This whole working thing is seriously kicking my ass. Who know I was such a wus? (That’s rhetorical. Keep it down in the peanut gallery.) I got home tonight, flopped on the couch, and proceeded to lay perfectly still (excluding the occasional whimper) for three solid hours. I didn’t nap or anything. I just had to hold the couch down long enough for my body to stop screaming. This does not bode well for a triumphant return to the workforce, kiddies.
Hell, I was so tired I didn’t even peel off the pasties before diving headlong into my drool-a-thon.
Like I could fit pasties underneath these ridiculous bras.
I don’t suppose I can just end this post here, eh?
Oh hey, so a couple of beautiful bloggin’ bitches gave me awards! Not recently. Obviously. You really don’t get awards for putting up videos of kittens. Unless they also feature mentos and Whitney Houston. (I don’t know what the hell I’m saying either. I can’t imagine it’s going to get much better. You should probably run away now.)
First, Debra gave me the Best Blog Comments Award. Interwebz, I don’t know if you know this about me, but sometimes I say inappropriate things. I’m even less restrained on other people’s blogs than I am here. Hell, I save all the really good Mom stories for the comment sections of the blogs she doesn’t read. Oh Debra, Debra, Debra – you REALLY shouldn’t encourage me. You have such nice, intelligent readers. It’s like you WANT me to scare them off.
I’m supposed to bequeath this shiny award on those commenters that most make me happy. Problem is, you guys are on FIRE lately. Even if my brain was functioning at a level that could process an Us Weekly article, I still couldn’t pick my favorites. (Well except maybe Kelly. That zinger about a band selling her body to the local crack dealer really did make me want to skip with giddy joy. Though I’m not even sure that counts since it wasn’t on this site.) So I’m not going to. Consider yourself awarded – all of you sick and glorious latex-wearing pony-humping freakazoids.
But wait there’s more! Spot decided that I tell it like it is. You hear that Rocco? Mom? Thom? Spot never accuses me of exaggerating, or embellishing, or *cough* lying!! Spot GETS me. Then again, she might switch camps if I got her drunk and painstakingly recorded her every word and action for future publication.
Buggin Word~ Elly is honest. She’s also hilarious. If you think I’m funny, you haven’t read Elly. But be warned…there are no taboos on Elly’s blog so if you are offended don’t come running back, pointing fingers. But if you aren’t prudish and like to laugh so hard you nearly pee…go, read Elly.
I have taboos! Saying anything nice about Rod Stewart is just not allowed. I try to stay away from anything hemorrhoid related. Oh and I won’t say, “that’s so gay.” Unless I’m writing a post about Broadway Bares because that event really is pretty gay.
I’m supposed to list seven tidbits you don’t know about me yet. Let’s be honest – don’t I already share far more than you’d like me to?
Fine, but I’m not explaining any of them. I don’t like feet touching feet. I get grossed out by dog scrotums. I eat the white pulp on the inside of orange rinds. I get tongue cramps. I horde sharpies. I can burp on command. I suck at croquet.
That was painful. This award is a lot of work, Spot. Remind me to get video of your upcoming drunken debauchery so I can get even.
*reviews rules again*
Ten?!? I’m supposed to award this thing to ten other bloggers? After I renamed it “honestly crap?” Don’t hate me Spot but I’m going to cheat. Just look at that blog roll over there on the right. Not every one of them blogs under their real name, but they share some pretty raw emotions and embarrassing adventures with little or no reservations. That’s why I lurv them. (Extra props to Falling for her crazy birthing tales that have prompted me to schedule an appointment to have my tubes tied.)
Now I have to use what’s left of my mind to brainstorm story ideas for SexIs involving erotica or masturbation. Feel free to inspire me so I don’t have to pepper Mom with questions this weekend.
For inspiration I like to start in the Beaver Hunt section of Hustler, then I try to find the picture they have of Sarah P. giving head…you know her mouth is always open…hold on
http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/3-invisible-dicks
I hope you didn’t alert me to this because then I will feel all silly.
