I’m Growing a Penis

First and foremost, I have good news.  The parasite has a brain, a heart, two kidneys, two lungs, a liver…all those things you hope a human being will have.  So yay.

Second, the other news:

As the sonogram goop started to dry around the edges of my gut, the technician withdrew her probe and asked if we wanted to know the sex of our baby.  (Rocco was with me.  Not Justin Timberlake.  So we can just put that rumor to bed.  *sigh*)

“Yes,” Rocco shouted and bounced in his seat.  I nodded in agreement, trying not to feel like I’d been slimed by a giant green blob while waiting for Dan Akroyd to show up.

She wiggled the probe around and poked my belly until the fetus moved to a better position.  “Ah!  Here we go!  There’s one leg,” she said as she highlighted a femur on the screen.  “There’s a second leg,” she said, highlighting another large bone.  “And there’s his third leg,” she laughed, pointing at another white spot on the screen.

“Are you sure?” Rocco questioned.

“You’re going to trust me to tell you the kid has all his internal organs but you aren’t going to trust me to recognize a penis?” she asked with feigned indignation.

So it’s official.  I’m growing a penis.

A PENIS.

I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it, honestly.  Though I seem to have no problem wrapping my uterus around it.

THERE IS A PENIS INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW.

And?  Odds are I have an erection, too.

Hopefully this doesn't qualify as child pornography.

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Comments

  1. A penis! That’s fabulous. Of course, a second vagina would have been fab, too. Actually, it’s way creepier to contemplate having a vagina inside of you rather than a penis. Obviously it’s not your first penis, right?

    Very have that he has all the right parts in all the right places. Congrats!

  2. Yay! I seriously have no advice for you either. But I wouldn’t have if you were having a girl anyway. I’m just excited for you!

  3. As the proud owner of a penis, I am very happy to hear it!

    However, never having had one inside of me, I will defer to the opinions of others in that respect.

  4. so, when he starts kicking, you won’t be certain which “leg” he’ll be kicking with. Would that be incest?

  5. If you have to grow a penis that’s the best way to do it!…that I know of. I haven’t really researched it.

    Much.

    Congrats on the healthy part! Penis or no, that’s all that matters.

  6. Congratulations! Obviously penises are very “in” this year since Lu is growing one too. And really? They are sooo much easier to raise. *That’s what she said*

    ♥Spot

  7. Congrats. Just so you know, as any new father would, Rocco has already plotting his two-against-one guy takeover. Now that he knows for sure, he’s probably going to get to work on the blueprints for the traps.

  8. Oh! A boy.
    Congratulations!

    And just watch out on the erection front.. too much prenatal stress can cause all kinds of interesting boners.

    1. What do I have to be stressed about? *looks at housing contracts, list of potential literary agents, list of movers, list of sublets, starts hyperventilating*

  9. Yayayayayay!

    I always said that if by some blue moon happened to find me pregnant, I’d want a boy. For some reason, boys just seem so much more tolerable to me.

    Probably because I’m a girl and I REMEMBER how awful I was at 13.

    CONGRATS again, mama. 🙂

  10. Let’s not forget that you’re also growing a pair. And I was certain that you already had balls that would compare with those of Charlie Sheen(although much less drug addled and violent torpedo-y).

    1. So between his, mine, and the one Rocco was able to keep in the divorce but now I put in my purse so he doesn’t go losing it, I’m up to 5 balls? Not bad… Who’s up for croquet?

  11. boys are the new girl this year. I swear after about 90% girls the past three years or so for family and friends, the momentum has shifted the other way in my pathetic little life.

  12. Aww 1000 times! Can’t wait to hear your name ideas. And I’m hoping Aloysious (or however you spell that) is in the running. Or you can borrow my friend’s front-runner — Kermit. She never had a boy so technically it’s still up for grabs.

  13. Oh! And I have a boy and a girl, and I have no advice at all. Because all children are weird in their own ways. Yours will be, too. Weird kids rule.

  14. don’t forget your goggles when diaper changing. i hear they pea in your eye. ya know until they get the hang of it. then they’re all about perfecting their aim.

    so excited for you elly!!!!!!!!!

  15. We’ll hold a place in the band for him. Out of respect for the newly born there will be a name change from The Sex Monkeys to Mud and Moss. I’m not really sure why.

  16. OH, you’re having a baby. So that’s why you were hyperventilating. Sorry for mention of shoulders coming out of there — my suggestion, don’t try to do it the natural way. Take the drugs, that’s why they have them.

  17. I’ve got one of each, so I have no advice. Although that may be either because I’m naturally clueless or becuase my memory is leaking and I’ve run low.

    Oh, wait – I do have advice: when changing and you open up the diaper, IMMEDIATELY cover Pauls’ pubic place with another diaper. Do NOT get distracted by what’s in the current diaper, and do NOT remove the temporary cover until the new, clean diaper is in place and ready to be sealed shut. You would NOT believe how far a week-old boy can pee! And accurately, too. They always aim for an eye but only if an open mouth doesn’t present a better shot.

  18. You’ll get used to it. Scratch that. It’s always pretty weird. I tried to make my be-weinered experience a little more fun by referring to the baby as Pecker and Sir Nuts for a few months.

  19. Yeah yeah yeah!!!!!

    The best kind of penis to have inside you!!!!!!

    (That totally sounds wrong, doesn’t it? But YOU started it…)

    When we saw the sono for our oldest, we saw his 3rd leg before the technician even pointed out. She quickly removed the probe and asked, “So do you want to know the sex of the baby?” My husb, “Is that a…?” She said, “Eh, yes.” Then she said she has never been so certain in her “prediction” in her long career as a technician, and that if she were wrong, she’d come and help us paint the nursery from blue to pink. 🙂

    Boys are show offs. Even before they were born. 🙂

  20. Boys are fun. You’re gonna love it. Farts fly more freely, for one, and that’s good for a laugh. Don’t worry about the picture — I did the same exact thing when we found out the younger one was a boy. I also grew a schlonng once, as well. Not posting a picture of it though. Your screen resolution would have to be HUGE.

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