucky stars for us! I’m like a wrecking ball of bad taste.

        1. This site has been becoming entirely too tasteful lately. There’s been a noticable drop in snail porn, and references to sexual abuse of shellfish. I think we’re just the folks to remedy this situation.

          By the way, where does Elly keep the booze?

  3. I think I just had flashbacks and my boobs are wincing in sympathy. The old frozen cabbage leaf in the bra does sooth things a bit, or paw paw cream, or a dissociative fugue, the choice is yours really.

    I do have a sneaking suspicion that your lactation consultant may have been labotomized, or a glue sniffer, if she thinks it’s like sex.

  4. Haha, mommy blogger. Made my day.
    Also, that shit be HARD, yo. I had to use nipple shields, SNS tubes and pump for 30 minutes after every feeding which are like every two hours which meant I got all of .0026 hours sleep.
    But eventually the floodgates opened up and…well, I got mastitis. But then it was all good.
    You can do it if you want to do it. It’s hard and terrible and is certainly not second nature. Or third, fourth or fifth for that matter.
    But you also don’t have to do it. Paul can get the bonding from skin to skin contact and from the waterfall of love I know is falling over him on the daily.
    Be true to yourself. And kind to yourself.

      1. LOVE THIS IDEA! In all seriousness. They have managed to make women who do not “succeed” in breastfeeding feel like failures.

  5. MY milkshakes bring ALL tha’ boys to the yard! Any by boys I guess you’d have to say hungry babies and by milkshake I suppose it would have to be swollen painful jugs and a tearsoaked face.
    ANYWAY. It does get easier. Around week three I finally got some sort of method going so my kids didn’t have to keep smacking their faces into my chest to indicate feeding time.
    My milk pumping machine reminded me of something out of a SAW movie so I was never really comfortable with it.

      1. Yeah, Chuck tried this line on me when I was sleep deprived and unsure where I was sticking my tits. I think I just freaked everyone here out.

  6. You know what we didn’t tell you? Getting knocked up is the easy part. That first pregnancy is (hopefully) romantic and adventurous. Aaaaand motherhood is challenging. Sometimes it is yummy and sweet and beautiful, but most of the first year, the first few years, is hard hard work.

    Seriously, I would have told you but (a) you were already knocked up when I met ya (b) you wouldn’t have listened anyway (I know I didn’t, when my sister told me) and (c) it is totally fucking worth it.

    I was a scary overproducer of the milk. It made my kids have gas, and sometimes they screamed while they nursed, until I got the hang of it. It can be really really really really really really (and I didn’t even copy and paste that word, for emphasis) hard). Motherfucking hard. (Which is the true reason why that word Motherfucking exists. Seeriously.)

    Most of us struggle. It is unimaginable when you are pregnant, what the baby thing is like, even when people do tell you. Because for each of us it is different and the same all at one time. I have confidence in you, from all of your writing I’ve read so far that you will be glorious in your own unique way.

    And did I say this before? My third SUCKED at nursing and I don’t mean that in a good way. I would not have wanted to start with him as the kid who learned to nurse while I learned to feed him. ZOMGWTF is all I can say on that.

    Here I am rambling on trying to second guess every word in case it sounds like I am pro one way or another, whether I am making noise or providing encouragement. But mostly you know what it comes down to? Following your own muse as usual, writing uke songs about it so that others may learn from your infinite pain and struggling, and Lanisoh cream which is essential. We still use it on our lips in the winter. That stuff’s expensive so don’t throw it out. But don’t use it elsewere. Trust me. too stickih. *grin* (((HUGS)))

    1. I like it when you get all wordy.

      And rocking the Lanisoh, hard. it’s always all over Paul’s face. He looks like he’s been eatingbfried chicken 24/7.

  7. Thanks for your acceptance. =} Gotta tell you it is never gonna be any other way.

    I am asking for a uke for Christmas that way you will be nursing and I will be doing something equally as painful and hard. Seeerious.

