I’m Going into TV (or More Paula Deen Licking Things)

I’m thinking my next career should be in television.  I have a brilliant idea for a new show.  I dreamt about it last night.  Are you ready for me to drop this brilliance on you?

Cooking with Steven Tyler.

Right?  Am I right or what?  I’m right, peeps.  I’m sure of it.

Can’t you just picture our favorite dirty old man crawling seductively across a large marble island to smear whipped cream on guest Martha Stewart’s surprised face?  Or how about this?  After he butters up a cookie sheet while screeching a few bars of “Sweet Emotions,”  he leans over to Rachel Ray, rubbing his fingers together and says something creepy like, “Even better than your EVOO, isn’t it baby?”

Seriously, would you not watch that shit?

Can you just imagine what Paula Deen would do to his skinny ass?

Why can't I stop playing with this picture?

I’m slowly losing my mind, aren’t I?  I think I’ll back away from the photo editing software and give Paula’s tongue a break.

No wait, just one more because that’s the kind of attention span I have today.

Who's a sexy ukulele?

Don’t forget to enter to win your very own ukulele painted by your favorite Elly.  And now there’s photographic evidence that he’s been licked by Paula.  And that he’s 917 feet tall.  Which is still apparently 5 inches shorter than John Larroquette.

Seriously.  Someone take the keyboard away from me.  Please.


  1. It’s official! My mother’s response to us picking up any foreign object, “A dog might have peed on that!” has been replaced with “Paula Deen might have licked on that!”

  2. Must have been butter and/or mayo on the Uke and Steve Tyler’s belly… otherwise, I can’t see ol’ Paula licking ANYTHING.

    “I like to dip his balls in butter y’all.”

    Too much? Whatever, you put a picture of her licking people!

  3. God help us if the Paula Deen Licking meme ever collides with the LiLo’s crotch meme. We’ll be forced to call a Photoshop intervention.

      1. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I’m sure we’re not the only two people currently trying to photoshop Paula’s head between LiLo’s thighs.

    1. Gee, and here I thought I was the only crazy person with strong opinions about other people’s foundation garments. Buy bras that fit, women of America!

  4. Steven better be careful, ’cause right now Paula’s only using her tongue, but if she bites him, he’ll live forever.

  5. I would watch that show, just for the Martha Stewart episode. Given the way Paula’s tongue seems to be getting around I think maybe she should ask Martha to craft her a macrame tongue condom or at least some sort of homemade lubricant.

  6. What Libby said!
    It’s true that Steven Tyler is must-see-TV right now (and your cooking show sounds brilliant) but I suspect something is going to go very wrong regarding Tyler’s inappropriatisms. I smell an inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit brewing. Think about it. One of those Idol wannabes will likely get pissy after being booted and something Tyler intimated during one of his drug addled cat in heat moments is going to bite him in the ass faster than Charlie Sheen’s tiger.
    (Okay. I have no idea what I’m saying as usual but I’m going to press submit anyway.)

  7. Seriously that guy… When The American Idol started this new season, I was going about my business, then suddenly turned my head to the TV and wondered, “Who is that ugly chic next to JLo?!”

  8. I’m not big on violence, but I think Paula Deen getting whacked in the face by a ham was pretty funny. Maybe Stephen can lob a couple at her?

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