Hunter vs Gatherer

Why exactly do men suck at finding things? Wow, there’s a whole lot o’ directions that question could go that might quickly get offensive. Let’s narrow it down so I’m just insulting. Does it never occur to men to make even a cursory look around a room before asking their wife where the item in question is?

Rocco: Honey, have you seen the hammer?

Me: Dude, I’m in the shower. It’s not in here.

Rocco: Yeah, but I can’t find it.

Me: Did you actually look?

Rocco: Jeez, of course I looked. It’s not anywhere I would have put it. You must have moved it.

Me: Did you look on the ladder you were using before I jumped in the shower?

Rocco: Oh…

Seriously, is there some genetic difference between the male and female of the species that makes men better at hunting and women at gathering? Can men only see things that are moving (ex: wild game, cars, boobs, and televised sporting events)? Is there some shape to the eye that allows women to notice things that aren’t moving (ex: vegetation, a really good sale, and husbands that are supposed to be helping unpack)?

Is it just perpetuating the problem when you find said item for them? Am I enabling him? Is it just a matter of time before he’s unable to find…oh hell I can’t even think of an example he hasn’t asked me to help him find before — pants before leaving the house, food in the fridge, keys, phone, etc. Guess I answered that question for myself…

Rocco: Where’s the cleaning stuff?

Me (yelling from the top of a ladder in a different room): What?!

Rocco (barely raising his voice and not moving): The cleaning stuff. Where is it?

Me (yelling louder and trying to navigate down the ladder with box in hand): Are you talking to me? I can’t hear…

Rocco: Yeah! I’m in here!

Me (muttering and stubbing my toe on the tools spread about the apartment): Ok I’m here. What?

Rocco: Where’s the cleaning stuff?

Me: Two feet in front of your face at eye level.

Rocco: Huh. How did that get there?

Shouldn’t there be a cursory amount of time for searching before you enlist help?  Sure, if you’re in a monster hurry there’s exceptions, but in the course of every day non-hurried life?  I think you’ve got to give it at least a solid three minutes before you start sweet talking others into doing your searching.  And no, walking into a room, huffing, turning around, and walking back out without having even turned on the light DOES NOT count as a genuine attempt at searching for an item.

Rocco: Honey have you seen my…

Me (interrupting): Don’t you DARE ask me where something is!

Rocco (offended): What do you mean?

Me: Look for it first. Whatever it is…just look once.

Rocco: But you’re just so good at remembering where things are.  I think it’s good for your chemo brain.  Aloysius said you should try memory games.

Me: Lazy mother…

Rocco (doing a ridiculous dance to an eighties tune on the radio): Seriously El, I just want you to be happy.

Me (deflated and always a sucker): Fine, what can’t you find?

Rocco (beaming from ear to ear and still shimmying): Gym shoes?

Me: You’ll know where they are as soon as I find them and shove them up your ass.


  1. I email my wife when i can’t find something so i can print out the answer so i don’t forget the directions.

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