A Slap (or punch, or kick) in the Face

I look like I had some serious redneck lovin’, Interwebz.  My face is all swollen and I occasionally have to spit blood.  Seems my dentist found a fourth cavity when he dug out the first three.  Chemo is hell on the teeth, I tell ya.  I’m sure my affection for cheesecake is completely unrelated.

Also, I stopped by a holiday party last night and some guy told me, “You couldn’t be much older than forty-two.”  Now, no offense to anyone who’s forty-two, but you wouldn’t be too thrilled if someone thought you were fifty, now would you?  Shit now I’ve offended fifty year olds.  But for you fifty year olds, you wouldn’t like to be told you look fifty-eight, right?  Well shit.  This seems to be an endless cycle…

Rather than offend anyone else over the age of thirty, I’ll just go ahead and offend everyone of all ages with this lovely vagina PSA from Sarah Silverman.  Ta.  Dah.

But I’ve found a silver lining to that biting line from Mr. Kick-a-Girl-While-She’s-Down-or-at-the-very-least-Swollen Guy.  Next time I have a meeting where I need to look older and more experienced, I’m going to skip sleep and ask someone to punch me in the face.

Which reminds me of the time my little brother kicked out my front teeth while wearing cowboy boots.

No Thom, I don’t have any such meeting in the near future.  Don’t get your hopes up.


  1. I’m partial to minced virgin bits and a mixture of Helmans Mayo with avocado used as a weekly face mask applied with care. Don’t waste any, virgins are more difficult to come by than ever.
    Seriously with the 42?
    I was staring lovingly into that face for a whole weekend and it’s as fresh and soft as well wiped baby’s ass.
    That guy need spectacles. You don’t look a day over 22.

  2. 42 IS the meaning of life though, so maybe he was just saying you looked wise beyond your tinier years? Yes that was it. Or he’s dyslexic and meant 24. At least he didn’t say your swollen moonface (ha!) made you look like Rosie O’Donnell during a cake binge.

    Feel better Bigface!

    Gosh, I’m not coming over as sympathetic as I intended AT ALL am I?

    1. Is it weird that she’s going to have a talk show on Oprah’s new channel or is it just me? It’s probably me just being old and crotchety. Again.

  3. That is why I never try to guess a woman’s age. The last time I did & I guessed a nineteen year old to be in her late twenties… She almost cried.

  4. From watching the videos of you playing the Uke I would have guessed you to have just turned 30. You are adorable and beautiful! If that is what 42 is supposed to look like than I hope I am that hot when I get there 🙂

    LOVE Sarah Silverman – she is hilarious!

    HATE the dentist!! Just had to have three fillings last week and my mouth is still sore. You have my sympathy!

  5. Frozen peas! The dentist did not provide you with the over the head pouches that you can put frozen peas inside?! And to think that he drugged you and put stuff in your mouth and then pulled out not just 3 times but 4! Asshole.

    You should have started crying. That would have taught that guy a reason!

    Rule #1: Never guess a woman’s age. Even IF she asks you too. (Srly, I hate women that do that. DON’T Tempt the fate ladies!)

    Rule #2: No woman is pregnant until proven otherwise.

    1. By “reason” I mean “lesson”. Lessons don’t necessarily have reason inside: e.g. when you shank his knee caps. No reason necessary.

  6. How rude.

    Although being thought to be younger isn’t the best either. Although I’d prefer to stay 34 forever. Oh, I don’t know.

    1. Seriously. There’s no winning, right? I was just as upset when a woman in a business meeting asked me if I was twelve – though that was probably 5 years ago. So if you’re doing math, that means I look like I’ve aged thirty years in a mere five years. Lemme see if I can bottle this shit.

  7. Wait just a darn minute…how old ARE you? I was thinking late 20’s. Am I blind? Have you discovered the fountain of youth?

    I am off by a lot of years…

  8. Oh I feel your pain. Students often guess my age. I give them extra credit when they kindly guess younger than my actual years. But when they ask sweetly if I’m pregnant and I’m not? That’s grounds for detention there.

  9. WTF? so I look 59? That blows! I think you need to get your hands on a tazor gun- you had justification to use it on that guy! Once you get it- zap him for me too!

  10. Are you kidding? 25 is more like it– at least that’s what I thought when in first saw you and started planning my evil she looks younger than me revenge plot… Yet to be revised past laugh lines… Which are totally making me look 42.. not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    Only the jealous age you unnecessarily, and I say that without pursing my lips to avoid chruch lady hate lines. I know because I’m older.

  11. Ugh! Never Guess a Woman’s Age For Dummies-it’s on sale everywhere people. …Or maybe it was another book I threw at him…

    Ah, my age, who remembers anything.

  12. Toothless is the new smexy… you didn’t know that?? LOL to SS’s PSAs.
    I had a friend once who had her front teeth kicked out by a horse, and by friend I mean Sara Wright. Could be part of my reason I fear horses.

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