Driving Miss Solid Potato Salad

Last night I was lucky enough to score a ticket to the opening night performance of Driving Miss Daisy (Thanks Keri, I totally owe you sexual favors).  I don’t know that I have a whole lot to say about the show other than I LOVE JAMES EARL JONES.  I would watch him read articles from a medical journal.

By the by, I totally don’t buy that guy as Darth Vader.  He’s about as evil as changing the Star Wars theme into a Beethoven song is necessary.  Have you ever heard his laugh?  I swear when he giggled the lights grew brighter.  I can’t believe I didn’t get the chance to lick him.

I DO have something to say about the after-party, though.  Even though I was woefully under-dressed, they still let me into The Plaza Hotel.  Me.  In the mother fucking Plaza Hotel.  With an open bar.  I was more excitable than Eloise herself.

So there I was, happily enjoying my cocktail, watching some crazy lady steal a chair from Brian Dennehy, and wondering how I managed to luck myself into this fete, when it started.  Everyone kept talking about the potato salad.  (Looks sternly at Bridget.  Again.)

“How’s the food?”

“It’s ok, but the potato salad is excellent.”

“Did you try the chicken?”

“It’s so dry compared to the potato salad.”

“I’m stuffed.”

“Me too, but I can’t resist more of that potato salad.”

Now to those of you that didn’t read yesterday’s comments, this probably seems like a boring and mundane detail.  But for those of you that clicked through on Bridget’s link, you know I was chanting the words “Solid Potato Salad” and envisioning freakishly bendy pig-tailed girls each time someone took a bite of oily white wedges.

And it happened a LOT.

Because sharing is caring, I want each and every one of you to have this same reaction to potato salad.  Next summer, when you’re sitting down on a park bench with your tub of potato salad you’ll whisper, “Solid Potato Salad,” curse Bridgett briefly, then sit back and let those Ross Sisters back-bend their way through the deepest recesses of your mind.  You are welcome.

Prepare yourself.  You’re going to watch this seventeen times and still not fully understand all that is happening.

I KNOW.  So just to recap: what do I remember most about my fleeting affair with high society and crystal champagne flutes?  Red shoes, gingham shorts, and the horrifying realization that the human body is a seriously freaky thing.

That, and I’m way taller than Glenn Close.


    1. Yeah that makes no sense. They don’t turn their heads around 360 degrees even once. What are you smoking.

      Hey are you done with that cross?

  1. Woefully underdressed. So you decided on the bedazzled tube top after all?

    The thing I’ve never really understood about this clip is the “Solid” part. What other kind of potato salad is there?

  2. While you were there schmoozing with James Earl Jones, I was watching him die on House. How weird is that. Did you even know that he was a harsh dictator? With that giggle, who could tell, but it’s true. Also; he was killed on the show, and TV is always real, so that must mean…

    That was zombie James Earl Jones.

    Elly, have you become a Jonezombie?

  3. I completely understand that video.
    Also, in addition to my request for James Earl Jones I sincerely hope you wheeled around to face Glen Close while screeching “I WON’T BE IGNORED DAN!”

  4. I still picture him as J.D. Salinger in Field of Dreams. Hey! Maybe we could kidnap him like in the book!

    Then we could stop in Hibbing and pick up Moonlight Graham.

    Solid Potato Salad. If you make it, he will come.

    1. Especially if I’m bent in half while making it. Mayonnaise is weird. And I’m not saying that just ’cause “towers of mayonnaise” is one of my top search queries this month.

      1. When I was a kid my sister told me a disgusting joke involving mayonnaise, an elf, and a large pimple. I was unable to eat mayonnaise again for almost 20 years. Even now I get sick just thinking about it. Kind of like how I won’t be ordering shrimp for quite some time.

  5. Wow. The girl from ‘The Grudge’ films could learn a thing or two from the Ross sisters. Added to the list of things I hope to never see again. Although, I must admit, I’d really like to have lived in their era when no one expected women’s bodies to look like twigs and rock solid abs weren’t something to aspire to.

    And as my mother so graciously reminds me “potatoes will make you pudgy.” I can only assume that this is also true for potato salad.

    In other news…you are one lucky girl. I’d probably sell a kidney to have been at that party.


  6. i thought the reason i didn’t like potato salad was mayo. but now i know it’s gingham and hay. besides there was an open bar at the plaza. this would leave little room for potato salad.

  7. Does it say something about Me or your blog that reading “freakishly bendy pig-tailed girls” had me expecting freakishly bendy girls with curly pig tail sticking out from their gingham’d behinds?!

    I’m going to guess Both.

    The Plaza AND James Earl Jones?! SWOON!

  8. JEJ’s voice is what makes Darth Vader adorable. Sigh.

    And that video! It’s much like any girl’s night out with me and my sisters. (I’m the talented one, of course.)

  9. You know what….fuck you. That wasn’t cool. I fucking love potato salad. Now, every fucking time, I am going to think solid potato salad (in a whisper). I will curse you indefinitely.

  10. HATE potato salad.
    LOVE James Earl Jones.
    LOVE that video clip. 17 times will surely not be enough. After I finish, I’m digging out White Christmas.

  11. Now every time I hear James Earl Jones I will think of freaky bending potato girls. That was way too disturbing for this early in the morning. Will now go chug the vanilla essence from the pantry to try and block the memory of three intertwined woman rolling out through a door.

  12. so more importantly besides *ahem* name dropping-
    *totally jealous*…
    were you drinking a chocolate martini while enjoying the potato salad?


  13. I really need to learn my lesson about watching videos on your blog. Luckily, I was pretty creeped out by potato salad before that…

  14. I, um, yeah… I got nothing. That video is, well, disturbing to say the least. Thanks for that Elly. No, really, THANKS! Cheers love!

  15. I hate being late to the damn potato salad party, especially when there was an open bar. Also, for the record, Glen Close is the same height as me.

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