And that’s just about all the sadness I can take today. Let’s move on to happy, joyful things, shall we? Like…oh I dunno…how about barnacle schlongs?
While the Tuberous Bushcricket may have the biggest balls relative to body weight in the animal kingdom, the barnacle comes out the winner in the largest penis competition. “According to new research published in Marine Biology, the shape of barnacles’ penises varies depending on their circumstances. Barnacles spaced far apart from each other develop stretchier organs, the better for reaching across the gaps, and barnacles exposed to rough waves grow wider ones to stand up against the tide.” Some barnacles also develop stretchy, foldy penises, “like an accordion or a bendy straw.”
(FYI, there is actual video footage here. Thanks for that, Jess.) Do they cover this sort of educational material on Sesame Street? NO! Good thing you have me, Interwebz.
Speaking of stretchy, foldy penises, maybe that’s what the creator of today’s Craftastrophe was thinking of when they made this thing. How else would you reach it if it was mounted above your fireplace, right?
Seeing as how today is the single biggest day of the year for online shopping, can I suggest something to add to your gift list? (As if you could stop me, suckers.) As you’ve probably already guessed, it involves girlie bits and is somewhat inappropriate for work. As if that wasn’t enough to sell you, it’s for a good cause.
Yes folks, the Blogger Body Calendar is here. Did you hear me? Naked. Bloggers. On full-color, glossy paper.
I can’t wait to mark my birthday beneath a picture of Mary Mac and her muff(ette). I’m going to schedule all sorts of random appointments so I can gaze repeatedly at Sandy and her stallion. And Jenny? Well she’s the gift that keeps on giving. Ba dum bum. (Sorry, Jenny. That’s what you get for being December.)
That’s just three of the kayaks featured in the calendar. I know math isn’t my strong suit, but I’m pretty sure that means there are nine other foxy ladies with their own spreads.
Oh wait. I lied. There’s a dude, too. Jason is famous around the blogosphere for making barnacles and crickets feel insecure. Word to you, Jason.
The full list of nudists participating is here. (Yay Amy and Alison!) All the profits from the sale of these juicy calendars will be donated to the National Eating Disorders Association.
So just to recap, you could spend $18 for eleven pages of lady bits and a side of man meat while doing some good…or you could spend $46 for a wall-mounted vagina and forget everyone’s birthday. The choice is yours. Don’t make me slap you.
Yay nekkid bloggers!! Leslie would shirley approve. (Sorry. I know I will be overusing this in the near future…)
Anybody getting you one for Christmas? Let me know QUICK before I order one for you! Btw, how does one lobby to have certain bloggers included for 2012??!!
I’m sure they already have your stellar rack on the short list, foxy mama! Say, shouldn’t you be somewhere covered in honey right now?
There once was a barnacle from Nantucket.
Who’s penis was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin as he wiped off his chin,
“if my ear were Bushcricket I would f*ck it”
Why do I feel like I have found a new room beneath the basement of the internet?
I love you. Hold me.
OK, let’s spoon!
First off, barnacle orgy, creepy but memorizing. Leslie shirley would have loved it.
B, a big sloppy wet kiss for whoring my nakedness!!
Second, the Craftastrophe find puts Mary Mac’s muff to shame!
Loved your piece today, foxy. Big cartoon hearts for you.
Thanks, that means a lot to me <3
Ok, I’m marking my non-nudist-blogger calendar to buy a nudist-blogger calendar on payday!
Power to the barnacles! They make me think of NPH!
If you want me to edit yours with unicorn stickers, just say the word.
way to *spread* the body blogger word.
ya know, there’s a seafood restaurant near me called barnacle ben’s. named after the owner who i will never be able to look in the face again. well, why would i when i could catch a glimpse of bendy straw down below.
thanks for cheering me up with with all this muff and man meat talk!
I’m elbow deep in muff…talk…whenever you need a pick me up, pookie.
No one asked ME to pose naked. Should I be pissed about this?
But I do enjoy me some birthday suit time – be it man or woman style!
If you’d like to pose naked, I promise I’ll glue it into my own personal copy of the calendar. How about that?
Everyone in Canada is sad today. Leslie Nielsen may have made his career in the U.S., but he was the quintessential Canadian. The man’s father was a Mountie in the Yukon, for god’s sake. You don’t get more Canadian than that.
So we bloggers are not all supposed to be sending in our own calendars of ourselves naked? Man, how did I get so confused? I wonder how I can get back those 50 copies I sent out to various bloggers . . . . Awkward.
You’re never getting my copy back. That’s for DAMN sure.
The UPS man must have stolen MY copy. That’s why he looked so happy that day. Damn it!
Foldy penises, trophy vaginae, Marymac’s impressive boobage and helping out a charity. This is just the post that keeps on giving.
You’ve ruined the phrase “bendy straw” for me.
The Aunts are each getting a calender for Christmas. Those bitches have been complaining about my eaiting habits for months. How perfect is this gift? For realz!
Bendy straws, btw, not so bendy when ready for action, consider this today’s PSA.
Stretchy and foldy are not terms I would ever thought could be used to describe a penis. And bendy straw…what exactly do you suck through a bendy straw penis?
I’m with J, regarding not being asked to shed my clothes for a good cause. But of course I will be ordering this to afford myself twelve months of wonton literary nakedness.
Also, any kind of wall mounted vagina instantly brings me back to the pivotal scene in Poltergeist where the blissfully unaware mother leaves Carol Anne and Robbie in the bedroom after all those angry ghost shenanigans are apparently over ONLY to have the closet turn into a pink cavernous tunnel of fleshy death that tries to suck them RIGHT INTO THE LIGHT!!!
Sorry, I got all wrapped up in the intensity of the scene.
But always remember that wall vaginas = death.
Also, this sounds dirty…..
“and barnacles exposed to rough waves grow wider ones to stand up against the tide.â€
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