The Missing Ingredient

The Interwebz can be a very dangerous place, my darlings.  Luckily, you have me to…well…not exactly SHIELD you.  You are a delicate flower that surely doesn’t spend the same volume of hours I do surfing for weird shit.  I like to think my role is to make sure you don’t miss the really seedy stuff that might otherwise escape your pious attention.

[Mom, you should probably stop reading now.]

For examples, just yesterday I made a new friend on Twitter and decided to peruse her blog.  That’s where I found it, muffins – the perfect wedding gift for Matt and Gwen.  Hell, I should probably buy up a gross of these things and give them as my standard gift for all weddings…and housewarmings…and baby showers!  Ladies and Gentleman I present you with the ultimate recipe book for newlyweds – Natural Harvest – A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again – I can’t make this shit up.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.

Seriously.  Allow me to focus on my favorite part – “…commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.”  Technically baby batter is also “commonly available” at bars, gas stations, sporting events, and inside Tiger’s harem of hookers.  This is not a selling point for me.  I fully intent to continue “neglecting” joy juice in my dietary planning.

Oh shit – I clicked on the preview.  Here’s a snippet of the foreword:

This cookbook is written for consenting diners of semen.  Please do not add semen to your guest’s food without informing them beforehand.

Now, I’m not an overly picky eater.  Yet people still feel the need to try and sneak certain foods by me – venison, rabbit, and green peppers for example.  While that gets me madder than a tea bagger, my ire is equally as unjustified for I’ve done it, too.  I’ve been known to trick Rocco into eating yogurt and my brother Thom into eating onions (those were unintentionally symbolic examples, I swear), but I’m going to have to agree with the author here.  There’s no milky, gray area.  Slipping someone a spooge laden dish just isn’t cool.

No Seriously. It's real.
No Seriously. It's real.

Since we’re in the middle of Passover, I felt the need to do a bit of research and see if these recipes could qualify as Kosher.  The short answer is no.  Also, for you Catholics that gave up spunk for Lent (I’m pretty sure that’s what I’d give up if I was Catholic…that or maybe green peppers), you should wait a week to try one of these recipes out.  Lastly, I don’t think love gravy is vegan.  I just want you all to be prepared in case you plan on serving any of these dishes at your next dinner party.  You’re welcome.

Can you imagine planning the menu for THAT dinner party?  We’ll set up an “Almost White Russian” bar in the foyer as everyone arrives.  Then we’ll serve the “Slightly Saltier Caviar” and maybe the “Man Made Oysters” in the living room.  Once everyone is seated, we’ll serve a tossed salad followed by the “Roasted Lamb with Good Gravy” as the main course.  Then we can nibble on “Cum Creme Caramel” and “Chocolate Truffles with White Center” on the back porch while our guests sip some “Irish Coffee with Extra Cream” or “Capuccion de Semi.”

That would have to be a short guest list, don’t you think?  I mean, I think it would be rather taxing on the sperm source BEFORE the recipes are tripled to serve twelve.  I’ve said, “Hey man, don’t nut in my mouth,” as many times as the next girl, but it wasn’t because I wanted to harvest his ejaculate for my culinary pursuits.  Can you imagine knocking on your neighbor’s door and asking to borrow a cup of boy yogurt for your hollandaise sauce?  I suppose you could ask your guests to bring a “donation” of your swimmies in a specimen jar, but that’s not in very good taste (again, unintentionally disgusting pun).

If you were a guest, what else could you possibly bring as a hostess gift?

Breast milk cheese, obviously.  *shudder*


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29 thoughts on “The Missing Ingredient

  1. That sure gives new meaning to “licking the batter.” Ew ew ew… I mean really… Can’t people just stick to swallowing? (No pun intended.)

  2. I’ve heard of placenta-eating, and breast milk cheese (I have, for real) and now this. We are *this close* (holds fingers two mm apart) to just saying screw it and eating our appendixes/ces, our baby toes, and our foreskin. (Not MY foreskin, you know what I mean.)

    I’ve spent decades perfecting crafty ways to keep semen out of my mouth whilst giving the illusion that I’ve actually swallowed it, and to give up all that hard work now?? Would be ludicrous.

  3. I am sitting here with my mouth open wide and I can feel vomit rising. Having said that I laughed at the entire post. This will definitely be a great convo starter at my dinner parties. Guest: Mmmm what’s in this salad? Me: Balsemen Vinaigrette. Maybe just maybe they will stop coming over my house.

    I knew there was a reason I follow you.
    .-= Virginia´s last blog ..Under Construction =-.

    1. Andrea, why do you think your being vegetarian is going to keep you safe?! I love planting such seeds of doubt in the minds of the innocent…

      Excellent…
      .-= subWOW´s last blog ..On the road =-.

      1. LOL! I’m amused that I pour over ingredient lists, making sure to not accidentally ingest any animal product, but I’ve NEVER considered whether or not THAT product was actually vegetarian. But since no animals are harmed in the making of that product (at least in our house — and that was said in a totally nonjudgmental kind of way), I think it’s safe to say I can still call myself a vegetarian. 😉
        .-= Andrea´s last blog .."Bat Out of Hell" part II =-.

  4. Okay, so, I’m just gonna “toss” this out there, if you have ever swallowed (ooops, did I just suggest such a thing???) then why not at least mix it up with a little Girhadelli? I’m just sayin. So, with that said, who wants to have brunch at my house Saturday? #winkwink
    .-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Good Times =-.

  5. OMGAWD! This makes me gag a little bit. I wanted to say I throw up in my mouth but that thought makes me even sicker…

    We went to a gathering once, towards the end of the night much alcohol has been consumed. I turned around and found a woman straddling my husband. I was not upset at her for straddling my husband, I was upset that she told my husband how surprised she was that I do not swallow. WTF? (I am sorry: nothing gets on the face either. If I could take that, I’d go in other professions that would make me more money thank you very much…) Then she told my husband that IT tastes good, that all women should enjoy giving BJ. WTF??!! She also told my husband that eating watermelons will improve ITS taste by many folds. SRLY?! I told my husband flat out: don’t even bother getting a watermelon. Can you tell I am still fuming?

    p.s. Great. Now that I have spilled the beans, I don’t think I should be sending your post to my husband… LOL.

  6. As much as I like the evidence of my affections to not… um… go to waste, so to speak, I’m pretty sure that ideal only holds true for the next minute or two. If it’s going to be consumed, then it’s got to be right then. Saving it for later seems… Seems like maybe you have too much room in your fridge. Once it loses body heat I’m pretty sure I don’t want it to be sampled.

    1. “Don’t come in here…”

      Oh I get it now!

      *slow*

      On one hand, I want to know whether watermelons do work, on the other hand, no don’t tell me, I really don’t want to know. What should I do Elly?
      .-= subWOW´s last blog ..Athletes =-.

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