I Have the Attention Span of a

I’m a little melancholy today.  Don’t panic, I promise this isn’t all doom and gloom.  There’s plenty of obscenities, ass smacking, unicorns, bunnies, and gangsta rap if you just stick with me to the end.  It’s just been a funny week so I’m having trouble focusing.

One of my favorite people on earth had a little setback with his cancer.  As per usual, he managed to make me smile even as I took in the news.  He’s magic like that.  There’s a reason he’s one of my favorites.  He’s going to be fine, damnit.  But all the same, just send some happy healing thoughts his way, k?

Then there’s the whole letter my lawyer just sent, backing out of our house purchase.  Seems no one wants to buy my adorable condo in Hoboken.  Sadly my plans for world domination are still in the early stages to I don’t really have the liquid assets to pay two mortgages.  I guess it’s time to take all the kitchenware out of the oven.

In a mere six days, I’ll be on the road for a consulting gig I’m doing – where I travel to six cities in THREE WEEKS.  While I’m sure I’ll squeeze in some fun, I’m a little nervous.  I haven’t done anything like this in years (read: since before I got sick).  I guess there’s nothing like a trial by fire to figure out if you have all your strength back, eh?  *gulp*

On the other hand (this is where we bring back the fun, I promise), you guys have sent me some abso-smurfly wonderful things lately – things that make me piddle a little on my desk chair because I laugh so hard when I see them.  (Note to self: recover desk chair.)


Sarah, you are completely right.  I NEED my very own Unicorn Corn Holders.  I’m not sure how I’ve survived this long without them.  While I’m ordering, I’ll probably snatch up a set of the Unikeys and the Freakin’ Magical Unicorn Gum as well.  If you ever want to pursue a gig with Amazon, call me.  I write a mean letter of recommendation.

As per usual, Creamed Corn comes up with some rather wonderful jewels.  After I lost hours distracted by this site about scary Easter Bunnies he sent me the following music video.  Now I answer the phone, “Where my gerunds at?”  Just an FYI, that confuses the hell out of most caterers.

My brother Thom sets the bar pretty high as well.  I’d never even heard of Garfunkel and Oates before he sent me a link to this video.  He seems to think I say douche too often.  What a douche.

But the winner for the week?  Jess – hands down – when she sent me this article.  I can’t decide if how I feel about this video – am I horrified, amused, or uncomfortable?  Then I focused on the guys face when I watched it for the fourteenth time.  The answer is d) all of the above.  I can’t stop watching this.  I propose Gwen and Matt bust these moves for their first dance as man and wife.

You’re welcome.  Now…I have to go see a man about a bicycle.  Sadly that’s not a euphemism.


  1. Garfunkel and Oats are so hot. I got in soooooooo much trouble when I sent the one about pregnant women are smug to ALL of my friends, one of whom was three months into her pregnancy…ooooh boy, do not mess with hormones!

    I want to watch the videos…but it is kind of quiet at work. Later…my sweet.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Bow Chicka Wow Wow! =-.

  2. I am definitely ordering the Unicorn key to open my Unicorn Palace. For fucking real! I love it. I am all excited. I have to read your blog in installments cause that’s how my brain works. Be back in a flash. Well not that kind of flash.
    .-= Virginia´s last blog .. =-.

  3. Garfunkel and Oats: Wow I NEED to hear them do Moldy Peaches’ Stake For Chicken. Till then I’ll just stalk have a crush on the cute one….

  4. i’m laughing my motherfucking douche ass off here! i want garfunkel and oates’ bling.

    and the butt fighting reminds me of big booty bitches. so bonus points!
    .-= pattypunker´s last blog ..plastic joy award =-.

  5. Love the first video – the second was good. I may need to wash my eyes out with bleach after seeing the third one. Either that or therapy? I don’t know about the huge wedgie she had. Must have been shitty uncomfortable. Bwahahahaha.
    .-= Virginia´s last blog .. =-.

    1. I think the belt and it’s randomness is my favorite part. No wait, it’s when she kicks him in the head. Repeatedly. Wait, maybe it’s the belt. *sigh*

  6. Okay, Reggie is the shit. No pun intended. And that guy in the third video must be on downers. What is wrong with him? He’s just sitting there. Impossible. And did that lady used to be a man?
    .-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..Simply Okra =-.

  7. Okay I saw this the other day and it made me think of you. http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/unicorn-meat.shtml I don’t know what that means though probably that it’s a little disturbing that I was daydreaming about a woman who blows porcupines in her spare time. But hey, normal and I have been estranged for years now.

    And that last one, well…., well WTF? Now need to go out back and poke my eyes out with a rusty melon baller. WTF dude?
    .-= Rusty Hoe´s last blog ..Lies, Damn Lies, And Statistics. =-.

  8. Right – This censorship business is getting right up my nose now… I can’t understand how I can get free porn at home but they block the internet… bastards!! ;0)

    If you don’t see me for a while it’s because they see the shit I write on my PC too…


  9. @ work so dare not open up any link. *sigh* Read the description of the butt fighting dance. So is it supposed to be a feminist song empowering women (specifically strippers)? Well, I am down with that anyway. And I am so excited for your gig!!! It looks so, eh, grownup and corporate. LOL. 😉 Our little Elly is all grown up and is going to places (literally and figuratively). And OMG you are staying at the Wit??!! You MUST check out the rooftop bar. Please say you will. I will live thru you vicariously.
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Warning: Do not read this if you are my husband =-.

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