Continuing with this week’s theme of “Bad Decisions from Elly,” let me tell you about the food choices I’ve made in the past 36 hours:
- Tuesday dinner – buffalo wings and a pitcher of beer (As in, I’m pretty sure I drank an entire pitcher of beer myself)
- Wednesday breakfast – brownie and seventeen cups of green tea
- Wednesday lunch – a giant soup bowl full of brussels sprouts (Can you say, overcompensating?)
- Wednesday dinner – more beer and an Ethiopian communal-piles-of-spicy-brown-stuff special
- Thursday breakfast – brownie
I’m strongly considering eating some Indian for lunch just to see if I rocket myself across the Hudson River to avoid paying bus fare.
In other news, my stomach hurts. Go figure. Also, I didn’t really sleep much last night. But one of my friends did. In fact she had a dream about me. It’s so awesome I’m going to share it *waves at Brittany*:
You were selling bikinis you made out of bread you sprayed out of an aerosol can (like EZ Cheese) and painted with garlic butter. I bought one then the two of us clad in our garlic bread bikinis went to the pool for water polo practice, but they wouldn’t let us in the pool because of the garlic butter. They didn’t seem to care about the bread.
So of course I googled “garlic bread bikini” so I could make her a “thanks for dreaming of me in a non-sexual way because otherwise it would have been awkward” greeting card, and this happened:
For the record, if I was ever to wear a bikini in public, I’m pretty sure I would be wearing one of these pizza suits on top of it. Then I googled plain old “bread bikini” and found this thing:
Mmm. Dead sexy. No seriously, those things are like bones. Yes that’s probably the point but can’t I still be a little freaked out? Also? Add a tutu on that girl, douse her in blood, and you’ve got a pretty decent representation of my Black Swan nightmares.
So obviously you’re now holding your breath and hoping I’ll look for a “pizza bikini.” Don’t deny it Interwebz, I know all about your sick pony-humping-freakazoid ways. And I still love you. That’s why I went out in search of this. Man I’m good to you people.
See what happens when I sit down at a keyboard with nothing specific to say? Let’s make this post end as soon as possible, shall we? I’ll just leave you with more more visual that is (fortunately) completely unrelated.
I guess that’s what college boys do to pass time in Oklahoma.
And, go brussels sprouts, go brussels sprouts!
Just so long as those Oklahoma boys aren’t doing anything gross to my brussels sprouts.
Well wear the hell are you supposed to masturbate…in the fucking hallway?
And my husband sent me a video of a guy doing a tutorial on how to masturbate with a slice of pizza which I thought would tie up this entire post in a neat little package but Ebaums World took it down. Great art is always misinterpreted.
If you think about it, Pizza makes perfect sense: soft, squeezy, gooey, warm, and bendable. Brilliant idea!
I think the key pizza stroking success is to heat it in the microwave and not the toaster over. We want soggy here not crispy thin crusts.
Ugh, it’s the key TO and oven not over. sigh. I can’t even masturbate with a slice of pizza here properly.
I think there are better foods for that sort of behavior. I don’t know many guys who like working in the red sauce.
I am sort of interested in determining what the optimal masturbation food would be, Tom. Care to elaborate? Pie is so 2005.
Flesh melons. Preferably two large ones.
Wow. Just wow.
I left Elly speechless?
WOO HOO! I WIN! I’m the King of the Interwebz!!!!
Wow wow wee waa, as esteemed newsman Borat would say.
I feel that pizza box wearing dude got his inspiration from “Dick in a Box”. So, then I had to go watch that again.
Best use of time, EVER. That one and “mother lover” never get old.
Also, a little miffed as your blog appears to be eating my comments.
Can’t have you thinking I don’t love you, Els.
– B x
It probably just needs a quick swat with a riding crop. Rowr.
Re: Your beer and brussels sprouts addiction
Is your methane greenhouse gas production single-handedly causing an upsurge in global warming?
We should call it the Elly Effect.
Sadly, the Elly Effect is usually over powered by the Rocco Rumble.
GAH!!! Semen water flowing up your tub? *Puke* Dude….
Right? That’s just about the last thing you expect to find under your toe nail. Unless you’re dating a guy with a foot fetish I suppose. Never mind.
Ugh! I believe I’ll pass in the sausage pizza, thank you.
PS: Adding curry to that mix will definitely get you airborne.
