Lunch is the Most Important Meal of the Day

Day 5.  No cell phone.  I’m about this far *making same hand gesture I use to describe Tom Cruise’s penis* from painting a keypad with my own blood onto a volleyball and calling it Webster.  Fortunately, I don’t think I can fit a volleyball in my back pocket.  If the real Webster 7.0 doesn’t show up today, I’ll just have to wear something with an elastic waistband.

I had lunch with one of the niftiest people on the planet yesterday.  He was a much needed ray of sunshine in the middle of a decidedly weird day.  He sends me cute little notes like:

Been loving your blog. So much that sometimes I forget to go on the myporn site

(that’s a lie).

Oh how he makes me giggle.  I keep begging Thom to go gay so I can have this adorable man as my in-law.  As usual, Thom remains completely selfish, holding out for someone with a uterus.  *sigh*

As we dug into our respective bowls of cheese and guacamole (you’d think a pair of cancer survivors would make better dietary choices, eh?) we caught up on the last month or so of our lives.

He flashed his biceps.  “I’m selling tickets to the gun show.  You want a pair?”

“You look great!  How are you feeling?”


“Next test?”

“June.  You?”

“May 25th.”  We both paused to cross our fingers.  “Did you make the trip home to see your mom?  How is she?”

He nodded.  “She’s doing well…rebounding a little, so that’s good.”  He took another bite then looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.  “I lost my aunt Betty, though.”

“Oh!  I’m so sorry.”  I folded and unfolded my napkin, unsure of what to say.

Meanwhile, he kept right on eating.  “I can’t find her anywhere,” he continued, smirking slightly.

“Um, what?” I asked, convinced I hadn’t heard him correctly.

“She’s 82 years old and I have no idea where she’s gone.  Maybe I should get on home and try and call her again.”

Come on, Thom.  Take one for the team!  He couldn’t be any cuter.  Besides, we know Mom already likes him!


  1. “Been loving your blog. So much that sometimes I forget to go on the myporn site” <==TOTAL LIE

    Anyone who spends all day on the myporn site knows you just put both browser windows up side-by-side. You know a story's especially good when someone's thrusting toward it from the myporn window.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..The People I’ve Seen =-.

  2. I love gun shows. Wait, that’s not the point, I love losing old women. No, still. I love porn sites. Got it. Eh…..I’m having a hard time grasping things mind is elsewhere. I will explain later.
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Open Letter To Rielle Hunter =-.

  3. that sure as hell beat my lunch standing at the pizza counter surrounded by mirrors in which all i could see was my saggy skin, dark undereye circles, and uneven skin tone. but the pizza was to die for.

    webster has become a real pissant. abandon the search!
    .-= patty punker´s last blog ..motherfucking oprah =-.

  4. Is Thom sure he’s not gay? I mean, he spells Tom with an ‘H’ (way more sophisticated) and he doesn’t seem like a tool, so chances are pretty good that he is, in fact, gay. Because mostly it’s a pretty easy formula: sophistication + not tool = gay. I’m sure there’s a retreat or something where you could send him to turn him as gay as Jesus wants him to be.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Pachelbel’s Reggae Canon" =-.

  5. Bug,

    You can never have enough gay friends. Tell Thom he does not have to be full pledge gay he can just be half gay. I think. No idea what I am saying here.


    1. It’s a wonder I haven’t had my body hacked into a million pieces then separated into tiny ziplock bags, right? I just always assume the best of people. THAT’s going well for me.

  6. Wait. I though guacamole was good for us? Like, the good fat or something? A, fuck it. I’m still eating it by the bowlful. Especially today for Hakuna Matata Day.
    .-= marymac´s last blog ..Ms. Pac Man Zen =-.

  7. Again, you have the most interesting friends on the planet. Thom really is selfish. There’s just no excuse for that.

    Tell him to check under the trampoline in the backyard. That’s where our dog was when we lost her. Apparently she just wanted to nap in the shade. I’m sure that’s what Aunt Betty wants too. Because, well, I’d like a nap in the shade.

    You make me giggle. More than porn.
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..The one where the Universe gets even with me. =-.

  8. Someone once told my husband that he was gay but he just didn’t know it yet.
    O.K. the more I read that sentence the more those “late work nights” are starting to make sense.
    I’m totally up for living with my gay husband and his boyfriend. Can you imagine how clean and well decorated this vile hovel would be?
    Greasy disease shack + gay guys = Taj Mahal
    I’m glad you found Webster:)
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Facebook Used In Devious Revenge Plot =-.

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