Left Boob: This is it. This is the time it’s going to work. I can feel it.
Right Boob: *snicker*
Left Boob: No really! I’ve been working out – you know – pumping like mad.
Paul: *latches on*
Left Boob: Oh yo! Here we go!
Paul: *whimpers, scowls*
Right Boob: *snickers*
Left Boob: C’mon kid, you’re giving me an inferiority complex!
Right Boob: I can’t watch.
Left Boob: Did he just roll his eyes at me?
Right Boob: *dribbling* Oh relax. He can’t even control his eyes consistently yet. Besides, he’s probably shitting again.
Left Boob: Keep it down over there. And can you please not leak while I’m trying to work? You’re distracting him.
Paul: *spits out nipple*
Left Boob: DAMNIT!
Right Boob: How’s that working out for you?
Left Boob: *ignoring Righty* Let’s try it again, Paul. How about this angle?
Paul: *wailing, throws head from side to side*
Right Boob: C’mere kiddo. I got what you need.
Paul: *eagerly latches on, proceeds to suck harder than a Rod Stewart’s Greatest Hits album*
Left Boob: Double damnit. How do you do that?
Right Boob: It’s pretty easy when you don’t suck….or can’t get sucked in your case.
Left Boob: Real fucking helpful, Righty. You’re a dick.
Right Boob: No idiot, I’m a boob. So are you. But if you’re under the impression we’re dicks, that might explain why you’re so bad at this.
Left Boob: I’m not THAT bad at it.
Paul: *pulls away to catch breath*
Right Boob: Can you do this? *shoots stream of milk up Paul’s nose*
Left Boob: *horrified* Why on Earth would I ever want to?
Right Boob: *laughs* I’m rich on liquid gold, bitch.
Left Boob: I thought that was oil.
Right Boob: That’s black gold. Didn’t you pay attention to the nurses or consultants in the hospital?
Left Boob: The lactation nazis? I had to start ignoring all their literature depicting 70’s boobs with “Liquid Gold” written in flowing cursive. Besides, I’m not a real big fan of people I don’t know laying their hands all over me.
Right Boob: You’re too uptight. And you should probably have listened. I was an A student. You’re just an A cup.
Paul: *latches back on sucking like a Tyler Perry movie*
Right Boob: …as I was saying.
Left Boob: You are such an asshole.
Right Boob: I thought we covered this…
So the text part is funny. I snickered. But then I saw the picture, and I spat taco all over. (Wait, I mean… nevermind.)
Poor Lefty! Nobody likes a superior, smug teat, Righty! Actually it sounds like Paul likes you but that’s just because of your fucking liquid gold not your personality! Jerkstore.
Aw. Lefty, I feel your pain. Well. Not anymore but there was a time or four when that happened to me. Except Righty wasn’t cooperating, either. My boobs seem to be for decorative purposes only. The pic is hilarious. What I love about you is that you make me laugh out loud on a Tuesday night when I could be sitting around contemplating stuffing recipes while my eyes glaze over
R-boob is a classic overachiever and L-boob just can’t compete. But don’t despair, L-boob! When Elly is old, you will still be riding high and R-boob will be sagging down around her waist. What goes around, comes around.
Quite possibly the best boob dialogue in all of literature. No. Fuck it. I’m just gonna commit. THE best.
What Ninja Mom said. Clearly.
Also, even boobs can be assholes. (e.g. Rick Santorum)(also Right Boob)
Ahhhh. So glad my boobs no longer have conversations like that.
Now they discuss which boob is closer to grazing the pavement when I walk.
Oh girl this had me laughing my ass off. It might simply be a preference in how he cradles in the other arm. In some cases if they are not comfortable on a side they will not latch on the same. Keep trying and pumping! 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving!
So funny! I, too, had a gimp boob. Turns out my A+ boob was actually lagging behind my normally A- boob which during a good session, might produce a half an ounce! Woohoo!
If boobs had to talk to anyone, I’m glad it was you.
Those are some chatty boobs there lady. You could make a fortune with an act like that, though Right Boob sounds like a bit of a Diva. I have to wonder do they do this in public or are they like the singing frog in the old cartoon and only chat in private. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRnX4quv5W4&feature=related
All men show a right boob preference. The law of supply and demand dictates that the biggest producer gets the most face time thereby beginning the cyclical downward spiral that never ends. I just gave up and started with the award winning right one followed by a light left hand side dessert.
Your boobs need to take their act on the road…
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