Did I Miss Orientation?

I am the worst pregnant chick ever.

“How many weeks are you again?” my friend Gwen asked just the other day.

“I’m pretty sure I’m in the second trimester,” was the most specific answer I could give her.  Thank goodness I signed up for one of those newsletter thingies that reminds me once a week how pregnant I am.  I already forgot again but allegedly the parasite is the size of an apple.  So now my uterus is a soggy fruit bowl.  Awesome.

It’s a good thing I have friends that are dragging me through this despite my kicking and screaming.  My friend Danielle made me visit the maternity section at Macy’s after I spent the afternoon complaining about how I had a whole second set of boobs spilling over the top of my bra.  (You remember how much I like bra shopping, right?)

But Interwebz?  I let that sales woman feel me up, hand me a bra that looked more like a pair of helmets than clothing, and escort me to a dressing room.  And as soon as I strapped that foam filled tarp to my body, a choir of heavenly angels filled my ears and a ray of light shown down upon my fully contained rack.  It turns out they changed the CD in the sound system and a maintenance guy was replacing a bulb in the tract lighting, but still…it seemed damn special.

I walked out of the dressing room, pulled my shirt collar wide and asked the sales lady to reach on in and cut out the tags.  Sure the new bra had disturbing easy-access panels and only came in “old lady nude knee high brown,” but there was no way in hell I could bring myself to put back on my old bra.  And there was much rejoicing.  And I owe Danielle a margarita.  So do my tits.

Flush with my triumph, I decided maybe to branch into the world of maternity wear.  As I mentioned yesterday, my pant situation is rather dire.  But I just don’t understand maternity wear.  I mean, do you order the size you were before you got pregnant and just assume that because it’s maternity wear they’ve made some sort of adjustment for that?  Or do you guess what size you might be if you were trying to cram yourself into some non-maternity wear?  Or do they have some completely different, secret society sizing that you can’t understand unless you take a sacred oath and spend four weeks in a certification class?  AND WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE MAIL ORDER?!??!


So I went online and did the Old Navy thing because I’m a cheap…er…frugal gal.  I’d originally budgeted $70 for maternity wear over the course of the pregnancy and I’d already blown my entire wad on two bras.  Don’t ask me how I came up with $70 as a good budget.  In hindsight, I can see that’s kinda low.  But really, how much money do you want to blow on clothes you’re going to wear for all of 6 months of your life?  (Obviously the parasite will be wearing flour sacks until it’s fourteen.)  And no one really wants to find themselves saying, “Oh you like this dress?  I bought it when I was 8 months pregnant!  Can you believe it still fits?”

Long story still happening somehow, my Old Navy pants came and they fit just right all the way up to my thighs and then?  Acres of excess fabric.  Apparently I’m not THAT pregnant.

Somehow I thought the fabric would be stretchier or something so that I could wear them now.  But it isn’t.  These pants are built for the FULLY pregnant gal.  And there are no belt loops on the pants.  Because apparently pregnant chicks don’t wear belts.  (Note to self.)  And so these pants have a tendency to fall right down.  In public.  Which is just awesome.

I’ve tried tucking the stretchy belly area up under the band of my swanky new bras.  I’ve tried rolling the fabric down like yoga pants.  I’ve tried binder clips and duct tape and staples and animal sacrifices.  No dice.  I can hardly keep these damn pants on.  Do they make maternity suspenders?

Did I mention that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing?  Worst pregnant chick ever.

Oh speaking of things I space on, I forgot to tell you about the Sprocket stuff this week.  So if you need MORE reading material today, here’s some survival tips to survive being trapped in an elevator and a hard hitting news piece on a mob trial in Brooklyn.


      1. Oh, I’ll be armed – with my wit and shopping savvy.

        Also, sometimes they serve snacks. We like snacks.

  1. I think they should make specially armored pregnancy bras out of kevlar. Either that or all maternity tops should have the words DO NOT TOUCH MY BOOBS emblazoned across the front.

    I’m pretty sure that when I was in your delicate state I bought two pairs of Gap maternity jeans that I never did manage to fill out enough to keep them from falling down. I think I wore low-rise yoga pants and a biggish pair of button fly boy jeans with the top button held shut with a rubber band up until the very end.

  2. Yet more proof of the impractical nature of pants. I mean who invented them anyway? Which caveman walking around in a loincloth, and fur mumu said “You know what would be really cool? Stretching tight fabric over my legs and genitalia.” No, I am convinced that pants were brought to Earth by an alien race. Pants, and Rod Stewart.

