Meat Showers and Kazoos

I’m still having bird nightmares.  I keep dreaming there are feathers in my mouth.  Why (OH WHY!) do my dreams always involve pulling strange things out of my mouth?  You know what?  Don’t answer that one.

It doesn’t help that I keep reading pieces about birds randomly falling out of the sky.  Birds are creepy, but dead birds are uber creepy.  I’m talking Crispin Glover creepy, Interwebz.  But for the record?  This is the best line from a news article covering a zombie bird apocalypse EVER:

“Suddenly, there descended upon her a gentle shower of meat.”

Yes, that’s just one tiny selection from the New York Times news coverage of the great “Kentucky Meat Shower” of 1876.  Quick!  Someone call Gaga’s people and tell ’em we’ve got the title for her next album.  (Thanks for the link, Brian!)

And while I’m mentioning the awesome things that you beautiful people send me, the adorable Kirste recently informed me that January 28th is National Kazoo Day!  I KNOW!  A national day of celebration for all things kazoo!  Does it sound like heaven or what?

Everyone run out and tune your kazoo so you can be ready for the big day.  Wait, you don’t have a kazoo?  The HORROR!  (Though still not as scary as Black Swan.)  If only I could think of someone with a personal stockpile of kazoos.  Hmmm.  So if you need on, email me!  I’ll zip it right on out to ya!

Then you can sound like this guy:

You could even send me videos of your mad musical stylings!  Do it!  It’ll cheer me up.  Otherwise I’ll be forced to read the Twilight series again.

Side Note:  It feels weird to keep writing about silliness when the world is falling apart, but I suck at serious.  Also, I don’t think you really come here for serious, do you?  You come here for a mental margarita, right?  But for those of you feeling strong and like you might have a little something in you to help the world, here’s a few other posts worth reading today.

The Queensland Floods

Haiti’s 35 Second Tragedy: a Second Chance for Peace

Civil Discourse


  1. A mental margarita, indeed. Very impressive! Now you can strum along with Herbert with you and Isabella and you and kazoo, all together. The possibilities are endless. It doesn’t make sense to me either. But I do believe all serious times call for silliness too. It’s the only way.

  2. I come here for the snail porn and shellfish stories, but I stay for the Margaritas, and occasional flute of Chateaux Le Flav.

  3. I’ve been attacked by birds more times than I can count and I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business. As a kid, I used to sit on the roof of the barn and shoot our rooster with a BB gun in revenge for all the times it dug it’s talons into my tender young legs.

    So having birds rain from the sky is like a nightmare made just for me.

    1. I have a friend that the birds just can’t see. They fly into her face or body all the time. It’s weird. She hates them too. Yet she loved Black Swan. Go figure.

  4. Last weekend, I went to see a band in a bar. For one song, both singers pulled out kazoos, and I immediately thought of you.

    That band was also the first I’d ever seen anyone actually WEAR jeggings. She looked like an idiot, but I will never again feel like my jeans are too tight.

  5. Meat showers = throw up in mouth. No thank you.
    As for birds, they are scarier than hell and that flock of 5000 dead birds is almost scarier than if they were alive. I’m just not sure what to make of it, but positive it wasn’t a firework.

  6. OMG. A gentle shower of meat. That’s just perfect. And somewhat conflicting if you ask me. Can a shower of meat ever be gentle? I guess if it’s cut into wafer thin slices in one of those deli slicers maybe… or confettied up into tiny flakes. But that would be a stinky shower, no? Full of fleshy juices. I don’t at all like where this is going.

    Kazoos are straight from Satan and I don’t care who knows it. They’re like a swarm of demented killer bees attacking your head. I have spoken.

  7. i come here for the vagina talk. speaking of which, i don’t think you want a video of my special way of playing the kazoo.

    pass me that margarita. extra salt. rocks.

  8. Best random bird death article I read recently was about birds dying of alcohol poisoning after binge drinking in a seaside city in Romania. The image of drunk birds kinda overrode the horror with humor.

  9. Did you see the evangelist who said the birds were dying because of the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell”? She is in desperate need of a kazoo…

  10. When I first saw the previews for Black Swan I thought, “Hmm…I think I’d like to see that.” Because I’m a sucker for dance movies. But I’ve since heard so many people talking about how scary it was and now I just don’t know. I very rarely watch scary movies. So tell me…help me make up my mind. Are there any really gross, bloody parts, stabbing, breaking bones etc? Or is it just extremely creepy? Creepy I can deal with…the rest, not so much.

    Also…“Suddenly, there descended upon her a gentle shower of meat.”

    This is my life’s ambition. To be covered in a snower of meat. The gentle part is optional.

    1. It’s mostly creepy. There is some blood, and some bloody body parts, but not like Chainsaw Massacre bloody. But it’s mostly mentally scary.

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