Certified Atheists, Zombie Uprisings, and Your Pets

You know how sometimes someone makes some obscure off the cuff reference to something you’ve never heard of before that makes your head really hurt when you try and comprehend what they’ve said and then you’re all, “You made that up,” and they’re all, “Nu-uh it’s for realz,” and so you get on the internet and find out it’s real and your brain instantly implodes?

Me either.

It definitely didn’t happen yesterday.  Also, I never write run-on sentences or eat frozen cookie dough for breakfast.

Obviously the lack of sleep issue has yet to resolve itself.

…back at a really big footprint in the mud, a strange and somewhat confusing conversation with my husband yesterday led to me googling “rapture pet-sitting.”  Yes folks.  THAT is how I came to find Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA: The next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World.

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?   Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward.  Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

We are currently active in 22 states.  Our representatives have been screened to ensure that they are atheists, animal lovers, are moral / ethical with no criminal background, have the ability and desire to  rescue your pet and the means to retrieve them and ensure their care for your pet’s natural life.

We currently cover the following states: Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, and Georgia.

Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable. For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved.  Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

Unfortunately at this time we are not equipped to accommodate all species and must  limit our services to dogs, cats, birds, rabbits, and small caged mammals. [Please note:  we can now offer rescue services for horses, camels, llamas and donkeys in NH,VT, ID and MT ]

Thank you for your interest in Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. We hope we can help provide you with peace of mind.

*blink, blink*

Am I seriously the only one who’s never heard of this before?  Granted, I’m a heathen so we don’t really cover The Rapture in our handbook (read: Us Weekly).  I mean, based on the name alone (I repeat: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets) I would have assumed they offer a service to aid those whose pets become infected in the Zombie Apocalypse.  I mean, which is more realistic?  (Note: Mildred and Lucy are both enrolled in the Eternal Undead Plan already.  I’m pretty sure you shouldn’t stick zombie cat heads in your mouth without some sort of special training.)

But let’s pause to focus on the bigger issue here.  How can you cover llamas and camels but not alpacas?  Aren’t they all basically they same thing?  Am I the only one who can’t keep them straight?  Then again, if a four-legged zombie animal was trying to eat my brains, I probably wouldn’t stop to look for a hump and attempt to determine it’s species.  Probably.

I can’t help but notice that they don’t currently cover New Jersey or New York.  Or zombie uprisings.  I think I’ve found my new business venture!  I’m hiring.  Send your resumes and cover letters here.


  1. I have heard of this… read about it on the InterWebz a year or so ago, and it DOES seem like the perfect job for me. I can definitely cover my part of NJ. Maybe, though, they don’t cover NY/NJ because everyone who lives here is just going to be left behind. Hive of sin and villany and all that.

  2. There are six camelids. Bactrian, Dromedary, Vicuna, Alpaca, Guanaco and Llama. Bactrian, two humps. Dromedary, one hump. Alpaca, triangular ears. Llama, crescent ears. Vicuna, wild Alpaca. Guanaco, wild Llama. There. Now you know.

  3. Hot damn! Make it two of us. That so sounds like something you’d make up. Well not YOU, per se, but you know…you. In general. People. THEY!

    I’m a little perturbed I didn’t think of this as I am most certainly a dirty heathen atheist by nature and I also love animals and extorting money out of wary Christians looking to save their pets. Um…did I share too much?

    I’m going to start a similar thing. For only a meagre $100 a month, direct deposit only please, I will promise to save your blog from total obliteration during any rapture that may occur. Or second coming. Or rerun of American Idol. Only a hundred bucks, people. Another $20 a month for additional blogs. Email me! It’s a bargain.:)

    1. You’re a blog savior – brilliant! Did you book a booth for Blogher?

      So…are you going to leave your cheeky mouse to fend for himself?

  4. hire me – i’m a NJ aetheist who loves pets. but wait what’s the rapture? isn’t it that blondie song? so we watch pets while people go clubbing? can we call the franchise CBGB’s Pet Sitting?

    1. Our ad campaign is totally going to incorporate Fab Five Freddy. You’re brilliant. That cage of yours is doing great things for your brain.

  5. Uhmm.. a little confused here. Atheist and Jesus does not seem to belong in one sentence. I swear I saw this in a Tom Cruise movie. Ah, no worries, I am having my dog stuffed and using her as a foot stool. Oh come on she’s the right height!

    1. ….and snakes. Don’t forget the horrible snakes. Mostly because I don’t want them to escape their cages and eat my eyeballs. *shudder*

  6. Score one for Fluffy and Spot. Any group that is willing to dump their pets in favour of fluffing around in the clouds playing harps and saying “niki niki na na I got saved and you didn’t”, deserves to be fleeced.

    Bloody hell, your dog doesn’t judge you when you don’t brush your teeth for a week. They don’t judge you when you sneak out in the middle of the night and shovel a whole chocolate cake down your throat. They don’t even judge you when you get a poodle perm and sing the theme from Flashdance in your underwear. Surely they deserve to go to the big heavenly pet farm in the sky? Heaven hogging wankers.

    Lets face it all the best people are heathens and have a fondness for licking celebrities.

    1. I prefer to call it a “Kelly Mcgillis from Top Gun Perm” thank you very much. I don’t know how you found those photos but I’m locking my door tonight.

  7. Oh! I’ve seen this before. I loves it!

    Will you do the whole Mid-Atlantic? I don’t believe in the rapture as the fundamentalists preach, but I could be wrong.

    Just in case, I have a cat with a urinary problem and another one who is kind of a dick. I love them. Please take care of them.

  8. Ok, so it’s been quite a few years since I was dragged to Sunday School, but doesn’t everyone not caught up in the Rapture DIE? Who exactly will be around to save the pets?

    By their very suggestion they will be left, doesn’t this mean atheists started this business? They don’t believe in the Rapture anyway, but built a business around it. Umm, ok.

    Save the Zombies!

  9. Every time I read Rapture I keep thinking Raptor, Velociraptor. Don’t they eat every thing they see? Or at least peck out your eyes.

    Like I am going to pay 110 to have my dogs eyes sucked out of its head.

  10. I totally just wrote to them to see if they need a Floridian subcontractor. There’s an underserved market of easily bilked retirees down here. There, if I wasn’t qualified to stay home on the rapture before, see the proceeding sentence.

  11. Notice there aren’t facilities in Texas either, mostly because they’re not allowed in the state…as far as anyone knows. Anyway, how can you tell if someone’s really an atheist? Do word association? When I say “Holy” you say…. “Ghost!” Or do they search their wallets to make sure “In God We Trust” is blacked out of all their money? AND, what if your pet isn’t an atheist?! You’ve just spent $110 (or $140 for me) for an empty space at the Hotel Apocalypse for nothing! Personally I’m not worried. How can it be Heaven if there aren’t any pets there? Exactly. I win.

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