I’m a Kick Ass Bridesmaid

I’ve spent the last five hours trying to convince myself I don’t need this.  So far, it’s not working.  My only hope is that something pinker and hairier will come along quickly and capture my increasingly fleeting attention span.  (As per usual, that sounded way dirtier than I intended.)

It’s all Gwen’s fault, of course.  I was feeling all guilty because that whole “big work project” thing prevented me from joining Bridezilla on a trip to Maryland for dress tailoring and hair styling.  So I pounded my brain for ways I could help from Dirty Jersey.

I reviewed the crucial pre-wedding items: wedding gown – check, invitations – check, venue – check, caterer – check, photographer – check, florist – check, groom – check.  We’re in pretty good shape, right?

Just last week, we finally settled on the outfits for the bridal party!  The boys were pretty easy, but the debate over the girl dresses got pretty heated.  We had it narrowed down to some floaty number from J. Crew and a $60 halter dress from J.C. Penny made out of that freaky heavy microfiber stuff that never wrinkles and drapes all yummy.  Fortunately for my ginormous hips and not so ginormous wallet, the cheap dress won out.  Another bonus?  It’s going to be WAY easier to wash the puke out of that microfiber fabric.

Even better?  NO BUTT BOW.  *high fives*

Despite our obvious preparedness, I still felt guilty.  I just knew there were monstrously important things slipping through the cracks that would doubtlessly ruin Gwen’s big day.  You know, other than her choice for old married hag of honor.

The Cake Topper!  I bet no one thought of the cake topper yet!  If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s browsing through Etsy for pretty things.  So I sent her a list of all the best one’s I could find.  Here are three of my favorites, just for fun.

I Have No Idea Either
Zombies, Baby
Wah, Wah, WAAAH

I don’t understand it either, but for some reason she hasn’t ordered any of my suggestions.  Time is running out!  The zombie number is ON SALE even!  I guess you can lead a bride to bad ass cake toppers, but you can’t make her purchase.  Oh well, I tried.

Had it not been for Gwen’s utter disrespect for the cake topper tradition, I wouldn’t have been trolling around in search of small figurines while consuming cheap wine with the noble intention of SAVING HER WEDDING FROM IMMINENT DOOM.

…and I wouldn’t be obsessed with Vincenzo – the cutest little wooden man on Planet Earth.  (Yeah I named him.  You wanna make something of it?)  Do you think Pinocchio could have looked that fetching in a pink negligee?!  Why do those little hair curlicues make me giggle so?

Speaking of underthings, I’m off to find wedding-worthy boob stuff for Bridezilla.  As usual, she’s already dismissed my suggestion and is insisting we actually go to a store and try things on.  *yawn*

Don’t panic, I have a plan.  I’ll just pack my “water bottle”, share the contents with Gwen, then when that’s half empty I’ll remind her it’s Fleet Week.  We should be down by the docks well before dinner time.

Happy Memorial Day, Interwebz.  And thanks to all the service men and women of past, present, and future – of all sexual orientations.


    1. I also have it on good authority (you know, mine) that you can leave it balled up in the bottom of your book bag for three days without gathering a single wrinkle. Just like Demi Moore.

    1. Tadpoles! That makes way more sense than land sharks. I must remember to always come to you, Sweet Monkey Chaps, for answers on these kinds of things.

  1. Can I reserve you as a bridesmaid for my second wedding (even though I’m still happily in my first marriage)?
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Baby" =-.

    1. I know, right? I sort of want to build him a little altar out of Altoid tins, Orange Nehi bottle caps, and battery operated Christmas lights.

    1. Totally! Then every time they see each other Vincenzo will say in his gravelly Harvey Fierstein-esque voice, “What’s it all about, Alfie?”

  2. Personally, I love all three of those cake toppers. I’m definitely bookmarking them for when my daughter gets married. Awesome job. I can’t believe Gwen is being such a PITA. What the hell is wrong with the wine rack?? Seriously, I’ve been to several wedding where I could have used one. (For the wine, not the extra boobage.) And that was just during the “getting ready” part.

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..The one where I’m not on the verge of fortune and fame and I have Rickets =-.

  3. I have to agree with Spot- the cake toppings rock! Kinda makes me wish I had had a cake for my wedding. The little black dresses are hot!! And I really see no problem with the underwear. I think it’s the most important part of the night- making sure you’re well stocked! 🙂 As for Vince…reminds me of someone I know whom I don’t really care to picture in that outfit….

    1. That’s three words. You should still buy one for him. That way his Vincenzo and your Virgin Mary can totally hang out together.

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