Bollywood Booty Shakin’

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but it’s cold.  I don’t enjoy the cold anymore than I enjoy Rod Stewart, but I also don’t enjoy hiding out in my apartment all day long and doing my best impression of limp broccoli.

That’s not true.  Sometimes I LOVE reveling in my funk and aggressively lounging.  Sadly, the allure wears off after two or three months.  Now I need to do something more energy intensive than high-impact eyebrow lifts.

“Um, Elly?  Don’t you live right across the street from a gym?”

Fuck off.  Gyms cause cancer.  Ok technically my gym probably didn’t CA– USE my cancer but that’s how I found the damn mass, so forgive me if I’m not looking to spend a whole mess of time with Jon Corzine and the other gym bunnies of ‘boken while trying to control my panicked breathing.  Besides, that place smells like the weird goat cheese-looking stuff that Rocco uses his pocket knife to dig out from underneath his toenails while watching Top Chef.

I’m eternally experimenting with indoor exercise activities while biding my time until the temperature approaches 50 again.  Most of the time I settle for jogging back and forth across the 10 ft expanse of my living room while watching episodes of NCIS or Saturday Night Live.  I like to think the gym bunnies are just as amused by my bobbing head bouncing from one window to another as I am when I watch them fall off the stairmaster.

Occasionally I mix it up and pull out the exercise ball, but that never ends well.  I either accidentally roll over the cat then break something fragile in the ensuing melee, or I remember how Mom and Dad use THEIR exercise ball and end up crying in the shower.

Torture In a DVD Case
Torture In a DVD Case

Yesterday, on my weekly trip to my favorite building in Hoboken, I discovered a section of exercise videos.  I bypassed the “Pilates for the Crazy Ambitious Fitness Freak” titles and selected a slightly less intimidating “The Bollywood Dance Workout.”  I mean who doesn’t want to “shimmy, shake, and play Bhangra Style?”

“What’s Bhangra Style?” you ask.  Shit.  I was hoping you would know.  As far as I can tell it involves being ridiculously beautiful while shimmying your hips with a chasemecumfuckme grin on your face and humping the camera guy with your eyes.  Oh, there’s a mess of hopping, too.

The screen fills with this crazy beautiful ashram-looking setting and three of the most painfully stunning women I’ve ever seen dressed in outfits the color of fruity soda pop and undulating their perfect abs.  Fuckers.

The music begins and it’s all BUNG cheeka chicka cheek BUNG cheeka chicka cheek BUNG cheeka chicka cheek with a little bit of BRINGGG diga diga diga BRINGGG diga diga diga and a dash of AHAH!!!! wee ooo AHAH!!!!

Did you get all that?  Here’s a snippet just in case you can’t imagine the music…or the crazy beautiful women.

You’re welcome.

Seriously, there were a few moments when I felt like I was watching a movie on Cinemax instead of an exercise video I rented from the public library. Despite feeling a little dirty, I actually found myself grinning and even laughing as I tried to spin in a circle while shaking my head and bouncing my shoulders to the beat.  I was slightly less amused when they added in the double-time hops and arm flings.

On a side note, I discovered that head flipping while floor humping is far less dramatic without four feet of luxurious curls cascading from the top of your perfectly formed head.  I was feeling all dejected until the instructor lady looked into the camera with her smoldering eyes and comforted me with a mellow hip shimmy.  I immediately forgot why I was annoyed and resumed tripping over my own feet.

It was all fine and good until I swear she said something to the effect of, “Now scoop your leg up behind your head then gracefully drop to the floor in a squat.”  Um, what?  A) is that even physically possible?  B) you know I’m about as graceful as a drunk newborn cow on ice, right?  C) did you just use the words graceful and squat in the same sentence?  It was all downhill from there.

Suffice it to say, the cat is hiding under the bed, I’m in a great deal of pain, and I still ended up in the shower crying.


  1. First off, you are the reason there are traces of soup on my keyboard now. (the crying in the shower part)

    Secondly, I do the beginning part of that video in my office chair all the time. Who knew all this chair-dancing was actual exercise?!? I’m going to put on some shameful 90s dance music and be fit as a fiddle, whatever that means, by nightfall, whatever that means.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..I Wish I Was a Bear =-.

