You know how sometimes someone makes some obscure off the cuff reference to something you’ve never heard of before that makes your head really hurt when you try and comprehend what they’ve said and then you’re all, “You made that up,” and they’re all, “Nu-uh it’s for realz,” and so you get on the internet and find out it’s real and your brain instantly implodes?
It definitely didn’t happen yesterday. Also, I never write run-on sentences or eat frozen cookie dough for breakfast.
Obviously the lack of sleep issue has yet to resolve itself.
…back at a really big footprint in the mud, a strange and somewhat confusing conversation with my husband yesterday led to me googling “rapture pet-sitting.” Yes folks. THAT is how I came to find Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA: The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World.
You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.
We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.
We are currently active in 22 states. Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.
We currently cover the following states: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, and Georgia.
Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable. For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.
Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [Please note: we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]
Thank you for your interest in Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. We hope we can help provide you with peace of mind.
Am I seriously the only one who’s never heard of this before? Granted, I’m a heathen so we don’t really cover The Rapture in our handbook (read: Us Weekly). I mean, based on the name alone (I repeat: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets) I would have assumed they offer a service to aid those whose pets become infected in the Zombie Apocalypse. I mean, which is more realistic? (Note: Mildred and Lucy are both enrolled in the Eternal Undead Plan already. I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t stick zombie cat heads in your mouth without some sort of special training.)
But let’s pause to focus on the bigger issue here. How can you cover llamas and camels but not alpacas? Aren’t they all basically they same thing? Am I the only one who can’t keep them straight? Then again, if a four-legged zombie animal was trying to eat my brains, I probably wouldn’t stop to look for a hump and attempt to determine it’s species. Probably.
I can’t help but notice that they don’t currently cover New Jersey or New York. Or zombie uprisings. I think I’ve found my new business venture! I’m hiring. Send your resumes and cover letters here.