I do hope you feel inspired.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Mongolian Death Worms and Shankings =-.
Just when I thought I couldn’t love you any more……….
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Wednesday Q & A =-.
And I love you more and more too in a totally creepy kind of way!
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Mongolian Death Worms and Shankings =-.
that link was priceless. thank you for that!
.-= patty punker´s last blog ..pause before you play, my ass =-.
That may have been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t mind me while I dry hump you for a bit.
I think you should just tell a very “touching” story about the first time you masturbated in front of another person.
Your welcome.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Wednesday Q & A =-.
I’m not sure I’m ready for all of that…
Dear Bug,
clap clap. No not that kind of clap. Well deserved award. Cause you are too freakin’ funny. I hope you get inspired soon. Crap, I was going to suggest a material and like a bad dress at prom night its gone. Fuck. I may be back if I remember it. If not, good luck.
.-= Virginia´s last blog ..Yeah I Vogued!!!… Post Glee and Californication =-.
Aww shucks, you’re too kind!
you so deserved the best commenter award!
i horde sharpies, too. actually i horde all writing implements i like the feel of. i’ll cut a bitch that tries to take a favorite pen.
what i’d really like to see regarding masturbation is a list of things you can rub yourself against and/or sit on without it being obvious that you’re self-pleasuring just a little bit.
.-= patty punker´s last blog ..pause before you play, my ass =-.
What like the industrial shredder in the office?
I love your comments on my blog, and your comments on comments on your own blog! Hope this “going back to work” thing gets easier for you as time goes on.
.-= Debra She Who Seeks´s last blog ..My Third Favourite Hurtin’ Song =-.
Pbltt. I hope not! Otherwise I’ll do it all the damn time. I’m compulsive like that. I NEED it to kick my ass. Hard. So far, so kicked.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! And I can’t believe you cheated in public!
“Feel free to inspire me so I don’t have to pepper Mom with questions this weekend.” LOL. BEST mention of MOM in any blog post.
.-= subWOW´s last blog ..Teaching Kids Simple Words: Part 1 =-.
It’s really not congratulation worthy, I promise. Just a little side thing to pay off Phillip and my US Treasury issued bras.
Okay, I’m telling myself you get tongue cramps from talking, nothing else (begone, that other vision in my brain).. And as no-one gives better comment than you, it’s only fitting you should be crowned for it. Hope the daily grind gets less painful, just focus on the money!
Super Yay for drunken debauchery with Elly!! Drunken debauchery is my favorite, sober debauchery demands explanation.
Tongue cramps really? That probably means you should exercise your tongue more. Or take potassium. You know, like for charley horses. Only in your tongue. Where was I going with this?
And I’m not providing any inspiration because I so want to hear what your mom has to say about masturbation. For real. Because my mom swears she’s never done it. (No, I didn’t ask her, she volunteered this information in a room full of people, including my teens. Silly me, I thought she couldn’t get more embarrassing. Way to prove me so wrong mom!)
♥Spot
.-= Spot´s last blog ..Vampires, cotton hoodies & holy water… =-.
You are THE best!!!!…even if you do suck at croquet -LOFL!!xoxooxoxo
I’m sorry. I got all caught up in the WORKING thing that I lost focus for about 35 minutes. Thanks for sharing the love… but working? real work? you mean like work WORK? Like in an office?
On another note. I see your facebook banner and I’m tempted. You really do love internetting, don’t you?
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..Martha Watch =-.
Excellent use of the verb “internet.” Martha will be impressed. Her favorite verb is “shank.”
Aw, thanks for the shout-out…of my procreation-destroying words.
Feel free to use my birth story as a jumping-off point for your erotica writing. What? I was naked, there was a shower involved…it’s totally the same thing.
.-= Falling´s last blog ..Possibly the First Time Brangelina Has Been Mentioned in a Treatise on Grief and Loss =-.
And don’t forget the hot tub!!