Are You Ready for Some…Er…Um

I watched football yesterday.  I was told I was rooting for the Packers, but then I saw that the other team was from Chicago.  My mom is from Chicago.  So of course I had to root for the Cubs.  Apparently they lost.  I, however, finished a very sexy Lord of the Ring puzzle featuring Gollum.  So the day was a win.  Except then there was a whole other football game.

Also?  Someone gave me these:

"Put Your Corn on a Magical Horn"

Yes, I’ve seen them before…but never in my tight little fist without a sales person eying me suspiciously.  I’m so excited I could piddle.  I can’t wait to use them.  Well, technically I already tried to use them.  Turns out they aren’t a very efficient means to eating creamed corn.

Oh you know what other exciting new arrivals came into my apartment this weekend?  Of course you don’t.  That was sort of a stupid question.  I think it’s the football hangover.  I’m still pretty upset about the Cubs’ loss.  And recently learning that I’m hosting a Super Bowl party.  And I don’t even know when the Super Bowl is happening.  And am I supposed to make a meal or just buy a LOT of corn chips?  Do I need to run out and get a tree, or a basket, or a row of candles, or build a shrine in the corner by the TV or what?  Sweet Mother of Massengil this is what happens when I get engrossed in a puzzle while Rocco drinks beer with a man who has to change jerseys between games so “WE can WIN this thing!”

Football.  *shakes head, stops, waits for vertigo to pass*  I don’t get it.

Back at the exciting and somewhat ridiculous purchases that Elly recently made, you guys remember what Friday is, don’t you?

So obviously I had to order some supplies, right?  Like this vintage, 24k gold-plated “Humdinger” for only $9.95.  It’s older than I am!

Arch Nemisis of Agent 00Kazoo

So decadent, am I right?  Or is it too much for your understated taste?  Would you prefer something a little earthier?  Something that says, “Hey man, I dig your golden kazoo but I’m classier than that.  I’m a (wo)man of the people.  I have a tribal tattoo and I’m not afraid to flaunt it at Bonnaroo?”

You know I bought one of those hippie kazoos, too.  I did it just for you, Interwebz.  Not because I have some weird insatiable need to fill my living space with small, comedic musical instruments.  Nope.  I’m selfless.  Just like Naomi Campbell.  Who, at first pass I would’ve guessed would prefer the gold-plated kazoo because…it’s…well it’s gold, right?  But having now held them both in my hands, I think she’d prefer this more understated number.  Because it’s heavier.  And would probably do more damage when hurled at an employee’s face.

Just Smell the Patchouli

This little gem is called the “Heartwood Hummer.”  Rocco keeps chanting its name and giggling.  Which sounds even funnier when he’s trying to play the damn thing.  But in reality, it has just about the sweetest tone ever.  Which makes me wonder why the hell people don’t play wooden kazoos at sporting events instead of those horrifying vulva-zuela-thingamajobbers.

Crap.  Do people play those things at the Super Bowl?  Aren’t they football related?

Send help.  And maybe corn chips.


  1. I could never recommend a Hippie Hummer, because of my grave concerns about Hippie Hygiene. If you must, I would suggest gargling with Lysol, before and afterwards.

    And I once knew a girl that could suck the gold plating off of Humdinger Hummer. Such wonderful memories…

  2. I don’t understand football either. Lots of giant men in really tight pants pounding each other (um…) and dancing funny. And why is it so popular anyway? Didn’t shoulder pads go out in like…1987?

    Kazoos are evil. I’ve said it before, it’s like being dive-bombed by horny wasps.

    1. I haven’t been dive bombed by horny Wasps since I stumbled into that Episcopalian Ladies Club BUNCO night. Ah memories…

  3. Oh my… are one funny gal today, my dear. As for the superbowl party – it will be filled with men…who don’t understand candles unless they are the kind that get lit in the bathroom to clear a stench, ya know? So…I say, chicken wings, soda, beer, chips, and maybe – if they’re good boys – something wrapped in bacon. I am just saying!!!

  4. Cubs. Well played, Elly, well played!

    The defeat sort of freed us on Feb 6 and also made it seem less stupid that our Chinese school has scheduled some celebration on that day. Well, you know, if it is true it is NOT a stereotype… (*a bit sarcastically* <–I have to add this for audit purpose)

    You just made Monday suck more 'cause now I cannot wait for Friday.

