What I’m Pretty Sure Was a Hallucination

It turns out that it’s almost as exhausting to attend a conference as it is to plan one – though both are probably equally hard on the liver.

I’m still a little overwhelmed.  My desk is covered with a stack of random fliers, five different coffee mugs, a sparkly stuffed unicorn, four vibrators, and 497 business cards.  It’s going to take me a while to dig back out from under this mess.

Before I go any further, let me state for the record that I love mommy bloggers.  What I’m about to say isn’t a slam to those beautiful women.  But it was a wee bit strange to attend BlogHer as a non-mommy blogger.  I’m clearly not their target demo.  I mean, there was a “Lactation Lounge” for the love of God.

There were sponsors everywhere.  I swear you couldn’t make it two feet before someone stopped you to ask how you define playtime or if you made your own baby food.  Each and every time I watched as their faces froze and their eyes glazed over when I said I didn’t have kids.  Instantly they futzed with their watches or pulled out their cell phones.  If I ever go again, I’m going to wear a tee that says, “My uterus does not have an occupancy permit,” so I can skip all those awkward moments.

AVapidBlonde was my first bloggin’ buddy to show up.  We spent the morning of Day One roaming the halls and trying to get our bearings.  We stumbled across a table of covered with orange pieces of paper and fat magic markers.  After an epic brainstorm on our part, we managed to determine the papers were for a “Birds of a Feather” session later that afternoon.  We paused to read the possible topics: Mommy Bloggers, Daddy Bloggers, Bloggers Who Write About Fashion, Frugal Bloggers, Bloggers Interested in Travel, and (my personal favorite) Lactivists.

Not surprisingly, neither Vapid nor I fell into any of those categories.  I spotted an unclaimed piece of paper, grabbed a marker and set about my work.  Carefully, in my neatest handwriting I wrote, “Birds of a Feather: Bloggers Who Drink Too Much and Lack Focus.”  Vapid and I of course signed up, then flitted off in search of caffeine.

Really. I have proof.

A mere twenty minutes later, I walked back by the table to find our sign-up sheet covered with names.  I texted Vapid.  She didn’t believe me.  Hell, I didn’t believe me either.

As I sat through a decidedly disappointing session, I hopped onto Twitter.  People were tweeting me that we were in the same “Bird of a Feather” group.  Shit.  I noticed my boobs were suddenly sweating despite the arctic chill in the conference room.

As soon as the session ended, I headed straight for the sign-up sheets.  I sighed with relief when I saw the sheet hadn’t changed…oh…except for the addition of the word “more” in the lower, right hand corner, enclosed in a thick black circle of ink.  Hesitantly, I flipped the sheet over.  There, in organized rows, the lines of additional names mocked me.  Doh.

@bugginword @prgraffiti @ lunch today. bloggers who only writ... on Twitpic
Photo by @subWOW

Lunch came and we sauntered to our table.  There it was – a formal card in a fancy banqueting stanchion, adorned with someone else’s tight, neat handwriting –  “Bloggers Who Drink Too Much and Lack Focus.”  It took all of three minutes for one of our crew to mark through the official wording and replace it with, “Bloggers Who Only Write About Vaginas.”

Not surprisingly, the conference organizers didn’t give me a chance to suggest a topic for the next day’s “Birds of a Feather” sessions.

But honestly, that was probably the most informative session I attended at BlogHer.  (Unless you count the time ToyWithMe and her massive supply of sex toys joined our group of Glitter Gang Bangers when we snuck out to hide in the hotel bar.  It’s sort of difficult to take someone seriously when she’s cuter than a cartoon character and waving her WeVibe clad hand all over the room – which, P.S., is not spelled WiiVibe.  Though someone better give me a cut of the bazillion dollars you make when you figure out a way to turn your Nintendo into a sex toy. )

Glitter Gang Bangers

So really, the entire experience was pretty darn surreal.  I’m not entirely sure I didn’t make the whole thing up.  Except there’s an intimidating, shiny WeVibe sitting on my desk.  *pokes package, shakes head, places next to the gift bag from EdenFantasys*

Somehow I managed to write a Craftastrophe today, but just barely.  This is what my teeth feel like after I eat spinach.  You’re welcome.

Where was I?  Oh right, my mess of a desk.  Which pile should I start on first?


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45 thoughts on “What I’m Pretty Sure Was a Hallucination

  1. THOSE two were the best two names for any blogging group ever. Maybe we should just run with them??!! In the picture, it totally looks like I was fondling a boob…

    p.s. Thank you for writing this post. This means I don’t have to. I am too exhausted and suffering from withdrawal of your guys, as Patty Punker said…

    1. Oh good – I’m not the only one. I am fucking exhausted and I didn’t even make it to all crazy hours like you wild women! Man I love sleep. Next time I’m going to bunk with you so we can spoon and maximize bonding time.