  2. I’d much rather run over the cat with the yoga ball. Besides all that extra weight in my hind end is to keep warm in this hideous freezing weather.
    .-= nikki´s last blog ..Parenting =-.

  3. A)KeepingYouAwake- I’ve found a lttle good ol saranwrap goes along way to keeping the keyboard clear of foodstuffs.
    B)Did you tell Eilat about this video? You know she’s a bollywood nut.

    C)An excercise ball…reheheheally? Hmmm.

  4. OMG!!! I can’t possibly find my excercise ball fast enough!! I am so exicted…hell yeah!

    As for the video, just a dressed up version of the belly dancer video I was doing. Ugh. The stripper/chair dance video, that’s where it’s really at these days. 😉 If the libraries in KY carry them, surely they have them in Hoboken. If not, well, let’s just not even think about that.

    Erm, cooltoff, the saran wrap trick, I’ve heard of usng that, just hadn’t heard anybody say they were trying to keep food off the keyboard……hehehe….jk
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Girls Get Desperate, But Not Like THAT =-.

  5. Crying in the shower is an efficient use of time. And no one can tell. Because of the water, you know- tears, water, hard to tell the difference. I’m trying too hard to explain this.
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Betterment =-.

  6. Dearest Formerally Lovely Elly,

    I do hope you read this, as I am shaking, shaking, shaking and not in a Bollywood style. Reeling would be more accurate as I am still in a stunned state from yesterday’s post…you are offering up a gay brother to NPH, while I have been in line since Peggers stumbled upstate on her way to the gas kiln. WTH?

    1. That’s why I said ANOTHER gay brother. You totally have dibs on the first one, Pookie. I’d totally ditch NPH for you in a second. After all, NPH has never offered to embroider mushrooms on my jeans.

  7. Saris make every woman look sexy. Let me just put that out there. They hide FAT parts. We should all wear saris from now on. Great for travel too. Only thing is: you may need to bring someone in the know with you so you know how to properly tuck things in so you won’t have the whole damn think unravel in public!

    I am going to try the Bollywood workout!

    I have a BEAN in my house (Don’t ask…). Now I wonder whether that can work like an exercise ball…

    And speaking of Bollywood, have you seen this one?
    .-= submom´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: Eye? Aye! =-.

    1. I’m more than a little disturbed that the freaky sex acts of my parents are so inspiring to you people. (And by ‘you people’ I don’t mean Asians. I’m not those creepy cartoon Christmas card people, damnit. Though ps your little gravatar kinda has Asian eyes. Just saying. Crap, you’re going to break up with me now, aren’t you?)

      Sari about all that…

  8. OMG. Forgot to comment on “saran wrap coated keyboard”… Exactly what my first thought was when I first heard of waterproof keyboards… I thought of that too when I was watching the movie “Little Children”…
    .-= submom´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: Eye? Aye! =-.

  9. Trying to come up with something equally engaging and funny as this entire…I mean ENTIRE post was is proving very difficult for my pea brain.

    There is nothing sexy about the word squat. Either the doing or the saying of it. I also felt my neck go out with the floor humping, head flipping moment.

    I love the word hump.

  10. “What do you mean by YOU PEOPLE?!” Oh great. I need to go watch that clip from Tropic Thunder again. I need to work you know?!

    I am FINE with the black dots as eyes, esp. since the artist uses the same for all her characters. I was objecting to the creepy look! Don’t they look creepy to you too? I cannot dump you until you watch me eat sushi. Oh wait: you don’t remember what you said on your blog. Actually, do you even remember that you said you don’t remember what you said on your blog?
    .-= submom´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: Eye? Aye! =-.

    1. “I cannot dump you until you watch me eat sushi.” Then I can never watch you eat sushi. I’ll be blindfolded and drinking Saki.

      PS yes they were totally creepy, like the soul-less undead.

  11. @Submom – That bollywood video is hilarious!

    @Buggin – If you loop the video, does that count as just watching it once?

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