Well it’s amazing just how much sunnier a girl’s disposition can get with two full pee jugs and a sales contract on her apartment behind her. That girl might even traipse around the house singing Kajagoogoo while eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. What? They have oatmeal in them.
For those of you that haven’t had enough caffeine yet, I’m the girl in the scenario. And I have the pee jugs to prove it.
Also? This happened pretty much overnight.
I can see exactly two trees from my apartment. The other one still looks dead and wrapped in a shroud of winter, but this little blooming guy seems to think the party has started and it’s time to put on flip flops. Man I hope he’s right. After seven months in shoes, my feet are starting to feel like Miley Cyrus’s leather legging bound crotch at the end of the European leg of her world tour.
Between yesterday’s accomplishments and the beautiful allergy factory across the street, my mood is so improved that I am able to almost completely block out the fact that there will soon be a third generation of little Rod Stewarts potentially defiling the musical landscape. Almost. *shudder*
And? I have an orange pen. When’s the last time you wrote in an orange pen? Now every piece of paper in my apartment has “Look! I’m Orange!” written in orange ink somewhere conspicuous. Which? It turns out is not something you should do on a legal document.
…and so concludes your real estate lesson for the day.
Of course Mercury is going to make this all super difficult, so I’m not going to count my newborn hedgehogs before they’ve burst forth from the womb all covered with spikes. Or the chicken, egg, hatch thing. Same diff.
So let’s focus on the joy that is my new orange pen. Did I mention it’s a ballpoint? So no matter how many times I sneeze all over it, the ink doesn’t run! Aren’t the scientific advances of mankind just mind boggling? I haven’t even tried the lime green one yet. Expect a 400 page dissertation on the joys of lime green ballpoint pens by the end of the week.
Look Interwebz, I can’t drink and I currently don’t own a single pair of pants that fit me. Well, maybe I do but they’re all in storage so who can say for sure. Regardless, my open invitations to watch me sit pant-less on my couch while serving fruit juices have thus far not been well received. So my social calendar is somewhat blank at the moment. I have to take excitement where I can find it. Which is apparently in orange, ballpoint pens. And unicorn pasties. But that’s a story for another day.
Today I’m just going to wait patiently for the sun. Even if I have to draw it myself with a bad ass orange pen.
Did you sell? FANTASTIC!
I want a lime green ballpoint pen right now.
Hedgehogs are equal parts adorable and terrifying.
What were those squeaking black shapes we saw in the water last night? Hedgerats? Muskhogs?
I love that the arrow points right to the tree!
Someday soon-ish, you’re going to really miss being able to sit pants-less on your couch by yourself. On the bright side, the fruit juice won’t go away.
At least the pasties still fit!
So now you have to move BEFORE the baby arrives? And who thought this was a good idea?
(and at first I thought you were bragging about your new orgasm pen. And that you were “writing” with it all over the house. I was momentarily impressed.)
What’s an orgasm pen? I want one!
Sounds like all is well in the universe! Happy for you!
Yay for: sales contract, orange pen, tree. Yikes on: hedgehog birthing.
I love pens, especially orange/pink/green/purple ballpoints. I also love that the arrow in that picture is pointing right at the tree. Just in case someone tries to take it out of context and thinks you’re rejoicing over that parking lot back there…booyah! Also, the general statement of nature surviving in the concrete jungle (again, BOOYAH!)
I like it when you say “booyah.”
Space Unicorn to the rescue!
ahhhh… nothing like doing business while doing your business (in a jug)… in hindsight, you should have rocked business socks during. Go for the Tri-fecta.
All I can think is, that poor hedgehog.
The problem is that there aren’t nearly enough orange pens in the world!! (-:
Besides this awful sinus headache that is either an infection caused by Spring or allergies caused by Spring, I LOVE SPRING.
I got one up on Spring this year and started taking my allergy meds last month. So HA! Spring! You won’t catch my nose dripping this season! But then I ended up with a sinus infection anyway, which left me snotting everywhere for a solid week. I give up.
Those baby hedgehogs? I love them! But I wouldn’t want to give birth to them. The hedgehog must have a vag of steal.
*sniffle* No decongestants for me or my swollen face.
When you get really bored, stick the pen in your belly button and see if you can write “Look! I’m Orange!” on the parasite, but it totally won’t be!
Well, unless you mess up and have to keep scribbling out your writing to redo. There’s no white out in utero!
This sounds just like the plot synopsis for the new Ridley Scott helmed prequel to Alien.
Except you’d have to use a cold gun metal grey colored pen. Cause, you know, the Alien is grey.
Orange pens are not as cool as purple pens, but pretty spectacular. The good news is your parasite will NOT be born with hedgehog quills, I can (almost) guarantee it.
My babies looked like hairy monkeys. I’m serious.
Hedgehog mothers must curse like sailors
Haha, yep, in a few months you’ll long for that couch and some peace. And the days when your lady lumps were up where they used to be. And not leaking. 🙂 HEE! Don’t you love when childless people get gleeful about pregancy? I’m such a beeyatch.
Orange pen though, that is impressive. I’m still using purple or green. Blue or black? BORING.
Congrats on the house sale thing!
I’m not sure I preciate you’re tone about mai new babe wit the hot latino you bitch my daddy gone pay for it and it’s gone be smart an reely bootiful and with like my dads hair and my grate figger and it’s daddy hot latin bod and it kin be model like me scroo you
ps ma daddy hot
congrats on getting some of that Del Toro. I’ve been waiting for him to mumble incoherently in my ear for ten years.
I hate your dad. The end. Also? Just between you and me…I’m quickly falling out of love with that Veg lady after her last comment.
I don’t know if you’re ever done it but I was half expecting a uke rendition of Annie’s “Tomorrow”.
I bought myself one of those fancy fountain pen style pens. Splurged. It was seven dollars. I feel pretty academic when I write my grocery list these days.
Apartment: congrats. Blooming Bradford pear: *shuddering* consolations. Miley Cyrus in leather & baby porcupines: eww. Orange pen: almost enough to balance the previously referenced atrocities. xo
Trees make me pay attention too.
And that’s no poppy cock either.
Squee! Yay for poppy cock!
Hearty congrats on the real estate victory, lovely one.
As for the coming Stewarts…
I have no words.
Just a litte bit of bile which has involuntarily leaped into my mouth.
((shivers and checks ipod battery))
– B x
The real estate gods have smiled on you. Now, go rescue Saint Real Estate. You don’t want to anger them. Maybe you can write him a nice thank you note in orange pen. While wearing the pasties.
I’ve been this far before. I ain’t banking on nutting until I hand them the keys and they hand me a check.
Yay for you! There is nothing in the world an orange pen (and a sales contract) can’t fix. Enjoy your pantless smudge-proof writing!
Sometimes I read too quick but I’m pretty sure you said you sit around serving fruit juices out of your crotch? I wish I could do that.
Speaking of unicorn pasties, there’s a special book with your name on it over at my booklist ths week. It’s a cop thriller. The bad guy is… wait for it… A UNICORN. Really.
omg… I just looked up from my laptop to see that the little girl on stage has BRIGHT ORANGE socks on… and I mean BRIGHT!!
I am swooning over your recent good fortune. And I am gagging over the thought of birthing anything with spikes all over its body. That is seriously worse than expelling a pill containing a camera and a bunch of tiny aliens who are operating it.
Comments are closed.