Caulk Blocked

Next time I tell y’all that I’m going to sell a book, sell an apartment, buy a house, and allow an alien fetus to take up residence in my spleenicular cavity SIMULTANEOUSLY, can one of you slap me?  In the face?  And maybe give me a mean, squinty-eyed, disapproving look at the same time?  But then comfort me with a glass of chocolate milk and my very own baby pygmy hippo?

In other news, I can’t stop playing with my caulk.

Don’t worry, there’s back story.  Last week we had our apartment inspected.  I must say, for a building that’s well over a hundred years old, we did pretty darn well.  The only to-do item that warranted a professional was the re-seating of our toilet.

Our one and only toilet.  In an apartment with a pregnant lady.  (Ok,  maybe not lady.  A pregnant chick, better?)   Who, as we recently documented, pees almost 2 gallons in a twenty-four hour period.

After the plumbers did their magic with wax seals and whatever incantations plumbers chant when making sacrifices to ancient plumbing, the older, shorter plumber left us with some words of wisdom.  “Yous can use da toilet in an hour or so, no prawblem.  Yous just need ta be a liddle gentle wid da caulk.”

Now see, I was under the impression that caulk dried in less time than a Michael Bay movie.  So I stopped consuming fluids and popped into Manhattan to catch the first performance of this year’s Broadway Cares’ Easter Bonnet Competition, figuring I’d use the theater’s toilet while mine was off limits.  (I’ll tell you about that fantastic event later.  Maybe even tomorrow.  Or maybe not.  You never know.  I’m an enigma, after all.  Or I have a short attention span.  One of  those things.  Hey!  I should bedazzle my bookbag this weekend!)

*chews thumbnail while trying to remember if bedazzler is in storage, watches seven hispanic guys unload a van full of lumber onto the sidewalk, wonders why Capital One has a boomerang in their logo, glances back down at now cold bagel and laptop, suddenly remembers unfinished post, scrolls up to reread title in hopes of getting back on track, distracted by flailing of supervisor hispanic guy after he spills orange juice on sheet of plywood*

So several hours later, still flush with the excitement of drag queens and glitter, I eagerly flopped onto my very own toilet and kicked off my shoes.  I noted with disappointment that the toilet still rocked.  So I peered down between my knees and saw the formerly pristine caulk all bubbly and uneven.  I gingerly touched the material and found it moist and malleable.

Is this starting to sound like the dialogue from a bad porn or what?  How’s your caulk?  It’s getting harder, but it’s not quite there.

After flushing, I knelt beside the toilet and re-smoothed out the caulk with my finger.  Touch my caulk. It felt like it had been applied minutes earlier instead of hours.  So I spent the rest of the evening pretending my toilet had been replaced by one from Madison Square Garden after a Phish concert and straddled the bowl rather than lower any of my weight onto the delicate caulk.

But this morning, still half-dazed from not sleep and with no recollection of yesterdays caulk blocking, I flopped onto the toilet and again felt the ominous rock.  Still wet!  My caulk can’t get hard!

Now I’m sitting in Panera, utilizing their bathroom facilities because I can’t stop fingering my caulk.

And if you come visit me today, try not to rock on my caulk.


  1. You know they make pills for that now?

    Just a word of caution though. You will have a sudden urge to sit in a bathtub and watch the sun set.

    TV is so educational.

  2. Awww! But rocking’s my favorite!

    Clearly your plumber’s caulk fluffer was out when they filled your hole.

    Also, don’t talk about caulk in front of the baby pygmy hippos. Weirds them out.

  3. You would love the day job where there is one toilet for ten people – good reason for me to run screaming from the building on my last day come Thursday.

    Also, you learn to massage your caulk, not just finger it. No wonder your caulk has a difficult time getting hard.

  4. We’re twinsies. Well, minus everything accept for our love of booze, our hot bodies and our encounters with caulk. I just recaulked my kitchen and good god I NEVER want to do that again.

  5. Easter Bonnet was indeed fabulous, wet hankies and all..

    Tree won the best bonnet design! WAY TO GO TREE!

  6. Yea yea, your caulk is still wet.


    Talk to me about these Hispanic workmen.

    Because that sounds way more interesting.

    – B x

  7. Realtor, here. Caulk is usually used to seal spaces to prevent water from getting in (think where the top of the tub meets the wall). Good caulk stays soft forever. After all, you don’t want it to get hard and crack and let moisture in. To seat a toilet, after replacing the wax seal, you could use grout or a toilet shim or caulk. But it’s not the caulk that seats it–that’s just for moisture. If it’s still wobbly, that’s something else. But I’m not a plumma, so shoot me. Anyway, I can’t tell if this answer sounds more like “Home Improvement” or a manual for vagina maintainence.

  8. If only I could get to your caulk I could solve this problem. I’ve got some hot liver in a vice that would stiffen it right up.
    I still think my husband was kidding about the person who told him that.
    I wish I had a computer. I need to retreat back to my hideout in the woods now.

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