I’m Related to Guy Lombardo

I received an email yesterday from Guy Lombardo.  My first thought was, “Spam.”  Then my second thought was, “Heh, Lombardo is a fun word.”  Then my third thought was, “Wasn’t there some sports type person named Vince Lombardo?  I wonder if they’re related.”  Then I started humming Auld Lang Syne and set off on a Google quest to see if Guy and his Royal Canadians had ever played in the World Series.

Drew's Twin Brother

Thirty minutes and a seventeen listens to Managua, Nicaragua (Ole!) later, I remembered the actual email.  And I read it.  And as it turns out, it’s not Vince and Guy that are related.  (Actually they still might be for all I know.  I didn’t actually research it.)  I’m related to Guy Lombardo.  He’s my brother!

Rather, my brother Drew decided to change his email preferences so that he shows up in my inbox as Guy Lombardo.  Because obviously.

If you cross your eyes, they do kinda look alike.

Also this is why I always have headaches.  My siblings confuse me.  That and I spend a lot of time with my eyes crossed.  And not just because it makes Mildred’s cone look an awful lot like He-Man’s Battle Cat.

Is anyone else having trouble staying focused today?  Maybe I need some caffeine.

Oh right.  Back at the email from my brother, Guy Lombardo…

“I can’t believe I’m potentially contributing to the grossness that is your blog — but I guess I don’t have to read it —and you don’t have to post it.  So there.”

So of course I clicked on the link.  Because who doesn’t click in a link from Guy Lombardo, right?  And this is what I found.

I don't think Zamfir is itchin to show off his prowess on this instrument.

What?  Like your family doesn’t send you links to instructional tampon craft sites…

Note to previously mentioned instructional tampon craft site: If you need to clarify that the tampons included in your list of “materials” should be “unused,” it’s highly unlikely your readers are functioning at a high enough mental capacity to operate a hot glue gun.  Also a tampon menorah is too weird for words.

Sadly I can’t find a video of anyone performing a Guy Lombardo song on the tampon pan flute, so this will have to suffice – a man playing a cabbage.  Now your head can hurt, too.


  1. Oh Lord… that one brought tears of laughter to my eyes…

    I would just like to spend a day inside your brain. I have a feeling it would be like Disneyworld, only on acid.

  2. It is most unfortunate that I neglected to read further than the instructional for the tampon flute to the part that specified that they should be unused.
    Still I’m sure I can get some dimwitted mythical creature to play it without an argument.

      1. I can’t use Minotaurs now because suddenly, just like unicorns, they are all over the internet as the hot new mythical creature. Cyclops was next on my list but someone snagged him too with his big expressive eye.
        Now I’m fucking down to the humble Yeti and the magnificent but not quite a unicorn winged stallion Pegasus.
        Is it still a technically a mythical creature if we use bad guys like Medusa?

        1. I think you can do whatever the hell you want, pookie. In tube socks, none the less. But be careful how much you talk about one-eyed monsters, k?

  3. 微キャベツフルート演奏のことを、非常に面白いビデオデモをいただき、ありがとうございます。

    1. I translated it and everything: “Flute playing that fine cabbage, very interesting video demonstration you, thank you.” Now I’m just going to need some pronunciation guide so I can work it in conjunction with my German phrases.

      1. dammit – that wasn’t what I typed, but I like your translation better than what I wrote. Sounds like engrish.com to me.

  4. Holy mother of God. I have got to buy those earrings for Jerrod at The Yellow Factor. He loves periods. Ask him. Swearsies.

    P.S. – I love your randomness. Makes me giggle.

    1. Oh good. On both counts, I guess. My randomness makes my shrink rub her temples so I’m glad to hear it doesn’t affect everyone that way.

  5. See, you post something like tampon crafts, and all I can think are the wasted years of growing up with SEVEN SISTERS and NO TAMPON CRAFTS! We had all kinds of supplies to create works of arts, and we didn’t even realize it.

  6. I couldn’t watch the cabbage guy because his eyes were burning my brain, the tampon bouquet, however, did catch my eye…. Interestingly enough. Watch out Etsy…

  7. Chief Meanie: Ah, the hills are alive…
    Max: [sings] … with the sound of music!
    Chief Meanie: [Punches Max] Who did it? Who is responsible for this?
    Max: Rimsky-Korsakov?
    [Chief Meanie shoots him, Blue Menial #3 stomps him into ground]
    Max: [Poking his head up from ground] Guy Lombardo?

  8. Holy shit, a tampon menorah!? I totally want one. And I’m not even Jewish, but I’d consider converting if it meant I could have a tampon menorah. Can I just tell you that I used to work for this freaky deaky couple in LA whose dog used to dig dirty tampons out of the trash and then drag them out to the yard? And then one day boss lady finds a tampon out in the yard and comes in to the house and says, “Is that your tampon out in the yard?” As if I stood out in the yard, pulled it from my vagina and tossed it in the yard. She was riiiiidiculous. Tampon stories are fun!

    1. To be fair, I’ve met people annoying enough that I’ve honestly considered yanking out my tampon and slapping them with it. So I guess it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that someone would fling ’em about their bosses yard.

  9. That whole *whispers* tampon thing.


    The being related to Guy Lombardo 😉 AWESOME!
    I also don’t appreciate the way that guy was treating that cabbage.

  10. *giggles*

    Tampons as a musical instrument? One more thing to add to the list of uses.

    I swear, those things are more useful than ductape.

  11. I appreciate their highlighting in the instruction that the tampons should be “Unused” otherwise you know I was going to just recycle because I want my children to have a better future… Speaking of Pan Flute… Here’s David Sedaris commenting on the ubiquitous presence of pan flute…



    p.s. How do we know that guy was just not whistling?!

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