Bean A Long Time

I have Led Zepplin in my head.  It’s been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.  I like it when people have nouns for last names – like Plant, for example.  Beans are plants, FYI.  Who says this blog isn’t educational?

I’m sort of obsessed with the term “bean counters” these days.  I’ve never used it myself, but I seem to be hearing it a lot lately.  “Let’s see what the bean counters come up with,” or sometimes, “Ignore him, he’s just a bean counter.”

Last time I checked, beans were sold by weight, not number.  So why do they need to be counted?  As we say back home, that don’t make no sense.

Maybe bean counters are specialist brought in to deal with exotic beans…like the Mexican Jumping kind or the bean stalk growing kind.  I can’t imagine buying either of those by the pound.

If I had a bean counting firm, I’d hire someone named Frank so I could call it Frank & Beans, LTD.  That would be the best stationary ever.

When Christmas came around, I’d make coffee mugs for all my employees with the phrase “Bean there, done that!” painted on the side in big balloon letters.

I bet the nickname has something to do with coffee beans.  I hate coffee.  I hate coffee so much I won’t even eat coffee cake.  What possesses you people to drink that dirty brown water is a mystery to me.  But I find that mystery way less intriguing that the mystery of why we call accountants “bean counters.”

Maybe Boston is the accounting capital of the world…  Like I need another reason to hate Boston.

Hey, did you know I almost became and accountant?  No seriously.  I have a degree in it and everything.  I could have been a bean counter myself.  It kinda hurts my heart to thinking how close I came to having my Frank & Beans, LTD stationary.  Damn you, path less taken.  Damn you and your bean free ways.

Oh hell, I’ll just make up some Frank & Beans stationary on my computer.  That’s way better than having to account for any length of time.

This is what you get when you google "sexy balance sheet."

Sometimes I miss accounting, though.  Don’t tell, but I still swoon when I see a particularly foxy balance sheet.  And fine, I love saying EBITDA.  Come on, just try it.  Ebitda!  Heh.  Unless you’re a bean counter (and I mean that in the accountant sense at the moment), it’s pretty hard to work that into conversation.

If I had to go back to counting beans, I’d want to be assigned to counting Mr. Beans.  That doesn’t sound too hard.  I’d show up thirty minutes late to the office, fill my company mug with green tea (or Franzia) and set about my work for the day.  “Let’s see, there’s one…and my work is done.”  I’d be back home before lunch.  Which would be a big ol’ bowl of baked beans, of course.

I hate baked beans.  Almost as much as I hate coffee.  (For the record, that’s still less than I hate Rod Stewart but more than I hate Boston.)

And what the fuck is up with lima beans?  If they’re from Peru, which allegedly they are, shouldn’t they be pronounced with an e instead of an i sound?  I’m awful glad I don’t have to count them.  I’d be too busy with my campaign to teach correct bean name pronunciation in inner cities to stay focused on their quantities.

Bean counters.  Meh.  It doesn’t even sound fun.  I’d much prefer legume quantificator or produce enumerator.  But neither of those lend themselves to witty coffee mugs or stellar stationary.

Why do they call it stationary when it’s designed for mailing?  I mean, if I send a letter to my pen pal in Lichtenstein, the paper moves, right?  Is my head hurting anyone else?

Why yes, I still feel a little under the weather.  Why do you ask?


  1. These are the kind of questions that burn my pockets and set my ear-hairs aflame! You’re really onto something here, Elly-pants. In fact, I just experienced deja vu, which, of course, means something inside the Matrix has changed.

    Furthermore, my near-legume-quantifier, why is the average number between a set of numbers called average? That’s a bummer to its self-esteem. One team is formed for the “high” numbers and one for the “lower-blah” numbers and that one’s just in the middle. That’s mean.

    WHOA, I think I just figured out why they also call it the mean!!!

