If Boobs Could Talk

Left Boob: This is it.  This is the time it’s going to work.  I can feel it.

Right Boob: *snicker*

Left Boob: No really!  I’ve been working out – you know – pumping like mad.

Paul: *latches on*

Left Boob: Oh yo!  Here we go!

Paul: *whimpers, scowls*

Right Boob: *snickers*

Left Boob: C’mon kid, you’re giving me an inferiority complex!

Right Boob: I can’t watch.

Left Boob: Did he just roll his eyes at me?

Right Boob: *dribbling*  Oh relax.  He can’t even control his eyes consistently yet.  Besides, he’s probably shitting again.

Left Boob: Keep it down over there.  And can you please not leak while I’m trying to work?  You’re distracting him.

Paul: *spits out nipple*

Left Boob: DAMNIT!

Right Boob: How’s that working out for you?

Left Boob: *ignoring Righty*  Let’s try it again, Paul.  How about this angle?

Paul: *wailing, throws head from side to side*

Right Boob: C’mere kiddo.  I got what you need.

Paul: *eagerly latches on, proceeds to suck harder than a Rod Stewart’s Greatest Hits album*

Left Boob: Double damnit.  How do you do that?

Right Boob: It’s pretty easy when you don’t suck….or can’t get sucked in your case.

Left Boob: Real fucking helpful, Righty.  You’re a dick.

Right Boob: No idiot, I’m a boob.  So are you.  But if you’re under the impression we’re dicks, that might explain why you’re so bad at this.

Left Boob: I’m not THAT bad at it.

Paul: *pulls away to catch breath*

Right Boob: Can you do this?  *shoots stream of milk up Paul’s nose*

Paul: *sneezes*

Left Boob: *horrified*  Why on Earth would I ever want to?

Right Boob: *laughs*  I’m rich on liquid gold, bitch.

Left Boob:  I thought that was oil.

Right Boob:  That’s black gold.  Didn’t you pay attention to the nurses or consultants in the hospital?

Left Boob:  The lactation nazis?  I had to start ignoring all their literature depicting 70’s boobs with “Liquid Gold” written in flowing cursive.  Besides, I’m not a real big fan of people I don’t know laying their hands all over me.

Right Boob:  You’re too uptight.  And you should probably have listened.  I was an A student.  You’re just an A cup.

Paul: *latches back on sucking like a Tyler Perry movie*

Right Boob: …as I was saying.

Left Boob: You are such an asshole.

Right Boob: I thought we covered this…

Not actually Paul. Thank goodness. 

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  1. Poor Lefty! Nobody likes a superior, smug teat, Righty! Actually it sounds like Paul likes you but that’s just because of your fucking liquid gold not your personality! Jerkstore.

  2. Aw. Lefty, I feel your pain. Well. Not anymore but there was a time or four when that happened to me. Except Righty wasn’t cooperating, either. My boobs seem to be for decorative purposes only. The pic is hilarious. What I love about you is that you make me laugh out loud on a Tuesday night when I could be sitting around contemplating stuffing recipes while my eyes glaze over

  3. R-boob is a classic overachiever and L-boob just can’t compete. But don’t despair, L-boob! When Elly is old, you will still be riding high and R-boob will be sagging down around her waist. What goes around, comes around.

  4. Oh girl this had me laughing my ass off. It might simply be a preference in how he cradles in the other arm. In some cases if they are not comfortable on a side they will not latch on the same. Keep trying and pumping! 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving!

  5. All men show a right boob preference. The law of supply and demand dictates that the biggest producer gets the most face time thereby beginning the cyclical downward spiral that never ends. I just gave up and started with the award winning right one followed by a light left hand side dessert.

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