As you may or may not already be aware, I can fit a lot of things in my mouth – cat heads, most of my fist, two peeled clementines. But did you know I could balance a chandelier on my tongue?
Seeing as how that chandelier is in the lobby of Studio 54, I should probably run off to see my doctor and start a serious regimen of antibiotics. Speaking of contagious things that spread farther than LiLo’s crotch, I can’t resist doing a silly meme today. Also it turns out being a possibility is a little more time intensive and draining than I originally thought. So really a meme is all I have the time and energy for today. Well…that and licking chandeliers.
I’m blatantly ripping off the very spiritually depraved and profoundly witty Debra over at She Who Seeks with this post. That’s cool though because she blatantly ripped off some other blogger who probably ripped off some other blogger and really can’t we just STOP THE VIOLENCE?
Ahem.
Also I’m changing it a little because I’m a control freak and that’s how I roll.
*yawn*
Anylazy, this is a composite of the first paragraph of the first post of every month this year. If you cross your eyes, it kinda even makes sense…like bean sprouts on sandwiches. Just in case you’re a masochist and want to read more (or it’s a really slow day at the office and you too need a day off from being a possibility), I’ve included a link to the full post after each paragraph.
The brain. Dear God the brain. I think it’s leaking. (link)
I’m back in the ‘boken after traveling well over a thousand miles in under eighty hours. I’m crunchy. I’m stinky. And I’m still haunted by the fruity/chemical taste of the endless Bojangles and Diet Mountain Dew fueled burps that my brother consistently managed to blow into my open mouth every time I turned to yell at him. (link)
An embarrassingly long time ago, I started a little something I called my Portrait Project. I had all these grandiose plans of blazing through a portrait a week, solving world hunger, and somehow sculpting my arms into perfect replicas of Michelle Obama’s guns. Four months later, I’m way behind on all those plans. Instead, I’ve managed to finish merely four additional portraits and solve only my hunger issues…primarily with baked goods. (link)
Bad news. I’ve been racking my brain for days (ok really only the past 30 minutes or so when I realized what today is) for some witty and creative April Fool’s prank for today’s post. I’ve got nothing. I am devoid of funny. I can’t decide if I should blame chemo brain, allergies, or Rod Stewart. (link)
It’s kind of been a crazy couple of days. A lot has happened since my last ramble. I’ll try and hit the highlights…in order, of course. (link)
“Shuttlecock” is probably my most favorite word ever. It’s that or “Omaha.” Then again, I really like “Texture,” too. It’s possible I just like words. And excuses to say shuttlecock. (link)
*whimper* (link)
I’m quitting. Again. (link)
Maryland is a strange place, Interwebz. (link)
Good news, I was totally too lazy to learn a new uke song this week. It’s for the best, Interwebz. Herbert hates all this humidity and acts out by not staying in tune. He’s such a little blue fucker sometimes, kinda like that Hefty Smurf. (link)
Halloween in Manhattan is always confusing and frightening for me. I mean, you never really know who’s in costume, right? How can you tell the real Naked Cowboy from Halloween Naked Cowboy? Is that your normal everyday wall street broker dressed up as a Lindsay Lohan or is that a real tranny hooker? Oh hey, look over there! Is that a real cop? More importantly, is that a real gun? (link)
Hells to the yeah, Interwebz! Just in case you didn’t hear already, my scans were cleaner than Lindsay Lohan’s crotch. Which…makes it sound like they were filthy so that might not seem like the best analogy. But let’s face it, I’m really not THAT clean myself. Still, I’m pretty confident Lindsay’s crotch is cancer-free. So I’m going to stand by that analogy. And Lindsay’s crotch. (link)
Fighting hard to get Lindsay Lohan crotch imagery out of my head!
We understand. It’s hard not to get sucked into the vortex that is LiLo’s crotch.
It made sense as one big entry of awesome to me, but then I speak crazy well.
However, I’ve never balanced a chandelier on my tongue, especially a probably diseased one, filled with the cooties of eighties ho celebrities, so now I feel completely inadequate, so thanks for that.
However, I whip my hair back and forth like a pro.
I think we might have a vulcan mind meld. Or maybe I have a mind meld with the almost completely absorbed fraternal twin in your skull. One of the two. Probably.
I’ve seen your tongue do some pretty amazing things but this might just be the best one yet!
*blushes*
I love your composite! It’s as entertaining as any of your regular posts! Nice tongue work with the chandelier too.
On a darker note, thanks for the KISS OF DEATH by calling me “spiritual and profound” — now NO ONE will want to come visit my blog. And today I have Colin Firth eye candy and EVERYTHING.
I fixed it! ’cause I adore you. And I’m at home with access to my computer.
Hahahaha, MUCH better — thanks!
Did you say Colin Firth?
BE RIGHT THERE!
i never realized how often you speak of LiLo’s crotch. too funny!
and this: It’s kind of been a crazy couple of days. A lot has happened since my last ramble. I’ll try and hit the highlights…in order, of course.
“Shuttlecock†is probably my most favorite word ever.
made me laugh out loud. i may have snorted.
Never underestimate the importance of the word shuttlecock. Ever.
I see Bianca Jagger in the background, she was never any good at knowing when the party was over.
Long ago I used to dream about a day when I would be on a coke fueled rampage dancing the night away with my elegant friends and wearing so many sequins that the strobe lights hitting me would cause blindness in those around me! These were the things that studio 54 represented to 1970’s me with her Dorothy Hamill haircut and white leather sandals with ankle sox.
Anyway, I nearly forgot about the portraits because something sparkly went by right after I read that post the 1st time. I’m commissioning one!!
I’ve never painted a news anchor before!
Unlike Lilo’s actual crotch, jokes about Lilo’s crotch never get old.
God it’s true. I can’t quit ’em. I’m a one trick pony. Like LiLo’s crotch!
Yay for seeing the word “shuttlecock” in print again! I am easily amused.
I was counting on that…
Such skill…. And what the hell is wrong with Maryland? Nevermind. My eyes are crossed.
You know, I just don’t trust people that make crab cakes.
i can’t believe your brother did shot-gun on you with his burps. eeewwww. just ewwwwww.
He’s disgusting. Someone should slap him. You know, besides me.
Oh my…..ummm…..yeah…my mind is filled with things…just like LiLo’s crotch.
Ooo! I like this meme! Mostly because the work of it is done already! When I hit my blogaversary in July I’m doing this!
I didn’t realize the potential for this MEME until I got to the December entry.
It IS awesome.
Now I hope I can erase this MEME from my memory because I am going to have an even bigger boner when I am composing my first of month post from now on.
I am tempted to rip this one too. At what point does it become “rippin ‘N tearin”? (Sorry. I know. I have issues. I love the Hedonism guy a little bit too much…)
Now that sounds like it was a great year! And I’ve been in Studio 54 and I CAN’T believe I missed a tongue photo opportunity!
Regrets, I’ve had a few…
You know that any blog post that starts with disucssing putting cat’s heads in one’s mouth and ends with Lindsay’s crotch will have a lot to ponder. Yours brought up a memory for me. When I was teaching, I had a little girl in my class who used to consume Nacho Doritos every morning for breakfast. I started every day being completely nauseated when she would march up to me to say Good morning. To this day, I cannot be in the same room with Nacho Doritos. Or small children.
Of those two terrifying things, only one has ever been in my mouth. Probably. Never mind.
That chandelier has been cleaned at least twice. That I know of. In the last ten years. Just saying.