Dick’ll Make You Forget to Uke

Due to a most unfortunate incident involving a large piece of foam, a utility knife, and one of my fretting fingers, there was no uke last week.  Or this week.  Maybe not next week either.  Typing has been a little tricky.  Also my reupholstering project is indefinitely on hold.

All the fingers on my right hand are just fine, though.  And I can still work a corkscrew.  *High five*

So instead of massacring another song, I’ll just tell you about my latest embarrassing problem.

It started when a friend of mine posted this video on facebook:

Oh sorry, I should have warned you not to watch that.  Because you’re probably going to have the same problem I’m having – randomly muttering, “Dick’ll make you slap some body,” and then giggling madly.

I can’t stop.  It’s fine at home.  Paul doesn’t seem to mind one bit.  But a girl gets some sketchy glances while hanging in the produce section of Whole Foods trying to wrangle a half-eaten avocado out of a kid’s mouth and scolding him with the words, “Dick’ll make you shoot somebody in the damn face,” before resuming a game of peek-a-boo with a pineapple.

A fellow I originally believed to be out of ear shot tripped when I sang to Paul, “Let’s head back to the meat wall…but I bet it’s not singin’ like that lady’s vaginal walls.”

I haven’t traumatized that many old ladies in a single shopping trip since that phase where I couldn’t hear the words “kielbasa sausage” without shouting, “Butt cheeks is warm!

It’s been weeks, people.  I should really be over this by now.  Especially since every time I say, “The penis is a heat-seeking missile,” Rocco shakes his head and mutters something about not being funny.  But it’s way too fun screaming into the phone, “DICK WAS GOOD!” when telemarketers call.

I dreamt last night I had to vote for Romney because he whipped out one of those lines during the debate.  I’m not sure it if was a nightmare or not seeing as how I woke up giggling.

So.  Just remember, dick’ll make you loose control.  And it’s MFBT.



  1. All I can tell you is that my next marathon sexcapade will include commentary about how I’m “getting into that groove, and rocking'”
    I’m going to have this woman narrate every single sex act I perform from now on.
    Do you still have all your fingers?

  2. You said all the fingers on your right hand were fine… OMIGOSH! What about the left? Do you still have all your fingers on your left hand. DON’T LEAVE US HANGING LIKE THIS!!!

    As for the video, yes you should have warned us. All I can say is I have to make damn sure my wife never sees this. As if she needs another excuse to hit me.

  3. I have a 12-year-old boy sense of humor. All I do is say “that’s what SHE said” in my head like 5 times a day.

    Clearly, there is a problem here.

  4. I must confess, everyone on Fort Knox has now seen this video…….and now people randomly walk by me and say things like…..heat seeking missile…….shoot somebody in the face…….rocking back and forth….just trying to get me to lose concentration while I am attempting to calm irate customers or work with the higher ranking officers. It’s not pretty.

  5. Can’t believe I only tripped on this blog post now!!! Boo that the video is blocked (copyright issue) but I still got the gist of it. Good think, come to think of it, that I didn’t watch it as I am already in trouble for my inappropriate Yankee ways of saying shit I shouldn’t be saying …


    Hope your finger is cured, not like my … oh nevermind.

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