Historic Day

Need a way to while away your afternoon?  Check out Neil’s Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert!  (I counted six ukuleles!)  And while you’re there you can blame him for my not getting anything more meaty written today.

Heh.  I said meaty.  Which makes me think of that damn bacon nativity scene.  Again.

Speaking of meat, here’s a little conversation Rocco and I had on his birthday.  Parental figures and siblings should probably not read any further.

Me:  So I don’t think you’re going to get birthday sex.

Rocco:  No?

Me:  I have my period and my panties smell like a hamster.  But I could try and give you a birthday blow job if you’d like.  *massages recently dentist-defiled jaw and spits blood*

Rocco:  Uh, I’m good.

A man turned down a blow job.  A MAN TURNED DOWN A BLOW JOB.  It’s a Christmas miracle.  You may now return to your day.


  1. Yo! I was feeling a little destructivah before I read your post. Then I laughed a whole bunch (because I was reading your post) and now the inanimate objects in my life will live to fight another day.

  2. I am laughing my butt off at that conversation. My brother would be twitching and vomiting in his mouth if I said something like that. ha ha ha. That is hilarious. The thought of making him do that cracks me up.

    I have been to view that holiday concert – linked over from Ninja Mom’s page. IT is awesome. There are so many cool videos. I love the song you did with your brother.

    I consider my brother one of my best friends but I could never in life get him to sing with me, not even drunken karaoke. I am so jealous.

  3. I once had my teeth coated in corrugated steel with rusty nails added for good measure. Then I got lockjaw from the rust and my husband STILL didn’t turn down a blow job.
    It must be all the practice I got on the tour bus. Thank god I got something out of it besides bruised knees.

  4. Also I thought you’d like to know that I removed the hamster from his cage and have spent the better part of one hour smelling various parts of his body.
    I’m getting a distinctly cedar woodchip type of aroma with a hint of rodent musk.
    Consider yourself a lucky girl if your panties smell this good during your period.
    I think that may have been the line I needed to cross to be considered truly foul.

    1. He said you’re no longer his favorite commenter. I’m sure you can make it up to him by sneaking him into another cheeseburger themed party.

  5. Considering your 2 previous posts, I’m picturing DeNiro from Raging Bull with your voice having the above convo. Can’t say as I’d be in the mood either.

  6. Hey, your video duet with Thom for the Online Holiday Concert is great! I thought, “How soulful!” I was a bit surprised at your choice of song, actually. However, at the end of the video, I thought “Oh yes! That’s more like it!”

  7. OMG I LITERALLY was laughing out loud… *still snickering* it is a Christmas miracle.. no doubt about it… turn down a BJ? Holy shit!

  8. My only single friend once had a guy STOP her in the middle of a knob polishing because she was “doing it wrong.” Not just stopped, discontinued! But even he didn’t turn it down in the first place!

    1. What the?
      Stopped mid blow?
      What the hell was she doing ? Gnawing on it with her incisors?
      I would be profoundly insulted and would immediately jump up on the little platform I keep handy for such occasions so that I could spout off the list of satisfied customers who said I could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch without so much as a scratch on it!!!
      Again, sorry Elly.
      Too much information.

        1. The term “foofy bird” is positively whimsical!!!
          Please from here on in would everyone please refer to my vagina as this.
          Yes, I realize this might be confusing but it makes me happy.

          1. Also, at the risk of being kicked out forever I suggest we give a post dental work blow job refresher course. It could be incredibly helpful for those suffering from the residual pain of a root canal or continued loose lips from too much novocaine.
            You could keep a bucket handy on the side of the practice area for spitting blood and various “other things”.
            On a side note you should probably hire someone you don’t like to dump and clean the bucket.

  9. You know, it would almost be worth getting married if I’d get to have conversations like that. Try delivering that hamster line to a guy you’re only dating – suddenly he’d turn into an olympic sprinter. On second thought…I think I just found my “irritating man repelant”.

    I heart you and your inappropriate dialogue. Let’s move in together.

  10. Not sure whether I’m more troubled by the spitting of blood (expertly timed, might I add), or the whole concept of “birthday sex” as an expected annual ‘event’.

    So many reasons not to get married…

    1. The blood spitting is far less disturbing than the birthday sex. Unless the birthday sex includes a special swing and video cameras, or something you just don’t normally do. Seriously……birthday sex????

  11. Wow!!! My jaw almost dropped to the floor! Now, that’s not an invitation to inject a surrogate mouth into the situation… okay bad visual and a sin of course and I don’t think you ever followed up on giving him that robotic schlong that could stretch 6 or 7 states in a pinch or internationally when you’re out of town… maybe I should just stop. Okay, back on point. Damn, I can’t believe he turned down your fix for oral pleasure!

  12. God,I wish I had some original idea to write about on my own blog instead of coming over here and ruining yours. I’m sorry I’m loitering so much, it’s like you’re the 7-11 and I’m the drunk guy peeing outside and trying to scrape up enough change for a hot dog.

    1. What would 7-11 be without the drunk? I think you’re more like the social worker in Clerks that compulsively empties all the eggs from their cartons. Just like that but with awesome boobs. And OBVIOUSLY you’re about to write a blog post about dental hygiene, blow jobs, and ways to keep your foofy bird from smelling like a hamster.

      1. OOOHH I love this. It’s like we’re talking in code to each other!
        Quick,call in an airstrike using these terms “Foofy bird we have a smelly hamster at twenty paces with post dental perimeter blowjobs infiltrating on the left!”
        Bring ALL your firepower! Ok, I’ll go away now.

  13. I usually hate it when people include those private conversations that are always funny only to them then I gotta pretend it was clever while running far far away from their stupid blog, but your private conversation with Rocco was hilarious and kind of a turn on. Thanks for stopping by my blog today.

  14. You and Thom and Herbert are my favorite in that whole lineup. You did the song great justice: John Denver AND the muppets would be very proud.

    Now back to you and Rocco’s conversation: All of a sudden, I am liking the dentists a lot and am actually looking forward to my appointment!

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