    You know, something else a yoga instructor told me in prenatal that I never heard anywhere else: don’t wash your nips with soap. Same as that other beautiful sensitive spot we all like to keep hidden (you know, your vagina), your body actually self cleans your nipples (and your vagina) and soap washes away the natural oils and stuffs that keep nipples supple for breastfeeding. So, unless you is moonlighting as a strippah, stop lathering the boobies. Take it from me, it makes a huge difference.

    Gah! I can’t believe I wrote all that stuffz. *blush*

      1. It changed my afternoon, just to read about it.

        Ok, not really. It’s still the same, but that’s an image, right?

        Also, I agree. I learned that it was shampoo, even expensive fancy stuff, that made my hair poofy and dry. I stopped washing my hair [pause for gasps from crowd] with soap, and just rinse it now. No oiliness, smell or dry skin. Just softer hair that holds color. Soap is a bit archaic, sometimes.

        1. SO um, sorry it took me so long to get back to this. And, well. Here’s a question for you: Do you trust the mechanics and abilities of your own body to keep itself well oiled, lubed and healthy, or the chemical companies that spend a fucktonne on marketing and teach us all to not trust these said bodies in the interest of increasing their profit margins.

          I use a little soap, but not very much. I had a bit of body odour when I used soap, I have it about the same amount now. When I find it is out of control and I am worried, I cover it up. My husband would tell me if I stank (I sure hope)(I just asked him and he said, ya of course he would).

          I still wash and condition my hair but I think, based upon the comment above, I need to reconsider this action. I this past year read a story about a woman with long grey hair that had been told by her very costly hair dresser (rodeo drive salon, I believe) to stop using shampoo and she found it made her hair that much lovelier to have done this. She was writing in defense of women who grow their grey hair long and in protest of those who protest this choice.

          I never experienced thrush, which may or may not occur from washing away the natural bacteria that exists at the nipple when one doesn’t wash them with soap. I also only experienced one really painful moment on a nipple when my child gnawed down unexpectedly and I instinctively pulled my nipple out of her mouth past the firmly attached teeth. From that one moment of bloody pain I learned to notice when she was showing signs of teething and kept one finger vigilantly beside her jaw hinge (this was at about 4 months). Rather than violently flick her cheek as my mother had done with me, I provided a wee bit of pressure which automatically caused her to loosen her jaw. Go easy on the kid and (hopefully) the kid will go easy on you. =)

          Okay then. TMI. Again.

  8. Like sex?!? Gross, dude.

    Also, don’t forget that it’s TOTALLY OKAY for Rocko to “cop a feel” during, pre or post breastfeeding. Let’s not forget that, while they are sources of nutrition, they’re meant for fondling.

    1. I knew I could count on you to help me further destroy any kind of warm maternal vibe that lingered around this post. Boobies. Yum.

        1. I just want to say thanks for making my comments seem sensitive and enlightened.

          Now where was I? Oh right!


  9. I’m so fucking glad I managed to birth and raise 3 really healthy kids without ever sticking a nipple in an infants mouth. This whole conversation seriously grosses me out. Am I the only female left on this earth who thinks my nipples should not be in the mouth of anyone who is not within, like……….15 years of my age????!!!! JFC people……..

    1. I’m a “whatever works” kind of gal. You’re hungry? Open up and get busy.
      Here comes the guy to escort me out.
      Now that I’ve befouled everything beyond recognition I will go on record and confess my dirty secret. I nursed each one of my kids for over a year and then the third one for two years.
      What?! I liked having huge boobs okay?
      Anyway, it was messy and painful and embarrassing. Especially that time I was at a wedding, heard someones baby cry and nearly hosed down the entire place in a wave of milky let down.
      You are welcome for the visual.
      I also totally gave my kids formula after nursing them if they were still hungry. So I totally broke all the “rules”.

  10. The LLL (La Leche League) are like a cult. *shudder* They actually told me to starve my newborn “because otherwise he would never take to the breasts!” It was a horrible experience that I still do not want to talk about. But you know what? Until this day my boobs hurt when I hear babies cry… Sigh.

  11. Have you been walking around the house half-nekkid because may as well, right? 😉

    p.s. {{{{hugs}}}} AIR hugs. So I don’t hurt your hurting boobs further.

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