The Vibrator Play

“Someone is offering tix to ‘The Vibrator Play or In the Next Room.’  You interested?”  I nearly careened off the side of the road when I received that text on my way home from a particularly rewarding rendezvous with my boyfriend, Trader Joe.  There was only one possible response.

“Have you met me?”

As we’ve previously established, I never EVER pass up free tickets to ANYTHING.  I’ve been talking about paying to see this show for months, but somehow I hadn’t bought tickets yet.  Imagine my sheer joy at hearing the words “free” and “vibrator” in the same sentence!  I mean, that only happens like once or twice a week, tops.

Yesterday it happened quite a bit, though.  “Rocco, I scored FREE tickets to the VIBRATOR play!”  “Do you want to join me at the VIBRATOR play for FREE?”  “Screw dinner, I have FREE tickets to watch people use VIBRATORS on Broadway…for FREE!”

Oh yeah, life is good.  Had there been fewer tourists and the weather been warm enough for a Naked Cowboy sighting, my night would have been near perfect.

Just in case you aren’t familiar with the play, here’s the skinny.  The story takes place in the 19th century, where electricity is a novelty and hysteria is rampant amongst well-to-do women (and occasionally men).  The male lead is a physician who treats these hysterical women by inducing “paroxysms” via electricity, or occasionally relying on the older, more traditional “manual treatment” as described in ancient Greek texts.  (wink, wink — nudge, nudge)  The female lead is an inquisitive, excitable new mother struggling with feelings of inadequacy when she can’t produce enough milk for her new child.  Let the hijinks begin.

Not that the play is a comedy.  There are laughs to be sure, and not just the nervous ones emitted by the audience as we sat together in the dark watching orgasm after orgasm after orgasm.  At intermission, I turned to my date Danielle and wondered, “Can you imagine having to fake seven plus orgasms every single night?  Double that on matinee days?”

“It’s hard enough to do one right, eh?” she replied without missing a beat.  Funny AND mean – I knew there was a reason I liked her.

The second act dealt with more emotional and somber subjects – surprisingly so, in fact.  That’s probably why the teenage girls next to us set about texting all their friends and watching Youtube videos on their cell phones instead of watching the play.  Coincidentally, that’s also when I started considering murder in the first degree.

Of course by the time I had managed to regain my focus and block out the illumination on the opposite side of Danielle, the play was nearly over.  I wistfully smiled at the tender final scene where the vulnerable wedded couple shed their clothes and embraced in the gently falling snow.  That is, until my smile turned into a grimace as the young girls giggled and joked through the entire thing.  As the male lead stepped out of his pants one of the girls actually squealed, “oh my God a PENIS!!!”

Seriously?

In the age of the Internet, sexting and Reality TV you’ve never seen a penis?  Have you never taken an art appreciation class?  Do they not teach Sex Ed or Anatomy anymore?  Is there not a stack of dog-eared National Geographic Magazines in some neglected corner of your house?

Hell, it’s not even lunch and I’d guess I’ve seen about seventeen already.

From the way they were reacting, you’ d have thought that flaccid thing was going to leap from his body, fly through the crowd, catapult up into the mezzanine, then slap those girls repeatedly in the face and possibly poke their eyes out.  I understand that the schlong is not the single most attractive part of a man’s body, but I think their reaction might have been slightly overboard.  I’m not suggesting the thing needed its own curtain call, but perhaps they should have refrained from attempting to boo it right off the stage.

As far as penis exposure goes, it was really pretty mellow.  He simply shrugged off his britches, hugged his wife, and then laid down on the stage.  It was all very tasteful — you know, for full frontal et al.  It’s not as though he was using a hula hoop, doing jumping jacks, or practicing the MC Hammer Dance.  I hope those gals didn’t see Equus.  Harry Potter’s twig and berries probably would have sent them into their own bouts of “paroxysms.”

If you want a profound and insightful review of the actual play, you can read one from a professional writer here.  In case you’re too lazy to read all that, I’ll still give you my two cents.  The play itself was lovely.  It was just the right balance of pithy, tender, insightful, and profound.  The staging and costumes were magnificent.  As for the cast, I’d describe them as competent.  Each had shining moments, but I found it hard to believe any of them completely.  Then again, it’s hard to really take anything seriously with giggling, twittering twats driving me to distraction.

All in, I’m super glad I was able to see the play.  I’d probably even say that if I’d paid for the tickets.  So go.  Then celebrate the fact you don’t have to plug your vibrator into a wall.


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21 thoughts on “The Vibrator Play

  1. Sure, but if it DID plug into the wall I bet one of those would put batteries to shame.

    You didn’t say anything to them? Not even a a pass down the aisle past them to “go to the bathroom” and step all over them or fall on them? I feel like justice has not been served. Now they’ll go somewhere else and do this same thing, and *I’m* going to be there and say something mean and make them cry and look like a big jerk.

    Why do you want me to look like a jerk? Also – I want to see this, sans the penis.
    .-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Going Commando =-.

    1. I thought really mean thoughts and glared at them, does that count? They were crying already, but only because they were laughing so hard. Whatever. Apparently I’m still mad about it. Grumble.

  2. Asking if you interested was rhetorical. Okay? Of I knew you’d interested, it was more a question of availability. Your end of year schedule seemed quite full and might not have been able to fit “The Vibrator Play” in. So to speak.

    1. Actually there WAS a pedal involved. But that particular apparatus was for men. KeepingYouAwake is probably rethinking that whole “I want to see this, sans the penis” remark.

  3. i could not be much less of a prude and still, i generally have a reaction to ANY frontal stuff. interesting also, as a non-lesbian who enjoys occasional soft porn with my husband, i focus mostly on the women. overall, i am too immature to have appreciated Vibrator Play . glad you were able to go. sounds as if it was a good time for you and your friend.

    come to think of it, at this point, if it meant spending one on one time with a friend, i would attend and appreciate nearly anything intended for adults.
    .-= magda´s last blog ..Losin’ It. Lost it =-.

  4. I laughed throughout your post here, but I’m afraid I would act just like the “oh my God a PENIS!!” girls. It is all too rare that penis are revealed — at least in movies and probably in plays too. So when they are, I get all “Ooh ooh! I saw one! A penis! A penis!” And then I cheer. 🙂
    .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Vagabond" =-.

  5. I would also like the record to show that I did phrase it to you as “The Vibrator Play or In The Next Room”, instead of the other way round as it is actually titled. And to be honest. If we hadn’t gone, who else would I have offered those tix too. Seriously?

  6. OMG! I cannot believe you got to see this play! So jealous. I just read a review in the Chicago tribune and interview with the playwright. I would have killed those teenagers. If you are not mature enough to see naked bodies on stage. GET THE FUCK OUT! That nude scene in “6 Degrees of Separation”? If anybody had snickered… OH. I would have gone nucular on the person.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..“Do you realize the people back here are getting cookies?!” =-.

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