A Literal Pain in the Ass

You know what really chafes my ass?  Hemorrhoids.

I’m naming this one Artemis.  I’d estimate he’s about the size of a semi truck.  I know, I know the God was a chick, but it’s my hemorrhoid and I’ll decide what his gender is.  And HE is a total dick.  Ergo…

Of course, all the over-the-counter stuff used to treat these flaming balls of agony says “Do not use while pregnant.”  So I suppose you can add a mark to the cancer column on our “pregnancy vs cancer” comparison chart.  At least when I’d get them during chemo, I could turn to pharmaceuticals for help.  The only thing I can find at this point is witch hazel.

And here’s an important fact for those of you that lack a vast knowledge of all things witch hazel.  No matter how much it might look like rubbing alcohol, smell like rubbing alcohol, taste…no I didn’t try that (wrong kind of alcohol) – they are NOT the same thing.

So one really should never, ever, EVER set them on the same shelf of the poorly lit medicine cabinet and try to apply some while in a hurried, sleep-deprived state.

Because then one might have to explain to her husband (when he rushes in at the sounds of her screaming, “Bring the fire extinguisher!”) why she’s crouched in front of the bathroom sink with her ginormous target panties stretched between her ankles, fanning her crotch with one hand and flinging handfuls of water onto her *ahem* region with the other while muttering, “Now I know why it’s called witch hazel – fuckers.”

Then one might need to spend the next several hours horizontal, limiting any movement to only occasional moans of agony.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

One might instead choose to store the rubbing alcohol in another place entirely – like a basement den of torture, for example.  Also, one might not be able to sit in this desk chair any longer.  Again, hypothetically speaking.  *whimper*


  1. Hemorrhoids: Further proof that pregnant woman should be honored and obeyed no matter WHAT.

    I mean, hemorrhoids are no. JOKE.

  2. I agree with J! It’s amazing how many new and torturous things each new month of pregnancy brings. Sick of morning sickness? Welcome to the land of crazy heartburn that makes you cry it hurts so much. Tired of that terrible heartburn? Fine, we’ll replace it with raging hemorrhoids!

  3. My dear, go find a Whole Foods or some other such health food store and find the little miracle suppositories called AVENOC. Order them online if you have to. It only says to ASK your doctor first if you are pregnant, nothing about being forbidden.

    Plus that stuff works better than any other tricks I’ve tried. I’ve never had hemorrhoids from having a human being holding a kickboxing class in my uterus though, so I can only hope it works for you.

  4. My buttocks are clenched in sympathy.

    Can you buy Tucks Wipes in the States? They are soft, round wipes impregnated (so to speak) with witch hazel, so you can just use them right from the container. Very helpful. Yes, I speak from experience.

  5. It’s time to summon up some roid rage and destroy that thing. I know that’s rich coming from someone who refused to eat anything non organic and neglected to color my hair for nine months at a stretch but I remember the agony.
    And while I’ve never put rubbing alcohol on my anus it once accidentally found it’s way upstream to other waters where the burn while not life altering was something to really think twice about.

  6. I think you just found the female equivalent to when men get kicked in the balls and all males in the vicinity heave a collective groan of pain. I might be in a clinched position for the rest of the evening. I hope you are quick to be on the mend!

  7. OMG how do I love thee? Let me count the ways? I just let Drama Queen read this. At least 2 more sex free years from one blog! Your Artemis misery was not in vain(hehe, a pun, yea, I know)!!!

  8. I swear I didn’t laugh. Much. 🙂 Haha! Sorry dude. Man, for something ‘natural’ pregnancy sure doesn’t sound fun.

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