I’m not sure reading about the progress of my parasite is a good idea – especially considering the trouble I’m having with the whole sleep thing. The words, “Your baby’s heart finishes dividing into four chambers, and the valves start to form — as do her tiny teeth,” are not the words you want hammering inside your brain as you lay alone in the dark. Well not entirely alone, right? I mean, there’s still that whole alien life form incubating just north of my colon, plotting world domination with its ESP and its sharp, stabby fangs, right?
Hello! Did anybody else read Breaking Dawn?!? *lowers head between knees and waits for dizzy episode to pass, rethinks proximity of brain to vaginal opening and bolts back upright*
I went for my first vagina analyzer appointment last week. I guess I’ve been spoiled by the super funny and adorable Aloysius, because the poor bastard that probed me last week has no idea what to make of me. And I don’t think it’s just because of my horrible handwriting.
As he flipped through the paperwork I’d filled out in the waiting room, he kept asking me for clarifications. “Here, under ‘How often to you drink?’ does that say ‘Not currently?'”
“It sure does, Doctor Dude.”
“And what’s this other word beside it?”
I didn’t have to look. “Bummer,” I answered.
“Oh,” was his response.
Clearly I’m going to need to bring my own light-up applause sign for the next appointment.
I kept trying to make small talk while he arranged all his instruments, but he didn’t seem to have any opinions on weather or movies. Then he proceeded to whip out some R2D2 looking creature which he promptly smothered with a condom then shoved into my kayak. THAT’s when he decided it was time to chit chat. But instead of waving his hands around while he talked, he waved R2D2…while it was still inside my hooch.
“I just want to make sure the baby is in your uterus,” he explained.
Where the fuck else would it be? “Is it gonna end up in my spleen? Is this thing crawling already? Am I supposed to be paying attention to where it’s going? I thought all I had to do was adhere to the Adam Ant school of ethics, take vitamins, and avoid any wire hangers! The hell, Doctor Dude?”
He looked at me with confusion, then back to the screen. “Well, you aren’t having any symptoms to indicate an ectopic pregnancy so I don’t expect to find anything strange. Look, there it is. That’s the head and those are the arm buds. Cute, eh?”
“Cute? Arm buds are cute? You need to get out more. What exactly is the difference between arm buds and tentacles, just out of curiosity?”
This time he didn’t take his eyes of the screen. “Um, right. Those are the leg bu…um…those will be the legs.”
“How many heads does it have?”
I repeated my question. He still didn’t get it.
“Do you mean, are there twins?”
“No, but that’s a good question, too. I’ll just try and hush and let you do your thing.” I made a zipper pulling motion across my mouth.
He took his right hand off the keyboard to rub his temple. R2D2 moved to get a shot of my tonsils. “I only see one. And it only has one head.”
“So far….” he repeated. “No. What? I don’t really expect that to change.”
So to summarize, my parasite may have tentacles, but at least it’s only growing fangs in one head. Holy shit balls.