And Then I Knew Everything Would Be Alright with the World

With each pre-baby project we finish, I lose one more distraction to keep me from obsessing about the impending obliteration of my bits and that whole feeding-and-care-of-your-killer-newborn-overlord thing.  Not that I obsess.  Ever.  That’s totally not my personality.

*pauses to adjust welding goggles hanging from life-sized cardboard cutout of NPH*

But I’d be lying if I denied that I’d been fretting about how Mothersucking Boob Time was going to impact my hallowed (and LONG overdue) Motherfucking Booze Time.  But then?

Oh Interwebz…it was magical.  All those romantical scenes in movies and on tv where wondrous moments occur to the swelling of stringed instruments, soft lighting, and Barbara Walters filters?  Booshit.  This was more beautiful than anything Hollywood could dream up.

There we were, trapped in Baby Surplus Store Hell, bowed under unforgiving fluorescent lights at least twenty feet above our heads, scouring the sea of breast pump replacement parts.  I’d all but given up hope on finding the right connector and heaved a giant sigh of frustration.  The rush of wind caused a box immediately above the shelf I had just torn apart to dance upon it’s metal hook, begging me to pay it attention.

It seemed to be illuminated from within – like a magical unicorn horn.

A choir of angels descended from the fluorescent light-filled rafters and proceeded to dance the Humpty Hump in exultation of the momentous occasion.

Horns and bells echoed through the linoleum covered aisles.

Babies wept.   (But that probably happens a lot in Babies R Us.  Skip that one.)

….and then I knew that everything would be alright with the world.

And there was much rejoicing.

Now I gotta run – I need to research the hospital’s policy on kegs – STAT.




  1. Genius. Although the rule of thumb amongst the breastfeed-until-he-drives crew is if Mommy feels it, so does baby. So once the buzz wears off, you’re good to go.

  2. I usually went with the 2 full draining sessions before let the babe back on the boob. I never knew I could buy a test for it. I’d probably pee on it and mess it all up.

  3. Brilliant! I’ve been using the “don’t nurse when I’m tipsy rule” too, but I also tend to drink DURING nursing because the pediatrician told me that’s one of the best times to do so. Just don’t do it in public because people have a hard time minding their own business!

  4. Heh-heh-heh… You said breast, heaved and box all in the same paragraph.

    Where was I?

    Oh! What happens if the tests come back positive for alcohol? Seems like a terrible waste. But you may not want to re-drinking it. Methinks that would probably be counter productive.

      1. I just had a thought. What if THEY can use this against you. Maybe there’s some kind of breastfeeding police that come up to you while you’re breastfeeding and check your milk/alcohol levels. Like a breathalyzer for drunk drivers.

        A breastalyzer!

  5. As a fellow functional alcoholic, I too believed that the Milkscreen was sent from a magical place just for me and my drinking habit. And then, after my second or third use of aforementioned magic strips I actually realized they were the creation of the devil.

    Regardless of how much you’ve drank (1 light beer or 1 12 pack) those fucking strips turn brown and tell you that you’ve got tainted milk. The only time my milk was “Milkscreen Approved” was when I was stone cold sober…and incidentally angry.

    And so, it is with much experience under my belt that I tell you this – the magic secret of breastfeeding and still consuming alcoholic beverages:

    If you’re drunk, wait until your sober to feed your kid.

    Seriously, your body will metabolize the (TINY AMOUNTS) of alcohol that is in your breast milk as well as in your blood so no reason to pump and dump unless you’re on a bender. Drink, bottle feed, sober up, feed.

    You’re very welcome.

  6. OH and my nurses looked the other way when I had a beer next to my IV stand in the hospital. WHAT?! My kid was born on St Patty’s Day, what would you have done?

  7. They work too! My friend Tara and I loved playing with them after her baby was born.

    Drink up! Remember, Guiness helps your milk come in.

  8. As you know, you absolutely did the right thing for your baby. And just so you know, I quit drinking while my wife was pregnant. But once Paul’s out of your oven that kid’s on his own. In other words, it’s “motherfucking booze time!”

  9. I remember those days when I HAD to run to Babies R Us like every 3 days… *Shudder* I don’t go into any R US stores any more. Unless you open one called Booze R Us. Or maybe Vaginas R Us…

    You people nowadays have it so easy! When I was growing up we just had to wing it and hope the baby turned out ok…

  10. My lactation consultant (aka Boob Bobbling Stranger, beware, they will grab your shit and shove it in Capt. Elbows’s mouth because they like it, pervs) told if if you can feel it in your head, the booze is in the milk. Pump and dump and wait for an unbuzzed state to feed yo’ off spring. Or, start nursing and drink a beer (good for milk production, or nit, whatever) while you nurse. Baby will be all done with num mums and you can power down a tiny buzz that vanishes before the next feeding. Hopefully.

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