      1. Awww I didn’t mean to stress you out! With the Hard Wood Hummer, you are set! No pressure, sweetie. Just be yourself and blow on the hard wood, and you will be fantastic!

  5. I think you’re supposed to buy a cupcake cake that doesn’t look like a football so much as a post-genital-mutilation vulva.

    And definitely corn chips.

  6. The Superbowl is always played on some day in February when I’m working with a lot of people who are whining about working instead of watching the Superbowl. Which implies sometime in the beginning of the month?

    Corn chips and beer is all you need, I think. Some cheese food probably wouldn’t hurt, either.

    I like that the wooden kazoo comes labeled. That way you won’t forget what it’s called.

  7. i’m thinking if you put a screen and a block of hash in the gold humdinger you got yourself a pimpin hash pipe. also, i think we know what the party favors will be at your superbowl party. pass the corn chips.

  8. Okay, Super Bowl Party: All you need are industrial-sized bags of chips, pretzels, a shitload of pizza, beer, some kind of cookie-thing and antacids.

    You should be good.

    Also: I NEED those Unicorn corn holders, even though I don’t really eat corn.

  9. “Put your corn on a magical horn” — I just can’t stop saying that glorious phrase! The wonders of marketing.

    When my son was in 1st grade, they had a kazoo performance. Hilarious. They kazooed “Hail to the Chief” and other important historical songs. A whole class of little cuties on kazoos — I loved it.

  10. superbowl party = beer, soda, cheese, meat(aka pepperoni/bologna) chips, dip, pretzels, wings….

    plus anything else you want…

    so were you being sarcastic when you said cubs? *cough you mean* Bears!

    Go Packers!

  11. OMG, I love the idea of you running out for a tree!!


    p.s. I don’t know when the Super Bowl is, either, but sorry to hear that the Cubs are out of it. 🙂

  12. My Vegan Cupcake! Look at all the comments I had to read through to get to the end of this! Interestingly enough, I am well versed in all things football + selective hearing. #1 Get a tree. #2 Provide heavy cheese content… cheddar is all american, and beer is usually the drink of choice #3 Dance around the tree with the wooden kazoo when tempers run amuck. #4 Don’t ask questions. #5 consider leaving.

    1. Ok. Tree. That’s the first step. When I cut it down to fit in the apartment, I’ll use the extra wood to make surplus kazoos. I’m a hell of a whittler.

  13. The superbowl party I attended last year had one of these:

    It was pretty popular. I’m not sure how structural twinkies are, though, so you might have more luck with something more brick-like… say… rice krispie treats?

    For your information, the date is Feb 6th (yes, during fashion).
    The Packers are playing, so you should have cheese.

    1. I totally threw up in my mouth at the sight of that thing. But I still kinda want to try it. I want to make tiny furling flags out of fritos.

  14. Kazoo.

    Wood. Blow. Hummer.

    CLEARLY the winner.

    My mom knows nothing about football (I know a little bit), but has taken to trying to bond with her boyfriend by saying (during every single game), “Look at that tight end.”

    Rocco might appreciate that.

  15. I have a mouth organ.. or juice harp. I also have a genuine set of spoons- for playing spoons. Like a good french-canadian.

    Also, I am pleased to find that other grown ups do puzzles. I just completed a 1000 piece historical airplanes puzzle. It was pretty sweet and one sale at the book store.

    I covet the uni-CORNS. Get it? Oh.. that was the joke? It was the obvious joke? I see.

  16. Elly, can you bake bread? Because I need to win that lady sock monkey with the heaving breasts and one wayward zombie tooth that Hellachella is giving away.
    It has to be UGLY bread. The more hideous, the better.

  17. Vulva zuelas are football related, yes.

    But thankfully they’ve developed a cream for that now, so, you know…no worries.

    Also? Superbowl parties and cornchips? I am SO flipping homesick right now.

    – B x

  18. I was totally distracted by the uni-corn corn things, so I Googled them and the website said if I liked those, I would also like tiny little toilet plungers that hold up a cell phone at an angle on the table. This makes total sense if you like to eat corn on little daggers.

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