My apartment has a photo shoot today. She’s going back on the market so the realtor needs some glamor shots to include in the mail-order apartment catalog or something. (Yes my apartment is a girl. If I’m going to crawl up inside something and live there, I’d rather it be a girl than a dude. But if you want your domicile to be a dude, I won’t judge. Much. Freak.)
I’ve vacuumed out all the appliances (cat hair in the dishwasher, you know), washed down all the doors, and scrubbed all the moldings. The movers came yesterday to take away all the extra pounds she’s packed on over the years. I fluffed every pillow in the place to enhance her bust line. I even put on some fake eyelashes and extra mascara via a new shower curtain in the bathroom. This bitch is ready for the runway.
Now I just have to figure out what areas need to be covered in vaseline.
That’s the very last thing they do at beauty pageants, right? The contestants smear their teeth with vaseline so their lips don’t get stuck on dry enamel while trying to smile, don’t they? So I just have to figure out what part of my apartment would be considered her teeth. How hard can that be?
Huh. This might be harder than I thought. It might even be harder than figuring out which parts of her needed waxing. Good thing I went ahead and slipped that Spanx around her big ass bed last night.
The fireplace? The bright white appliances in the kitchen? The tiles in the bathroom? Is there such a thing as TOO MUCH vaseline when getting pageant ready?
This might take a while.
Looks like I won’t have time to knit Rocco an edible thong out of licorice laces for Valentine’s Day after all. Thank goodness. But since Mom has just taken up crochet again, I’m going to include the link HERE so she can make one for Dad. You’re welcome, Mom.
I’m having a really hard time not cracking another vaseline joke right now.
It’s the floors, isn’t it? They’re the part that’s supposed to shine! Game on.