Awkward Awards

This whole working thing is seriously kicking my ass.  Who know I was such a wus?  (That’s rhetorical.  Keep it down in the peanut gallery.)  I got home tonight, flopped on the couch, and proceeded to lay perfectly still (excluding the occasional whimper) for three solid hours.  I didn’t nap or anything.  I just had to hold the couch down long enough for my body to stop screaming.  This does not bode well for a triumphant return to the workforce, kiddies.

Hell, I was so tired I didn’t even peel off the pasties before diving headlong into my drool-a-thon.

Like I could fit pasties underneath these ridiculous bras.

I don’t suppose I can just end this post here, eh?

Oh hey, so a couple of beautiful bloggin’ bitches gave me awards!  Not recently.  Obviously.  You really don’t get awards for putting up videos of kittens.  Unless they also feature mentos and Whitney Houston.  (I don’t know what the hell I’m saying either.  I can’t imagine it’s going to get much better.  You should probably run away now.)

People like it when I say vagina, apparently.

First, Debra gave me the Best Blog Comments Award.  Interwebz, I don’t know if you know this about me, but sometimes I say inappropriate things.  I’m even less restrained on other people’s blogs than I am here.  Hell, I save all the really good Mom stories for the comment sections of the blogs she doesn’t read.  Oh Debra, Debra, Debra – you REALLY shouldn’t encourage me.  You have such nice, intelligent readers.  It’s like you WANT me to scare them off.

I’m supposed to bequeath this shiny award on those commenters that most make me happy.  Problem is, you guys are on FIRE lately.  Even if my brain was functioning at a level that could process an Us Weekly article, I still couldn’t pick my favorites.  (Well except maybe Kelly.  That zinger about a band selling her body to the local crack dealer really did make me want to skip with giddy joy.  Though I’m not even sure that counts since it wasn’t on this site.)  So I’m not going to.  Consider yourself awarded – all of you sick and glorious latex-wearing pony-humping freakazoids.

But wait there’s more!  Spot decided that I tell it like it is.  You hear that Rocco?  Mom?  Thom?  Spot never accuses me of exaggerating, or embellishing, or *cough* lying!!  Spot GETS me.  Then again, she might switch camps if I got her drunk and painstakingly recorded her every word and action for future publication.

Buggin Word~ Elly is honest. She’s also hilarious. If you think I’m funny, you haven’t read Elly. But be warned…there are no taboos on Elly’s blog so if you are offended don’t come running back, pointing fingers. But if you aren’t prudish and like to laugh so hard you nearly pee…go, read Elly.

I have taboos!  Saying anything nice about Rod Stewart is just not allowed.  I try to stay away from anything hemorrhoid related.  Oh and I won’t say, “that’s so gay.”  Unless I’m writing a post about Broadway Bares because that event really is pretty gay.

It should probably read "Honestly Crap."

I’m supposed to list seven tidbits you don’t know about me yet.  Let’s be honest – don’t I already share far more than you’d like me to?

Fine, but I’m not explaining any of them.  I don’t like feet touching feet.  I get grossed out by dog scrotums.  I eat the white pulp on the inside of orange rinds.  I get tongue cramps.  I horde sharpies.  I can burp on command.  I suck at croquet.

That was painful.  This award is a lot of work, Spot.  Remind me to get video of your upcoming drunken debauchery so I can get even.

*reviews rules again*

Ten?!?  I’m supposed to award this thing to ten other bloggers?  After I renamed it “honestly crap?”  Don’t hate me Spot but I’m going to cheat.  Just look at that blog roll over there on the right.  Not every one of them blogs under their real name, but they share some pretty raw emotions and embarrassing adventures with little or no reservations.  That’s why I lurv them.  (Extra props to Falling for her crazy birthing tales that have prompted me to schedule an appointment to have my tubes tied.)

Now I have to use what’s left of my mind to brainstorm story ideas for SexIs involving erotica or masturbation.  Feel free to inspire me so I don’t have to pepper Mom with questions this weekend.


  1. you so deserved the best commenter award!

    i horde sharpies, too. actually i horde all writing implements i like the feel of. i’ll cut a bitch that tries to take a favorite pen.

    what i’d really like to see regarding masturbation is a list of things you can rub yourself against and/or sit on without it being obvious that you’re self-pleasuring just a little bit.
    .-= patty punker´s last blog ..pause before you play, my ass =-.

    1. Pbltt. I hope not! Otherwise I’ll do it all the damn time. I’m compulsive like that. I NEED it to kick my ass. Hard. So far, so kicked.

  2. Okay, I’m telling myself you get tongue cramps from talking, nothing else (begone, that other vision in my brain).. And as no-one gives better comment than you, it’s only fitting you should be crowned for it. Hope the daily grind gets less painful, just focus on the money!

  3. Super Yay for drunken debauchery with Elly!! Drunken debauchery is my favorite, sober debauchery demands explanation.

    Tongue cramps really? That probably means you should exercise your tongue more. Or take potassium. You know, like for charley horses. Only in your tongue. Where was I going with this?

    And I’m not providing any inspiration because I so want to hear what your mom has to say about masturbation. For real. Because my mom swears she’s never done it. (No, I didn’t ask her, she volunteered this information in a room full of people, including my teens. Silly me, I thought she couldn’t get more embarrassing. Way to prove me so wrong mom!)

    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Vampires, cotton hoodies & holy water… =-.

  4. I’m sorry. I got all caught up in the WORKING thing that I lost focus for about 35 minutes. Thanks for sharing the love… but working? real work? you mean like work WORK? Like in an office?

    On another note. I see your facebook banner and I’m tempted. You really do love internetting, don’t you?
    .-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..Martha Watch =-.

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