Heh. Curry in a Hurry. For all your transportation needs.
your tenacity has won. you’ve finally done it. you’ve finally convinced me to stear clear of black swan.
also, is it wrong that i might really want to paint you in garlic butter.
*covers couch in tin foil, disrobes, lays flat* Whenever you’re ready.
I’m going to guess that’s a large sausage pizza! Hey, a girl can dream.
And wow, just WOW! No wait, just EW!
It could just be a small olive. You never know.
Thanks man, I’m always looking for new fashion ideas to wear to the office. 🙂 Those are awesome because not only would I look styling I’d have lunch on hand if I get nibbly.
At first read I thought that said “nipply.” Either work, really.
That guy’s nipples bother me.
Yes, I felt it necessary to scroll back up and look……at his nipples…not his abs….or the cut of his waist….nope, totally skipped over those. What? Stop giving me the *skeptical vagina face*.
I too spent another five minutes analyzing those nipples. Then his belly button winked at me. Pinky swears.
I don’t know what’s more disturbing, the fact that they are telling them not to masturbate in the shower, or that the notice came (heh) from the Housing and FOOD services…
Oh… and pizza guy up there? Sausage or Pepperoni? (did I just ask that question?) *head hits desk*
You know, there’s a cookbook just for you:
That’s just…. just…ughhhh. All I can say is todays Uke better be an effing masterpiece. 🙂
If you ask me, I’d rather people do it in the shower than in the pool, or in the bedroom which I have to clean…
To be fair, I wouldn’t want a mass of college students descending upon my apartment to do it in ANY area.
Suga’ you better be careful before you go from suck to blow! And speaking of blow… (wink) I like da pizza delivery guy’s uniform! But if that is Rocco’s 2011 Hall-o-hell costume, please tell me that you’ll put your Elly sparkle to decorating the pizza box. OOH! or maybe put a harness on the interior ‘occupant’ then dress it up in a little chef’s hat and coat and spring load a surprise at all who look. You could call it ‘Jack In The Box Pizza’ and… um, did I start running away with that idea?
Wow. I. Um. Wow.
That pizza guy pic reminds me of daughter #2’s Halloween costume @ college -“eggs over easy” which consisted of an empty egg carton as a hat- and lingerie as the “rest” of the “costume”. Luckily her father has yet to see the pics….
oh yeah- the year before she wore a nude colored tsnk top & lo cut jeans- with a sign around her neck and across her chest that said “censored”- in the pics she looked like she was topless….
no wonder I’m getting gray hairs *sigh*
Dude. Those are two of the best costumes EVER. I kinda wanna party with your daughter. Or at least pick her brain for more ideas. Also, I sorta wanna buy your husband a bottle of whiskey because WOW.
she’s maybe a size 2…..
and very pretty….
so I don’t sleep much….. 😉
Your bread bikini is scary, it looks like a body without skin and without blood, which I guess is better than with blood, but still scary.
I think technically it’s part of an art installation. I sort of got bored with the whole “reading” thing.
whoa, i can’t believe you posted a picture of my bread bikini. way to call me out….at least you didn’t include my head.
hmm….maybe i should have thought this lie through. i mean, i don’t have dark blonde hair. shit.
But you do have kaiser roll knees?
Obviously since the showers are off limits you are supposed to do over a candlelit pizza dinner!
Dear Residents of Walker Center 4th Floor,
There will be a circle jerk in the commons area at 7pm Monday evening. BYOT(bring your own tissues, for the freshmen) Latecomers will be mocked!
You win! Best comment! It’s official! You said “latecomers.” Heh.
Funny. I would think the ladies would prefer the latecomers.
I now have a new thing to do when I live out my “Penis for a Day” adventure (shhh, it’s all top secret military science). I will masturbate showers to see if I can’t back up an entire building’s drainage system.
Also, no pizza, thanks.
You need one of these: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7VER3Ol77o&feature=related
Another thing chicks don’t have to worry about: we leave no evidence in the shower.
My dorm didn’t have a detachable shower head. That’s a crime.
This just shows you that Google can be hours and hours of fun. Who needs porn or swimsuit catalogs? And thanks for the heads up about the U of Oklahoma. It is now being removed from consideration as my kid’s safety school.
I always knew those Okies had a naughty side.
I’ve been to Oklahoma, and I vacated as quickly as was humanly possible. But this puts a whole new light on the state. The new motto should be “Oklahoma: Forget the wind down the plain. Try semen down the drain.”
You are brilliant. That is all.
Comments are closed.