So January. That didn’t last very long, did it? Now here it is mid February already and I haven’t visited here since New Years.
I’ve been working furiously on THE BOOK. It’s a long story, and one I should probably tell you someday soon, but I’m adding a Part II. I thought I’d already said everything I had to say about cancer, but it turns out that fucker threw a LOT of shade on my pregnancy and parenting. So I’ve decided THE BOOK isn’t finished, after all. And I’m fairly consumed with remedying that.
But that’s not really what I wanted to tell you today.
Do you remember when I wrote about this man? I wrote about him quite a bit. He’s in the book.
And as you also may remember, he died. It happened when I was seven months pregnant with Paul. And it was…hard. Emotional. Humbling. Crippling. While I desperately wanted to attend his memorial, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s a decision I’ve always…well I feel like I let him down some how by not going, like I didn’t honor his memory. Since then, I’ve felt like I needed to carry him with me, a witness to his existence.
So, like all the hard things, I knew I needed to write about it, write about him again. He will make another appearance in THE BOOK.
I started that chapter today. Started writing about how it felt when I heard he was gone. Started thinking again about that dinner, his emaciated frame, his huge jaw, and the lumps that protruded from his thin neck below.
So I reread the first chapter, trying to put myself back in that moment. Back at that table. Back in that impossibly difficult position.
I didn’t use his real name when I wrote the chapter. I won’t tell you his real name now. It’s not mine to give.
But imagine my surprise when I realized I’d given him the same name I gave to my second born, a full year before I’d even conceived his older brother.
Oh, now this is just lovely. Thank you for sharing, this has been the highlight of my Friday evening. Well, this and the cocktails.
Mmmm. That’s a splendid idea. I think I’ll join you.
With every glimpse I get into your life, your personality, your heart, I fall for you a little bit harder.
Oh good. Because if it’s reciprocal, you probably won’t take out a restraining order on me.
I love this. I’m a firm believer in no coincidences.
It makes the pulse quicken, right? It also makes my head hurt a little. But, I *think* it’s in the good way.
I’m a firm believer in the the redemptive power of Sam. You get a Sam when it’s time to wrap things up, to make a change, to shift your systems. Sam’s shake things up and then they give you a big hug. Sam’s, with their big fists, hard to follow logic and warm hugs. Always first, never boring. Sam’s change the world;)
You’re beauty. You just are.
Also? I like grammatical atrocities! So my last comment really brought my inner composition 101 professor to his knees.
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