Education Leads to Intoxication

I really thought I was going to write about this article today.  I mean, the title couldn’t be more brilliant – “Cleverest Women Are the Heaviest Drinkers.”  I’m clever as all hell.  My box of wine told me so.  I’m so clever that after I clicked on that link and read that brilliant title, I turned off my computer, poured myself a glass of wine and toasted the depths of my clever-itude while mercilessly judging the American Idol contestants, calm with the knowledge that I already had a topic for today’s post.

Side Bar:  I love American Idol.  LOVE.  Go ahead and judge me.  There’s something magical about watching someone blossom, find their way, flounder occasionally, then find their voice, find a way to let their heart sing.  It doesn’t hurt that I’m a music junkie.  It also doesn’t hurt that I never watch it live so I can zip through all the random banter and hideous performances.

Side Side Bar: I had been seriously considering finding a second hand ukulele and learning how to play “Enter Sandman” so I’d have a worthwhile party trick instead of the old standard squeezing-my-fist-into-my-mouth routine.  After last night’s show, I’m thinking a didgeridoo might be even better, even though slightly less portable.  Also I’m not sure you can play “Enter Sandman” on a didgeridoo.  Judges?  What should I do?  Ukulele or didgeridoo?  In the meantime, I’ll keep practicing my kazoo.  Crap, someone already did “Enter Sandman” on the kazoo.

Side Side Side Bar:  I can’t believe how much time I’ve spent this morning watching videos of “Enter Sandman.”  If I was really clever, I’d have better time management skills.  And shoes that fit.  Crap.  How is this post not over already?  My attention span is shot.  I could really use a tall glass of…AHEM…water.

Then this morning I bothered to READ the article.  First line:

Women who went to university consume more alcohol than their less-highly-educated counterparts, a major study has found.

HooRAY!!!  Fist bumps and ass slaps all around!  Next line:

Those with degrees are almost twice as likely to drink daily, and they are also more likely to admit to having a drinking problem.

Boo.  Hiss.

The report concludes: “The more educated women are, the more likely they are to drink alcohol on most days and to report having problems due to their drinking patterns.

“The better-educated appear to be the ones who engage the most in problematic patterns of alcohol consumption.”

Women’s alcohol consumption can even be predicted from their scores in school tests taken when they are as as young as five.

Women who achieved “medium” or “high” test marks as schoolgirls are up to 2.1 times more likely to drink daily as adults.

There’s a lesson here for you parental people.  Encourage your daughters to stop studying – immediately!!  Leave higher education to milkaholics like Lindsay Lohan.  Look at Bristol Palin!  That girl certainly won’t have a drinking problem later in life – you know – once she’s of legal drinking age.

I hope you’re happy, Mom and Dad.  How could you let me go to grad school?  In NYC?!?

Talk about enablers.  First you spent ten hours in a van piled high with hand me down furniture and a caterwauling caged feline, dragging my ass to Hell’s Kitchen.  Then, once you carried the first load up the narrow stairs at the ungodly hour of 1am and realized people had broken into the apartment, peed everywhere, and turned it into a crack den, you calmly set about carefully collecting the broken crack vials and rat poison before launching into the most ambitious cleaning endeavor ever undertaken.  Then you left me there.  With money.  For alcohol food.  What the hell kind of parents do that?

If you really cared, you would have insisted I watch more TV as a child.  I’m going to go ahead and get my name on the waiting list for a super swanky rehab center, then wait patiently for Natalie Portman’s inevitable descent into alcoholism so we can be roomies.

Don’t make the same mistake, Interwebz!  Confiscate your daughters’ books and make her watch American Idol.  STAT!


  1. Does this mean I am safe since the Drama Queen plans to center her education around the arts? I’m confused. I need a drink. My degree does me no good when it comes to these things, it sometimes feels like the wine is the only thing that makes it clearer.
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..You Have No Idea =-.

  2. Interesting. Maybe this PhD is a bad idea. Then again, I drink a lot less now than I used to, probably because I have a lot less money than I used to…

  3. bwahahaha – my box wine talks to me, too.

    my college friends thought i was the coolest at graduation with the double tassle on my cap indicating “magna cum laude”. which in latin means “drink with great honor. you’ve earned it bitch.” yeah, unlike other languages latin gets there in less words.
    .-= pattypunker´s last blog ..happy easter a la patty punker =-.

  4. I missed the part which proved your above-average college-educated intelligence. Did I blink?

  5. I’m going to drunk dial this post lataaaaa.

    So all those girls running around mid winter in nothing but stripper boots, insisting through their tooth breaking chittering that they are perfectly warm in the -30 weather, loaded and asking me if I’m a cop before asking me if I have ANY KIND OF DRUGS to sell them *tEEEEheee* are really geniuses?
    .-= Hellachella´s last blog ..Beach Vampire Bingo =-.

  6. Dear Elly,

    You are definitely the light of my life. Drunk or Sober. Thank you for posting that cause now I know why I am in grad school. Grad School = more wine. Phd. = alcoholism. Awesome. That is definitely a win win formula there. Body slams for all the awesomeness of educated alcoholics.

    I am elated you are going to buy a ukelele. Since I support this idea,for sure, when you get your ukelele – you must play Don Ho’s Tiny Bubbles for the interwebz.


    P.S. I would hold off on the rehab because there is a lot more alcohol to consume. I can’t drink it all y’all.
    .-= Virginia´s last blog ..Penis Glitter and Why I am not so sure about that trip to India. =-.

  7. First off, when I tweeted you back about chasing a beiber shake with everclear I had not yet read this post…means you and I are great minds because we think alike.

    Second…I read an article today that to be considered a HEAVY drinker for men is two drinks a day…for women. ONE MOTHER FUCKING DRINK A DAY. And now I am really scared because one is like doing a shot of water. Sigh.

    How about this?…I get a ukelele and you get the didgeridoo and we just hum along together in a glittery cloud?
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: This Was Not What I Wanted To Write About Today =-.

  8. I think I know two reasons why higher educated women drink more. For one, they can probably afford to buy more alcohol because you have to presume that if they got an education, they did it so they could get a better paying job. Also, smarter women are more aware of it when their lives are troubled, and they drink to feel better about it. Believe me, nothing makes me forget my problems quicker than a margarita or ten.
    .-= Aunt Juicebox´s last blog ..Who Really Needs 4 Limbs Anyway, Right? =-.

  9. Natalie is so going down that road, chic is SMART and highly educated! I have a different theory about why highly educated women, esp. the one that did well when they were “schoolgirls”, drink so much more: disappointment. If you are running around the house like a headless chicken and then you remember that you actually have a Ph.D., yeah, you hit the booze like there is no tomorrow.
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..One Ellen DeGeneres is not enough =-.

  10. Btw, with regarding the debate between ukelele and didgeridoo? How about you do both at the same time. Just prop that sucker up, then you can have your hands free to play the ukelele. I am going to book your performance for my private party at BlogHer, ok? I wonder whether Hilton comes with a room equipped with a stripper pole?…
    .-= subWOW´s last blog ..One Ellen DeGeneres is not enough =-.

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