Fish gotta swim. Birds gotta fly. Elly’s gotta read the Bible.
I don’t know what possessed me to try and stop. That’s like trying to convince a rainbow to stop being a rainbow for a second – Mango to stop being Mango. Such is Elly. I was wrong, so wrong, to even try.
I did go through this brief phase (sometimes I still relapse a little) where I felt I had to do great things and be a better person to deserve this second chance at life. It only took me seven months to slip back into my heathen wine drinking, smut reading ways…and not a minute too soon.
I promise I’ll recycle every copy. Does that make up for the shallow, inane reporting? If I read a medical essay for every issue, can I still be considered a relatively intelligent and educated woman? Is reading Us Weekly the equivalent of a vegan eating a bacon cheeseburger? Say no, ’cause I really, REALLY love the silliness.
Fortunately my subscription renewal coincided with a pretty busy news week. Between Farrah and Michael, the NYTimes was simply not going to cut it. But even then, there was so much more gossip than I had even dared to dream!
No one bothered to tell me Nicole Richie was pregnant again! And she’s not just a little bit pregnant…she’s going to pop any minute! A Jonas brother is engaged? The Wentz’s are having marital problems? Tea Leoni and David Duchovny are back together? Mother of God where have I been?!?
Clearly my mother and friends have seriously let me down by not keeping me informed. I don’t take lightly my responsibility to be the Queen of Useless Information (as my mother likes to call me). Too long have I looked to CNN and MSNBC to meet my entertainment news quota. Clearly the Times is behind the times when it comes to news that really matters.
And the cosmos even sent me a little confirmation that I’m really and truly destined to subscribe to the Bible – the first issue I received had a 6 page photo spread of my favorite vampire, Rob Pattinson. Yum. Now I’m counting the days till my next issue arrives.
I’ve got my Bible back and all is right with the world.