Best Movie Idea Ever

On a rare evening when both Rocco and I were at home, we stumbled upon Analyze That on the boob tube.  Every time De Niro made a snarky comment about bumping someone off, Rocco would turn to me, grinning widely as if to say, “Aren’t gangsters just the BEST?!?”  Then he’d bounce in his seat a little as he eagerly turned his attention back to the screen.  Somewhere around the fifteenth time, he actually smacked the arm of the chair as if to say, “Dag nabit I wish I could see a real life whacking just once!”

(Ok I might be exaggerating a bit, but only slightly.  At least once a week the guy asks me which Godfather movie I want to watch over dinner.  Mind you, we have dinner together once, maybe twice a week.  I think you get the picture.)

“Boys really love gangsters, don’t they,” I wondered aloud, more of an observation than a question.

“What’s not to love?” he responded, eager to watch a snitch get dropped off of a rooftop.

“As much as girls love vampires?” I persisted.

“At least as much, Fredo.”

How else did the Munsters afford that house?
How else did the Munsters afford that house?

So there you have it folks.  Somebody get me James Cameron’s phone number because I have found the greatest idea for a movie ever – Vampire Gangsters.  Mark my words, it will be the highest grossing movie in the history of movies.  There’s something for everyone.  Ok maybe I’ll throw in a cartoon dragon for the kids and THEN it will have something for everyone.

Go ahead.  Smack your head in frustration that you didn’t see this obvious bridge of the movie subject gender divide.  I call dibs.  Seriously James – CALL ME.

Really, vampires go together like peanut butter and chocolate, AC and DC, rum and tiny umbrellas.  Dig it – both gangsters and vampires do the bulk of their work at night.  They both wear a lot of suits.  (If you belong to the sparkly Twilight vampire camp, just remember that gangsters where those slick, shiny suits so no one would notice their glitter sheen.)  Maybe a vampire gangster couldn’t wear a gold cross, but there’s nothing that says they can’t pile on loads of gold chains and medallions featuring old school bad ass vampires like Nosferatu, Dracula, Lestat, and Sesame Street’s own – The Count.

(Shit, the garlic thing might be an issue.  I’ll need to consult with Stephanie for ways to ignore generally accepted vampire facts that directly conflict with my story.)

Both groups kill loads of people, but vampire gangsters would be less wasteful.  Instead of slapping some concrete shoes on a small time bookie and dropping him in the Hudson, the vangsters (gampires?) can simply have him over for dinner (with gravy and plasma filled cannolis) – 2 birds, one stone.  Odds of that type of hit going bad seem pretty low.

Rocco would have tolerated sitting through Twilight much better had Carmine and his gang been the other kind of family.  Let’s just move the Cullen family here to New Jersey.  Those wolves can live in Brooklyn and obviously Bella will live on the west side where she’ll sing “I Feel Pretty” in a dress shop.  Wait, I think I’m starting to mix my movie metaphors.

I think I’ve got the title already – Twiharded: The Cullens versus the Gambinos.

They’ll be a tender love story as well as some intense action scenes when the vampires of Staten Island move into Cullen territory to knock over a Blood Bank.  Maybe I’ll even write in a stripper faced with a terminal case of VD that can only be saved from certain death by becoming DUM, DUM, DUUUM (that was supposed to be ominous music, btw) one of the vangsters.  Eat your heart out Stephanie Meyer/ Shakespeare/ Anne Rice/ Bram Stoker.

I wonder if Demi would consider being a consultant on the project…


  1. I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest you call Christopher Nolan to pen the script and direct. You want your vampire gansters to have that dark brooding quality that is essential for dramatic tension.
    If you call Cameron you risk a cyborg or smurf cameo.
    Note to JAmes Cameron. Please do not send someone to put a cap in my ass for that comment. You are great but I heard you are real busy with Battle Angel Alita and Avatar 2 .
    .-= Kelly´s last blog ..Tranny Nanny =-.

  2. I love your vampster movie idea. I think you should go more old world style vampires and gangsters. More like Al Pacino. He would make a great vampster, with Sophia Loren at his side, they could reign over the family, like the Italians from the second Twilight, only not so fucking pale, cause let’s face it, no self respecting gangster, vamp or not, would ever get that pale. No way, not hap’nin. (like my Joysey accent there?) They could be like 2000 years old, the Adam and Lilith(if you don’t know, look her up) of vampsters. Just sayin.
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..WTF? WTH? What The What? =-.

  3. I don’t like gangster movies. There. I said it. Not even ones with vampires. But if you throw in some werewolves, I might be persuaded. Can you set it in the 20’s or 30’s? Because that’s when all the cool gangsters were alive. And can Nicolas Cage be in it? Because I love the way he always looks like he’s gonna cry. Maybe he can be the sweet vampster with a heart of gold that falls in love with the VD stripper?

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..18 and NOT pregnant…or the one in which Lu scares the crap out of me… =-.

  4. You should read the “Joe Pitt casebooks” series of books by Charlie Huston. It’s not too far off from your idea.

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