Chronic Explosions

Remember Friday how I told you about my long night of horrible nightmares set in my parent’s house and filled with bad sex with Ronnie from the Jersey Shore?  The good news is I’m not obsessed with him.  It turns out those dreams were fever induced.  The bad news is, I’m one sick girl.

And the fever is the least annoying part of it all.  I’ve enjoyed prepping for colonoscopies more than I enjoyed this weekend.  Hell, at least the colon prep process takes less than 24 hours.  Yes, three days later it’s still happening.  I made it through an entire jumbo pack of double roll toilet paper over the weekend, and so far there’s no signs of stopping.

In other news, Mildred has developed a fascination with all things toilet related.  Yes, the timing is stupendous.

Really these fevered dreams are getting out of control.  After watching (read: catching snippets between losing consciousness and sprinting for the bathroom) the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy and the VMA’s yesterday, the dreams just got nutso.  Can you imagine Lady Gaga, complete with her meat purse, as Gandalf?  Apparently I can.  I can also picture Snookie as Frodo and J-Wow as her steadfast Samwise Gamgee battling Taylor Swift as Gollum through the fires of Mordor.   Seriously, I’m exhausted…and also, maybe a nerd.

I did manage to climb out of the bathroom long enough to post a quick Craftastrophe.  I think somebody likes Barbie a little too much.  While you’re at it, check out his Christmas sweater (no that last link really isn’t safe for work).


  1. That’s one effed up dream. Hope you stop using the toilet so much to allow Mildred to resume her fascination without human interference.

  2. Awww…Mildred’s trying to help! Is she bringing you Tylenol and chicken soup and your new, unicorn snuggie?

    I’m so sorry you’re sick, Hon! Let me know if I can do anything for you! You know, if you can think of a way for me to be effective from HOUSTON!

  3. Ohgodohgodohgod, this just jogged my memory that I too have had bad sex dreams that featured Ronnie! Ahhh, I really could’ve gone with never remembering that! 🙁

    Now get better!

  4. finally an irreverent christmas sweater! i hate those damn things and people who make other people where them.

    hope you feel better snookie. i mean snookums. now i’m hallucinating who’s who, too.

  5. See I would have said Justin Beiber as Gollum, or perhaps Wormtongue (I believe that last one may leave me with the mark of the geek as well).

    Here’s hoping that you soon find a little cool relief for your burning ring of fire.

  6. I’m just throwing out the diagnosis…. Food Poisoning!! I was there. Lived to tell. That is all.

    Oh– kudos on your ability to write whilst belch! Feel better!

  7. I was wondering how I hadn’t heard from you about Ga Ga’s numerous edible wardrobe mix and matches, now I know that the terrifying man claw of intestinal distress reached out and snatched you away.
    I am so very sorry for you and your ass and whatever other orafices are misbehaving. DON’T run out of TP whatever you do. We were hunting around for leaves and scraps of old towel at one point over here in our post apocalyptic training sessions. It was ugly.
    Anyway, feel better

  8. Satan has hold of your soul and your gastro-intestinal tract. Repent!

    Can I interest you in some literature on gastro-intestinal discomfort and finding God?

    On the emergency scanner at work today, I heard an EMT reporting to the hospital that he was on the way with a patient who had diarrhea which, in the patient’s words, looked like coffee.

    Hope you read this in the morning! The best part of waking up …

    1. Fortunately I don’t drink coffee. Unfortunately, my husband does. And it bring him great joy to fill the sink each morning with discarded espresso grounds. Which I will now fish out with my hands. Awesome.

  9. awwww feel better…. I — USED to like Ronnie…..before he showed his true colors… how weird to dream you were dating him…just goes to show… dreams mean something totally alternate from reality! 😉

  10. Bug, hope you feel better. If all else fails, maybe a hot toddy – no not Hot Todd will help out. Orrrrr not. I love the sweater. Every year, we have a “find the ugliest Christmas sweater” party and that would be perfect. Awesome.

  11. Oh dude! Get better fast. Because those nightmare might land you in a psych ward. And seriously? No one wants to have the chronic explosion in a straight jacket.

  12. i had a VERY similar bathroom debacle that i went through recently. it lasted about a week and it was NOT pleasant in the least. i am just a WEE bit jealous of your feverish hallucinations tho. i did not get those and by about day 4 i would have welcomed ANY distraction from the waves of rumbling lower GI pains.
    i blame NJ.

  13. I am sorry that you have been sick. I am glad to know that you are finally out of the John… That sweater. Thanks for the warning because it took my aging eyes and brains a few seconds to catch “What is wrong in this picture?” OMG! Can you imagine wearing that to the office party? After you win the lottery so you can quit and never need to find a job again.

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