Like A David Bowie Song But With More Boobs

This morning, while waiting for the green light to condone another cup of espresso, I turned to my husband and whispered, “I’m drinking coffee.  Willingly.  I’m a suburban housewife that drives her TWO kids through the two-lane streets of Jersey.  In a minivan.  That drinks coffee.”  I glanced down at the now deflated foam of my cappuccino.  “What the fuck happened?”

Changes.  Woof.  So to calm myself down (apparently drinking too much coffee can make you anxious – we coffee novices don’t know these things), I’ve compiled this list of 25 things that were true for 22 year old Manhattan-dwelling, career-having Elly and remain true for 37 year old Jersey-dwelling, lactating Elly.

  1. I hate Rod Stewart.
  2. And techno.
  3. I love a good vagina joke.
  4. No good can come of being awake at 4am.
  5. Sometimes refined sugar and caffeine are the solution.
  6. I need to spend more money on bras.
  7. There’s no such thing as “too much sleep.”
  8. When all I want is to enjoy a beer alone, some dude starts ogling my tits and the night ends with me covered in puke.
  9. There are three men snoring in my bed.
  10. I don’t wash my sheets often enough.
  11. If I remember to put on music, the day feels shorter.
  12. Just not Rod Stewart.  Or techno.
  13. The bulk of my day is spent cleaning up other people’s shit.
  14. My attention span is somewhat
  15. I consume entirely too many chicken fingers.
  16. Taco Bell always sounds like a good idea.
  17. When the hot water goes, so does all hope for humanity.
  18. At the end of a long day, I’d rather let Rod Stewart serenade my vagina than return phone calls.
  19. Meals choices are made based on my ability to eat them cold and with my fingers.
  20. I say, “Let’s see what’s in those pants,” surprisingly often.
  21. Also, “I’m not going to play ‘Where’s Mine Penis’ right now.”
  22. My bathroom floor is uncomfortably sticky.
  23. I’d let Rod Stewart serenade my vagina in exchange for an hour alone with a good book.
  24. I’d rather listen to techno remixes of Rod Stewart songs than face a pregnancy.
  25. I just might marry the next guy to buy me a nice dinner.

In case that was at all vague earlier, I had another kid.  Two boys.  Because I never want to sleep again.  Obvs.

But?  He’s pretty beautiful.  And I figured I ought to share with you lovely people…

The latest (and last) thing I made with my vagina.
The latest (and last) thing I made with my vagina.




  1. Thanks for all the lovely emails, guys. I *think* I’ve fixed the comment situation. Then again, I also thought stirrup pants were damn sexy. So…

  2. You did WHAT? I’m nearly positive I didn’t approve this. I’ll check my documents, but you’ve got some explaining to do.

    Also, congrats on making a human!

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