    1. I’m just sitting here with sparkle lights coming out of my eyes.
      I like beans, especially garbanzo ones.
      Sorry, I haven’t been able to concentrate since we all talked about tugging Stewie’s Junk. Promise I’ll come back later
      & leave a decent comment

        1. Oh were you using those? I tossed ’em. If you really need them, you can dig them out from underneath the coffee grounds and empty ketchup packets in the trash. Sorry, Crusty Nipples.

  2. Woo! I’ll have what you’re having!

    Whenever I think of frank & beans the zipper scene from “There’s Something About Mary…” springs to mind.

    You should still have the stationary made up only put a unicorn on it (the frank) with two balls on his head made of jelly beans (the beans).

    I know. I’m uber helpful. You don’t have to say it.

  3. Okay, your bean rant makes me think of two things:

    (1) Those gawd-awful bean-shaped figurines from the 70s that were called “human beans” and that had saccharine sayings on them like “You’re my favourite human bean!” *retch* Yeah, I had one.

    (2) The Monty Python sketch about the accountant who wants to change careers and become a lion tamer because accountancy is so dreadfully, dreadfully dull.

    1. You made up that Human Bean thing, didn’t you. I just spent ten minutes on google trying to find such a thing.

      I’m a Mildred tamer, does that count?

  4. I absolutely cannot believe you almost became an accountant. I mean, how unbelievably boring and un-Elly-like would that have been?? It would have sucked the soul right out of you. Don’t know what happened to change your path, but it proves the point that everything happens for a reason.

    I really only like refried beans and I’m pretty sure you can’t count those.


  5. Sorry you feel under the weather, dude, but if I may interject with my ginormous wisdom as to the cause of your malaise, I would have to tell you that it’s lack of baked beans and coffee that’s making you ill. Only someone who is slightly deranged would not adore baked beans or coffee. They’re two of my favourite things! Not at the same time or anything, I’m not a philistine, but on their own they’re quite sexy.

    I applaud Heinz and they’re baked beans with maple syrup concoction because although it might sound truly horrendous, it’s delicious.

    And coffee? Well that’s for people who like to ease into the day and procrastinate a lot. i.e., me.

    A ukulele playing accountant would be fun!!! Jump to it missy.

  6. I ♥ beans (cuz I’m a vegetarian) but I REALLY ♥♥♥ coffee (cuz I’m a mom and teacher?). And my company is Beans & Frank, just so you know. I think we can still be friends though.

  7. The first time I heard the term “bean counter” I was very young and yeah… I thought they were counting real beans. I was a very weird child.

  8. You could perfect the art of the sexy accountant. She’s like the repressed librarian with the glasses and the hair pulled tightly into a restrictive bun. Except after she unbinds her locks and throws down her spectacles, her shirt busts open and she says things like ” You are going to have to rethink that inaccurate declaration of taxable income”.
    And of course everyone would listen to her because her boobs would be so completely mesmerizing you couldn’t argue.

  9. You know I have thang for Excel. I get a high when I get to do a VLookUp. 😉

    And yes, it is always fun to say EBITA. AND when you talk about the ROI of EVERY fucking THING? People look at you like you are smart.

  10. I am constantly having to talk ROI, but I am way familiar with EBITDA and the correct pronunciation, and giggle internally when people just use the letters instead of saying it!! That is one of my faves. I also love, love, love lima beans, but I cannot get behind pronouncing them the same way as Lima, Peru. Can we still be friends?

    1. Yeah, but do you lean suggestively over your desk and lick your lips when you pronounce EBITDA correctly? Because you could probably get away with just saying the letters when you do it that way.
      Why can’t I get off this sex crazed bean counter shtick? It’s that Adam Ant video for Goody Two SHoes. I knew he’d continue to influence my life …..

  11. Wow. I don’t know whether to be turned on or to balance my checkbook. Which makes today not that different from every other day, I guess.

    If you do make that stationary, can I recommend you use printer toner from my friend’s company, Giant Squid, Inc?

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