    1. They were probably invented by a cave chick that was tired of having her man’s junk smack her in the face every time he lunged across her to stoke the fire.

  3. I still use binder clips and I’ve had all my reproductive organs shut down for ages now. Well, not ages, like four years of something like that.
    See? YOu aren’t the worst ever! I don’t even know how old my kids are.
    I did a lot of t-shirts and yoga pants like Elizabeth. It was great for sitting on the couch for the better part of ten years. Well, I sat there when I wasn’t busy GETTING pregnant.

  4. I hate shopping to begin with so, needless to say, having to buy maternity clothes went beyond my shopping tolerance level. I think I wore my husband’s old sweatpants right up until the end.

    Now if I could just get out of them.

  5. If I were shopping for maternity clothes, I would check to see if there are any 2nd-hand maternity boutiques to look in. Because you’re right — who wants to pay top dollar for clothes you’ll only wear a few short months?

    Also, I happen to be wearing old lady nude knee highs right now (along with my other clothes of course — I’m not leaving myself open to THAT particular comeback).

    Just want you to know that I feel judged. *wipes tear away*

  6. I would be even more clueless than you are. Seriously, I’m not the sort of person who’d get pregnant then read books on pregnancy and do research and stuff, I’d just let it do its thing and wear a lot of sweat pants then ask for a lot of drugs at the end. That’s all that’s necessary really. And I might give up wine and booze for 9 months to show willing.

    Also, as I am never having babies I have been drinking your share.

  7. Hang onto those maternity pants, because, believe it or not, they will eventually fit. Hell, you might even outgrow them before the incubation is through. Months 3-5 are the worst because regular clothes don’t fit but maternity are too big. Oh, I just remembered a picture of me when I was crazy pregnant. I am gonna email it to you. Prepare for nightmares. Bwahahahaha!

  8. Oh geez. Those were the days. The days where I was constantly half mooning the world. The best solution I came up with was anything with a stretchy waistband. My yoga pants were the best thing ever. Except for formal events…like leaving the house.

  9. I am at such a loss. I don’t know what to say except the idea of those suspenders kind of reminds me of clown pants. So maybe not the best look.

    See? Me=Helping you.


    1. Word is my feet are going to swell too…so obviously I’ll be needing clown shoes to augment the suspenders. Wait, you aren’t afraid of clowns, are you?

  10. You are lucky-those Old Navy pants totally would have fit me except through the leg part. I got pregnant and exploded, each and every time. Luckily it came off. A little bit repositioned but that is okay. And the boobs? Hope you are feeling good, Elly…the second trimester is supposed to be the sweet one.

  11. When I got pregnant for the first time back in the Stoneage, we were living in a primitive little town in the top of Australia with one maternity store. All it stocked were giant moo moos and kaftans. On reflection, the reason I didn’t glow may have been due to the fact I was dressed like Demis Roussos for 6mths.

    Will now go drink a bottle, to try and banish my Demis days, and make sure your share doesn’t go to waste.

  12. I bet pregnant women in the early 90’s had it made. I mean, with M.C. Hammer selling all of his pants and all…

  13. You know…just when I start to waiver on my steadfast opposition to reproduction, mummies-to-be start talking elastic waste bands and (old lady knee high brown)nursing bras and suddenly?

    Suddenly I just can’t stop staring at my La Perla collection.

    Then I reing a Spaniard.

    – B x

  14. Honestly, just buy a few maxi dresses and call it a day. Those things stretch out anyway, and since you’re pregnant, you can wear whatever you want, WHENEVER you want, wherever you want, because you are pregnant, dammnit.

    At least I think you should shout that whenever anyone gives you any flack.

  15. I have a stomach that expands when I eat (to the point of being asked if I’m pregnant and accused of lying) so I know that you need stretchy yoga pants, or leggings. It’s all about the stretch.

  16. Woman. I wish I had my maternity clothes to send you. Burned ’em.

    Ready for an info dump?

    Get one of these belly band things. Try Motherhood Maternity or Target. It’s like a tube top for pregnant bellies. Wear it over your unfastened regular pants. Or, do the rubber band/hair tie thorugh the button hole and over the button business to keep your unfastened pants kinda fastened. Dig?

    When the maternity dresses hit Old Navy, stock up. Or, like it was suggested above, buy maxi dresses and just go with it. Dresses and leggings. They make maternity leggings if you need those.

    Maternity pants don’t fit anyone properly. Ever. Even when you have a huge belly they will fall down.

    Good luck, sister suffragette.

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