Come On Ride the Train

It seems I’m developing a reputation.  Obviously it’s completely unfounded, but some of you seem to think I talk about lady bits quite a bit.  You should see the things Kelly says about little old me.  (By the by, nincompoop is one of my all time favorite words.)

It’s all lies, I tell you.  LIES.

I’m a pristine totem of purity.

Cue the heavenly chorus.

Can you tell who feels a little under the weather and sleep deprived this morning?  Yes.  I suppose you’re right.  Lindsay Lohan almost definitely feels that way, but I was talking about me that time.  That reminds me I need to get some prescriptions refilled.  Thanks, Lindsay.

Since Kelly brought up the subject already, can I tell you I actually heard someone refer to her vag as a “Choo Choo” the other day?  I have to say it again.  Choo Choo.  As in a choo choo train.

I’m so confused.  How does that even make sense?  Does her vag run on coal and emit smelly ash?  Does she use it to haul cargo across the country?  Do hobos sometimes ride that thing all night when they’ve got nowhere else to go?

Oh wait, that last one kinda worked.  Damn.  Heh.

Or maybe that’s the sound she makes when she’s coming into the station.

Maybe I should stop talking…

*dozes off briefly and drools on keyboard*

As I mentioned earlier, a friend of mine is currently trying to convince her boyfriend to stop referring to her flower of power as “The Clam.”  Normally, I love a good euphemism.  Pikachu, holy grail, kayak, muff, machu picchu –  really, I can roll with any of those.  (I meant the nicknames, ya big perv.)  But The Clam and Choo Choo?  Really?  That makes Skittles just shrivel up in disgust.

I can’t decide if I’m horrified, amused, or fascinated by all this new slang for vagina that’s suddenly up in my face.  (Heh.)  I’m going to go with “all of the above.”  Now I just have a slew of burning questions.

If you, like Kelly, have a hard time saying “vagina,” what do you call your pinnacle of pleasure?  For the straight men reading this (both of you), do you have a nickname for your girl’s treasure trove?  Ladies (and I use that term loosely), is there a name that when uttered will send you packing?  Are wedges really out of fashion again?  Do you think the hard boiled eggs from Easter are still safe to eat if I kept them in the fridge this whole time?

One last thought on pussies before I lose consciousness.  I’m going to have a hard time keeping this one off the pole.  Where can a girl score eight tiny matching pasties?

*Wakes up suddenly after head crashes into keyboard.  Wanders off in search of caffeine.*


  1. That is one adorable puddy tat.

    I’m partial to hoo-ha, myself. Mostly because it’s fun to say. But it depends on the context.

  2. I love to use obscure or made up words and phrases, so I submit a list:


    But sometimes you’re not referring to the apple of your eye and in those cases something else might be more appropriate like:


    Seriously though, couldn’t *anything* mean vagina? For example:

    Hey baby, how about we go upstairs and I put my (insert word for penis) into your fuzzy toaster?

    A sweeter proposal has never been uttered, am I right? (I’m not right)
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Commentpalooza =-.

      1. i need to interject here, because man-gina is that thing that happens when men tuck there junk in between their legs. nobody knows why they do this. it is also called “fruitcup.”
        you’re welcome.

  3. Here’s my least favourite terms. “Fur pie” — I mean, ewwwwww. And remember when lesbians used to called “carpet munchers”? How appetizing a term is “carpet,” now I ask you? It’s libelous, really.

    And Kelly’s right — you are a legend. A vulvalicious legend.
    .-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..Miracle at Tim Hortons (Part 2) =-.

    1. Finally! Now I know what to get tattooed on my wrist – “vulvalicious.” Maybe I’ll just add it as my title on my biz cards.

      1. If you put “vulvalicious” on your business cards, I’ll sign my emails “partial to hoo-ha”.

  4. My own cousin used “carpet muncher” and “muff diver” just the other day to describe a lady who may or may not have been a lesbian, so clearly those two are favorites among the inbred goofballs in my family.
    I like KYA’s idea that just about anything can be a “v”.
    Choo choo’s, fuzzy toasters, feather tents, velvet goldmines, hot liver in a vice, etc.
    The legend continues.
    I think everyone should collaborate and give a power point presentation at Blogher.

      1. Just in case you somehow WERE able to get that out of your head….HOT LIVER IN A VICE hot liver in a vice HOT liver IN a VICE.

        Kelly is clearly the legend. Kelly should probably write the Legend of the Hot Liver (in a vice) while she’s off on vacation.

        1. Let’s sit around the campfire and let me tell you the story of the person who started Hot Liver In a Vice.
          Once upon a time a warped, twister lonely guy gave someone I know some advice. It want like this.
          “Dude, if you are having a dry spell all you have to do is get a big hunk of liver, microwave until it’s hot, BUT NOT BURNING HOT, position your tableside vice at crotch level, cut liver in half adjust vice settings and go to town.”
          According to this person it feels “just like the real thing!”
          Try to get through the rest of your day without wanting to cry now. I have harbored the knowledge that another human being has had relations with hot liver for too long. Share in the horror with me:)
          .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Self Absorbed Nincompoop Starts Blog and is Stunned to Find No One Cares About Her Opinion =-.

  5. Hot Liver in a Vice……Kelly, WTF?? I don’t know what vagina you looked at to come up with that one, but clearly, it was not a textbook vagina. I spend hours every day researching porn sites for my blog, (that’s my story, STFU) and I have yet to run accross anything that looks anything like Hot Liver in a Vice!! That is hilarious!!!!!!

    My LEAST favorite was by some guy trying to be all romantic, who whispered to me, “Can I touch your inner sunshine?” When I was clearly confused, he had to give me a hand cue as to what the hell he was talking about.

    Dude, if the term you are using is so wrong that I, the queen of call it like it is and roll with it cannot understand what the hell you are talking about, you just lost your ride on this Choo Choo!!!!!
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..I’m Going To Have To Start Training For More Sex =-.

  6. Wow Choo choo and The clam (though the clam I can totally understand) As for me and my friends, we’re boring. Thus we either call our Vagina’s Va-Jay-Jay’s or Coochies. *sigh* Though my friend told me her 8 year old son referred to a womens vagina as a Garage. (The conversation went like this. Boy: Mommy is it true a man likes to sometimes park his car into a womans garage?” Mom: ” Uhhhh Yes.”)

    Wicked Shawn…Inner Sunshine?! I laughed so hard I almost cried.
    .-= Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..Mother’s Day Month? =-.

  7. Elly, what does it say about you that I read, “I’m a pristine totem of purity” and immediately anticipated the phallic jokes you’d be making about the word “totem”?

    I think “pristine totem” is a lovely euphemism for a virgin penis, don’t you?
    .-= Falling´s last blog ..Not Pictured: Gun Rack, Tiny Flaccid Penis =-.

  8. In the past hubby and I used the term “sleeping bag” nowadays I usually just use the term “vag” or “cooch” thanks to my kids….
    .-= Barb´s last blog ..workout update =-.

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