Doing the ‘Do

The New 'Do
The New 'Do

Everything about getting your hair cut is seven zillion more times annoying when it’s short.  Blech.  I’ve got little teeny tiny hairs wreaking havoc inside my noes, ears…and bra.  Dead sexy.

So after having a slew of people fondling my follicles yesterday, I decided to go ahead and get this mop shaped.  I though perhaps if there was some sort of styling involved, people might think the short hair was on purpose and refrain from ruffling.  I had read that if you cut it a little closer, the patches of scalp are slightly less noticeable, too.  I’m all about smoke and mirrors.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

Of course I had to call my girls to check my logic before tempting the wrath of the haircut gods.  Gwen said just do it…how much hair was there really to lose?  Mom was adamantly against.  I didn’t get to hear all her reasonings though as she suddenly had to rescue a Texas cake from the oven.  So like any good daughter, I went anyway – to the cheapest, seediest place I could fine.  Sorry Mom.  A girl’s gotta do…

So as the lady was sudsing me up, she asked what kind of cut I wanted.  “I’m pretty open.  I just want it long enough I can still pull it back into a ponytail when it’s really hot.”

Blank stare.

Apparently I only amuse myself…but for the record, I crack my shit up.

So I mumbled something about wanting a cut that had a little more shape to it, and that might help disguise just how thin and patchy the hair is.  “Oh, I see.  It’s all falling out since you had the baby.”

Pardon?  I’m sharing my insecurities about my appearance and you’re going to tell me I look like I just had a baby?  Lord, where is my low-cal wine?!?

“Uh, no.  It all fell out with chemo.  This is what’s growing back in.”

More blank stares.  Then a huge grin crossed her face.

“I remember you!  You came in for the mohawk with your friends!  I’m so glad you aren’t dead!”

“Yes, well, that makes two of us.”

After that point, she was all helpful pointers and insights.  Now I haven’t researched this independently or verified her claims, but supposedly your hair will grow back thicker, faster, and stronger if you get it cut every month or so.  She cited her work with children as research, “When I cut off the baby hair, their hair is much thicker the next time they come in.”  Hell if she told me smearing mayonnaise and fresh mint on my head while wading into the Hudson on Tuesdays would get this mess to thicken up, I’d try it in a heartbeat.

But I have to say, I was pretty astounded there was that much hair to trim!  When I got up from my chair, there was almost as much hair as Simone sheds in a single day laying there on the linoleum.  At this rate, I’ll be able to front an 80’s metal band in no time!

But oh the tiny hairs.  It’s not this miserable when you cut off big ‘ol chunks of hair.  Apparently the smaller the hair, the sharper and itchier it becomes.  I feel like I’m being exfoliated by a Brillo pad.  If I was into the sensation of having having creepy invisible creatures climbing over every ince of my skin, I’d go camping.  I’m going to have to cave and shower in the hopes of escaping these little demons.  It’s unavoidable.  Sheesh, I just showered yesterday.  Talk about excessive sudsing.