Vaseline and Realtors

My apartment has a photo shoot today.  She’s going back on the market so the realtor needs some glamor shots to include in the mail-order apartment catalog or something.  (Yes my apartment is a girl.  If I’m going to crawl up inside something and live there, I’d rather it be a girl than a dude.  But if you want your domicile to be a dude, I won’t judge.  Much.  Freak.)

I’ve vacuumed out all the appliances (cat hair in the dishwasher, you know), washed down all the doors, and scrubbed all the moldings.  The movers came yesterday to take away all the extra pounds she’s packed on over the years.  I fluffed every pillow in the place to enhance her bust line.   I even put on some fake eyelashes and extra mascara via a new shower curtain in the bathroom.  This bitch is ready for the runway.

Now I just have to figure out what areas need to be covered in vaseline.

That’s the very last thing they do at beauty pageants, right?  The contestants smear their teeth with vaseline so their lips don’t get stuck on dry enamel while trying to smile, don’t they?  So I just have to figure out what part of my apartment would be considered her teeth.  How hard can that be?

*looks around*

Huh.  This might be harder than I thought.  It might even be harder than figuring out which parts of her needed waxing.  Good thing I went ahead and slipped that Spanx around her big ass bed last night.

The fireplace?  The bright white appliances in the kitchen?  The tiles in the bathroom?  Is there such a thing as TOO MUCH vaseline when getting pageant ready?

This might take a while.

Looks like I won’t have time to knit Rocco an edible thong out of licorice laces for Valentine’s Day after all.  Thank goodness.  But since Mom has just taken up crochet again, I’m going to include the link HERE so she can make one for Dad.  You’re welcome, Mom.

I’m having a really hard time not cracking another vaseline joke right now.

It’s the floors, isn’t it?  They’re the part that’s supposed to shine!  Game on.


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39 thoughts on “Vaseline and Realtors

  1. The floors. Huh. I would have thought the door knobs.

    I don’t envy you. Putting the house on the market is a shit ton of work. Especially when the years have not been kind, and the floors have started to sag. Like LiLo’s crotch.

  2. Maybe St. Joseph needs some Vaseline? Maybe I will go to hell for this? And then you can come rescue me from Hell with Herbert?

    Good luck with the photo shoot, baby. Remember: don’t let them take pictures angling up!

  3. I’d say your entry way as the perfect place for some vaseline. Remeber first impresions count, and no one wants chaffing as they enter. Maybe use the glittery vaseline, that’s sure to attract all the quality people.

  4. I love the knitting project! I am totally having my friend who knits make me one!

    I am pretty sure my house (hubby’s choice – he had already bought it I just moved in when I married him)is an obese male with a digestive disorder. LOL I am ready to perform some reassignment surgery and a gastric bypass.

  5. Don’t forget the Preparation H to reduce any areas that may have swelling or lines(lines, not wrinkles, because pageant girls don’t get wrinkles). True story, they use it at the pageants, and then double sided tape to keep her swimsuit in place as she struts her stuff.
    Zsa Zsa is not a fitting name for a pageant girl, that would be a pageant marm, go with something like Ashley, Kristin, Anna, Hannah, or one of the other non offensive names. Silly girl, I will get you through this.

    Also, make sure she has a sign up somewhere that says she intends to cure hunger and bring world peace!

    1. I’ll get some to put around the cracks where she’s sagging around the stairwell. I’ll add the world peace thing to the sheet pointing out how close Ashley is to NJ Transit. Or maybe Kristin with hearts instead of i’s. Oh the decisions…

  6. I’m a Realtor, so here’s my professional answer: Save the Vaseline for yourself. It will enable to you to smile continually as your Realtor walks through the house and you realize that you forgot to do half the stuff you should have. But you will survive.

  7. I always found it wasn’t the shiny surfaces that made the differenc, but the fact that there WAS a surface. All clutter should be shoved behind the photographer, and then moved about as he takes shots from different angles.

  8. Oddly enough, in property management, to get an apartment “ready” we were taught to polish stainless steel sinks, appliances, etc. with a very light coat of baby oil because it covers up all the scuffs and wear. no kidding. so, grease away.

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