I drove all the way to North Carolina to bond with my dad and escape the cold yet here we sit surrounded by drifts of white, icky snow. Hoo-motherfucking-Ray.
Our oldest brother Mike managed to land just before the snow hit. We spent the morning listening to him quote recipes from an old cookbook. Here’s a little window into our conversation. You’re welcome.
Mike: Mother’s Salad Quickie…
Me: Is it tossed by any chance?
Mike: It’s frozen. With cherries.
Rocco: I’m going to go wash my balls.
Mike: Mmmm. Seafood Salad Supreme! Wait, Whipped Wonder! In the dessert section I found Cucumber Mouse. It includes Lime Jello, too. Green Goddess Seafood Mold – it has two layers. There’s a lemon layer with crab and lobster, and a lime layer with sour cream, mayonnaise and anchovies. *silence from the room, pages flip* Gumdrop Salad – marshmallows, grapes, garlic powder – no jello.
Dad: What was the publication date on that again?
Mike: 1968. For some reason, Fisherman’s Feast has brussel sprouts.
Mom: A lot of people in my day always put mayonnaise on their jello. I never understood that.
Mike: Now I’m into the Brazilian Salads.
Thom: Just a patch of hair down the middle? *reads over my shoulder, rolls eyes* Why did I think that would make it into the blog?
Mike: Flesh Salad. Veal, capers, apples, eggs, pickles – it’s from Germany.
Mike: *ignoring* HERRING SALAD! Oooh! I’m on to Appetizers! Zippy Tomato Drinks
Mom: Bojangles is open.
Me: Did you call to find out?
Mom: They just announced it on the news.
Mike: CHEESE BOXES!
Thom: Is that when you’ve had a yeast infection for a few days?
Mike: *still ignoring* Bacon Bits!!
Mom: Did I send you the thing on coffee filters?
Mike: Hospitality Liver Spread!
Me: Yes. But we don’t use filters. Not even verbal or mental filters.
Mike: Clam Canapes! Zippy and peppy – those are two words I don’t hear us use much in normal conversation anymore.
Thom: Unless you’re talking about nipples.
Mike: One of us needs to have twins and name them Zippy and Peppy.
Thom: Good news is they’re not gender specific.
Me: The nipples or the names?
Dad: Now, if I remember correctly there was a Zipporah in the family.
Mike: Elly, do you have happy peaches?
Me: *blink, blink*
Dad: Zipporah Lonon.
Thom: I don’t think she ever expected to hear a brother ask her that.
Mom: Maybe we should go to the shopping center.
Mike: The one over yonder?
Mom: Is Drew coming up?
Mike: They’re waiting for High Point to finish with the snow plow so it can clean up Durham. Ooooh Swedish Meatballs.
Mom: Why isn’t the sound up on the TV? He’s making motions and I can’t hear what he’s saying!
Rocco: Wait, Swedish Meatballs are in the Salad cookbook?
Mom: Dad liked those.
Mike: Dad likes meatballs in his oatmeal?
Dad: Apple butter and gingersnaps. Yum.
Mom: Sharon gave me a Beef Stew recipe with cinnamon in it.
Mike: How about some Sprightly Sprouts?
Thom: I might poo again.
Me: What was the tuna one again?
Mike: Tuna-Lime Ring?
Mike: Do you wanna see the picture?
Me: *clapping* There’s a picture?
Mom: I’m going to go in the other room so I can hear the TV.
Thom: *looking at picture* I’ve seen sex toys that look more like food.
I think that’s more than enough, don’t you? Because I’m such a giver and I miss you all terribly, I’m going to share the recipe for the Tuna-Lime Ring from Volume III of the Favorite Recipes of America. Yet again, you’re welcome. Try not to throw up in your mouth.
2 3-oz pkg. lime gelatin
2 c. boiling water
2 c. cold water
1 c. dairy sour cream
2 7-oz. cans tuna, drained
1/2 c. chopped celery
1/4 c/ chopped can pimento
1 tbsp. dehydrated minced onion
3 tbsp. vinegar
Dissolve gelatin in boiling water. Add cold water; chill until slightly thickened. Beat in sour cream until smooth. Turn into an 8-inch ring mold. Chill until firm. Combine tuna, celery, pimento, onion and vinegar; mix well. Unmold lime ring onto serving platter. Fill center with tuna mixture. Garnish with cucumber and parsley. Yield: 6 servings.
While you whip up this tasty dish for lunch, you can decide for yourselves which is more messed up – my family or that recipe. Discuss amongst yourselves.