Look, A Walnut!

So this weekend I was reading through some old journals and came across this excerpt from June 10th, 2009.

Walnuts looks like vaginas.  Just thought I’d share.  Now see, I’m not sure I’m ready to go quite that raunchy on the blog yet, but I guess we’ll see.

Oh how far I’ve fallen in a mere thirteen months, eh?  So far, in fact, that I now write about vaginas on two other sites!  (I know how proud you are, Mom – no words are necessary.)

Today’s Craftastrophe doesn’t involve a vagina though.  Well, not directly.  Though it certainly should never pass through one.  Be warned, you’ll never look at bunnies the same way again.  Unless you look at bunnies cross-eyed.  Then you’ll probably always look at bunnies the same way.


Speaking of nuts, I’m pretty sure that’s where I’m going.

Did you know there’s a town in New Jersey called Nutley.  It doesn’t have a mall, an Ikea, nor an airportl, so I’ve never been.  I can only assume it’s full of whack jobs.  After all, any sane person randomly picking a place to live in New Jersey would chose Mahwah, Ho-ho-kus, or Moonachie because they are so much more fun to say.

Did I mention that I didn’t sleep well last night?  Does it show?

Rocco always tells me not to worry about my brain acting a little wonky unless I smell toast.  He’s very supportive like that.

Speaking of toast, you know I have to write a toast for Gwatt as I’m the old married hag of honor, right?  At least, they tell me I do.  Maybe I’ll just share my favorite ever toast as taught to me by one of my favorite neighbors ever.  Feel free to use this at your next formal function.

Here’s to women, creatures divine

Who shed once a month, and bare once a nine.

The only creatures twixt heaven and hell

Can extract juice from a nut without cracking the shell.

Maybe I’ll even write a little melody, accompany myself on my shiny new ukulele, and coerce my three brothers into playing backup with kazoos while Dad performs a Tai Chi themed interpretive dance!  Brilliant!

My work here is done.

I am such a giver.  I’ll say it again:  Best.  Bridesmaid.  Ever.


  1. Are you giving out toast now? Omg. I love toast. Totally unrelated comment. I was a maid of honour at a wedding once and also had to do a speech (yuck) and I started by saying “uhmm, to those that have a key to Meredith’s apartment she would like her keys back… ALL the men in the reception, threw keys (not violently) on the wedding party table. It was funny. Well I thought it was!! Oh maybe the comment is related. I wonder why Meredith does not talk to me anymore. kidding.

    1. Oh shit. I might steal your line. And of course the thong line. I’ll need to pepper the audience with keys and thongs of course.

  2. Okay, maybe I’m being picky here, but I’ve never shed each month and then gone on to bare every nine – I’m up on this stuff, I’ve been pregnant for a total of three friggin’ years (admittedly, not all in one go, but still)..

  3. Why do I ever click the link to your Catastrophes? Why? It’s always something that I can’t unsee.


  4. I’d consider getting married all over again just so you could be my bridesmaid!

    p.s. I will never be able to look at a walnut without laughing any more. Thanks. Wait for a letter from the attorney hired by the Walnut Grower Association.

  5. Poor Roccoco. You only bare once a nine? Good thing we went to Broadway Bares, not Broadway Bears. Which could be one of any three things now that I think about it like that.

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