  2. I signed up for the BOAF lunch (on yours nonetheless) then had no idea where they were. Another fail for me.

    Would you believe that I am normally a totally solid, confident, awesome person. Neither would I if I were you.

    Wait, this is about you. Not me and my totally perplexing “what-in-the-fuck-is-going-on” meltdown.

    Loved meeting you! Totally coming up to see you soon.

    1. We couldn’t figure it out either and showed up wicked late. Bummer. Lunch with you and the rest of the vagina crew would have been stupendous. Now, don’t forget to report back on your other blogging conferences so I can figure out what I’m attending next year – attached to your coattails, of course.

  3. If I ever go to BlogHer, I’ll be the one wearing the “I wouldn’t give birth with YOUR vagina” t-shirt. I’m happy there were vibrator wielding alcoholics in attendance because that I could get down with. Talking about kids ad nauseum? Not so much. Mais non. No, no, no.

    On a slightly related note, I always thought a great name for a vibrator would be ‘The Violater’. It would be huge, black and have big rubber spikes on it. Only for the hardcore.

    1. I still think someone should make a corn dog vibrator. I’m not letting that idea go. Maybe package it with some mustard lube.

      Also? I NEED that shirt. Though, for the record, it might be even funnier on a onesie.

  4. Oh Aunty Em, you DID go to Oz and we were all there too. Glinda the good witch was handing out WeVibes and everything!
    Vodka makes my tummy hurt and I fell down a few too many times but thank you for guiding us like a heat seeking missle thru the city to the best, outdoor cafe, public bathroom, and sushi EVER!
    A big hug.

  5. monetizing 101: when blogging about vaginas, make sure you know your audience.

    also, what dufmanno said: you’re the best off-blogher tour guide eva. and rocco is just swell. mwuah.

  6. Okay that is the best blogging group ever. Alcohol, glitter, vibrators. Now that’s a conference. I popped out rug rats and I can’t stand talking about kids and often day dream about throttling people who talk about their own offspring ad nauseum. I think that makes me some kind of serial killer (or at least hamster buggerer) in some circles judging by the looks I generally receive from local “lactivists”.

    You are my hero :0

  7. I wish I’d spent more time with you, being another one without an occupancy permit for my uterus. (Really, documented by CT scan and everything!)

    You made me laugh so hard when I didn’t think it was possible after a redeye flight and long afternoon waiting to get into my hotel room. Thank you!!!

  8. Seriously, just watch the news tomorrow for the rampage at 333 East Main. The more I read, the more it seals their fates. Taking them out. It’s done. Le’sigh. Start planning an elaborate jailbreak.

  9. Okay, I’m totally strangling Vapid in that there photo.

    I have 2 kids and I hated all the mommy crap. Although I do admit the Play-Doh was a hit with them, I threw it into their lairs today and haven’t heard a peep since.

    It was fun, and yes, that bathroom was awesome. Thanks for a wonderful time.

    1. The Play-Doh was a huge hit here, too. Last night we all sat around sniffing it while drinking wine. That’s probably not exactly what the Play-Doh peeps had intended.

  10. I have two children (who I also write about occasionally) but I do NOT consider myself a mummy blogger. Every now and then I write a blog post about not being a mummy blogger that I don’t actually post because it might offend mummy bloggers. I don’t lactate (anymore) and do not want to run screaming through a conference pursued by marketeers trying to make me talk about their brand of feminine hygiene products.

    I’d have signed up for your BOAF table, and maybe helped Amy find that darn thing, or conversely been lost with her somewhere in the bowels of the city.

    Sounds fun either way.

  11. FOUR vibrators? Holy crap, that is like this one time when I went to Mexico. Anyhoo, back to you…

    I want to join your group next year! I don’t fall into any of the others, and I want to go, and your group sounds like the bestest anywhere!

  12. Sounds like it was a blast. I just had to shake my head thinking about my days making peanut butter commercials for placement on chaste daytime TV. What do the P&Gs of the world do now with vaginas? Dunno…

  13. Vibrators & Sparkly Unicorns – It doesn’t get
    any better than that!

    Again, how the hell did I miss the vag table? Damn and double damn. By the way, after that little stunt I think you two should be in charge of naming all the “Birds of a Feather” groups.

    Wish I could have hung out with the Glitter Gang
    Bangers a LOT LONGER!! Had a FUCKING BLAST chillin’ with The Bangers & TheBloggess.
    We can dress you up but we can’t keep your tongue in your mouth 😛 Love Ya

  14. i love this post! i only wish i had found you!!! i scoured the joint for a uke but no-go. my blogher experience wasn’t quite amazing but it wasn’t all bad either. my biggest regret is not having immersed myself in the conference more. and not meeting you 🙁

  15. We look so innocent on that photo – smiling behind our ‘vagina’ sign!
    It was great to meet you – and your creation of an extra ‘Birds of a Feather’ table was pure genius. Oh and by the way, I WAS stalking you at the conference (actually I was waiting to see if your vajazzles dropped off on the carpet).

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