It turns out that it’s almost as exhausting to attend a conference as it is to plan one – though both are probably equally hard on the liver.
I’m still a little overwhelmed. My desk is covered with a stack of random fliers, five different coffee mugs, a sparkly stuffed unicorn, four vibrators, and 497 business cards. It’s going to take me a while to dig back out from under this mess.
Before I go any further, let me state for the record that I love mommy bloggers. What I’m about to say isn’t a slam to those beautiful women. But it was a wee bit strange to attend BlogHer as a non-mommy blogger. I’m clearly not their target demo. I mean, there was a “Lactation Lounge” for the love of God.
There were sponsors everywhere. I swear you couldn’t make it two feet before someone stopped you to ask how you define playtime or if you made your own baby food. Each and every time I watched as their faces froze and their eyes glazed over when I said I didn’t have kids. Instantly they futzed with their watches or pulled out their cell phones. If I ever go again, I’m going to wear a tee that says, “My uterus does not have an occupancy permit,” so I can skip all those awkward moments.
AVapidBlonde was my first bloggin’ buddy to show up. We spent the morning of Day One roaming the halls and trying to get our bearings. We stumbled across a table of covered with orange pieces of paper and fat magic markers. After an epic brainstorm on our part, we managed to determine the papers were for a “Birds of a Feather” session later that afternoon. We paused to read the possible topics: Mommy Bloggers, Daddy Bloggers, Bloggers Who Write About Fashion, Frugal Bloggers, Bloggers Interested in Travel, and (my personal favorite) Lactivists.
Not surprisingly, neither Vapid nor I fell into any of those categories. I spotted an unclaimed piece of paper, grabbed a marker and set about my work. Carefully, in my neatest handwriting I wrote, “Birds of a Feather: Bloggers Who Drink Too Much and Lack Focus.” Vapid and I of course signed up, then flitted off in search of caffeine.
A mere twenty minutes later, I walked back by the table to find our sign-up sheet covered with names. I texted Vapid. She didn’t believe me. Hell, I didn’t believe me either.
As I sat through a decidedly disappointing session, I hopped onto Twitter. People were tweeting me that we were in the same “Bird of a Feather” group. Shit. I noticed my boobs were suddenly sweating despite the arctic chill in the conference room.
As soon as the session ended, I headed straight for the sign-up sheets. I sighed with relief when I saw the sheet hadn’t changed…oh…except for the addition of the word “more” in the lower, right hand corner, enclosed in a thick black circle of ink. Hesitantly, I flipped the sheet over. There, in organized rows, the lines of additional names mocked me. Doh.
Lunch came and we sauntered to our table. There it was – a formal card in a fancy banqueting stanchion, adorned with someone else’s tight, neat handwriting – “Bloggers Who Drink Too Much and Lack Focus.” It took all of three minutes for one of our crew to mark through the official wording and replace it with, “Bloggers Who Only Write About Vaginas.”
Not surprisingly, the conference organizers didn’t give me a chance to suggest a topic for the next day’s “Birds of a Feather” sessions.
But honestly, that was probably the most informative session I attended at BlogHer. (Unless you count the time ToyWithMe and her massive supply of sex toys joined our group of Glitter Gang Bangers when we snuck out to hide in the hotel bar. It’s sort of difficult to take someone seriously when she’s cuter than a cartoon character and waving her WeVibe clad hand all over the room – which, P.S., is not spelled WiiVibe. Though someone better give me a cut of the bazillion dollars you make when you figure out a way to turn your Nintendo into a sex toy. )
So really, the entire experience was pretty darn surreal. I’m not entirely sure I didn’t make the whole thing up. Except there’s an intimidating, shiny WeVibe sitting on my desk. *pokes package, shakes head, places next to the gift bag from EdenFantasys*
Somehow I managed to write a Craftastrophe today, but just barely. This is what my teeth feel like after I eat spinach. You’re welcome.
Where was I? Oh right, my mess of a desk. Which pile should I start on first?