Strangle a Tampon for Jesus

Here’s another one to file under the “Shit I Can’t Make Up” heading.  Thank goodness I have such amazing friends who bring this sort of thing to my attention.

God bless the Interwebz, y’all.  And God bless Madge.  Because this is the sort of shit a gal just can’t find in Martha Stewart’s magazine.  You should click on over and learn how to make one for yourself, but I have to just highlight the magical parts for you guys.

To make tampon angels you will need the following supplies:

  • The most absorbent Playtex tampons you can find, I’m using Supers, but the Super Plus or Ultra make a bigger angel.

Yes ladies, you can now advertise how busted your kayak is by decorating your tree.  I predict this will lead to a new wave of trendy insults.  For instance: “Those Kardashians are so loose, their tampons could double as a tree topper in Rockefeller Plaza.”

To start, pop the tampon out and loosen the string, move it down like a noose, and soak the tampon completely, wring out the water, fluff and hang somewhere to dry for a couple of days.

First?  Thank goodness she clarified the tampons should be soaked in WATER.  In a world were coffee cups need burn warnings, a blogger can’t be too careful.  *shudder*

Second?  “Like a noose?!?!”  I mean, who isn’t homicidal on their period?  But still…  I guess the holidays do amp up stress levels, eh?

Lastly, next time someone comes by to meet Chunky Brewster, I can’t wait to say, “Oh, don’t mind all those fluffy tampons strewn all over the table.  I just strangled and drowned them for Jesus’s birthday and now I’m waiting for them to dry.  Here, hold the baby so I can find the glitter.”

On second thought, maybe I’ll just stick to the original plan of making glittery bell ornaments out of diva cups.


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21 thoughts on “Strangle a Tampon for Jesus

  1. I can guess what the angel wings are made from.

    I’ve been making balloon reindeer with condoms for years. They have a built-in nose, just color red with a sharpie. Don’t use the ones with nonoxyl-9, though, you can’t grip them tight enough to tie the knot in the end and wind up shooting all over the living room and land behind the couch.

  2. I’ll give you one hint where I let mine soak before yanking them out and using crafting magic to turn them into red devils.

  3. Ooh Ooh!! How about “Is that a tampon angel in your pocket, or is your vagina just really big because you’re a huge slut?”.

    I might need to think this through a little more…

  4. This made me giggle-snort, and also reminded me of the tampon Super Grover I saw on Regretsy. Funny, when I look at tampons, the first thing that comes to mind isn’t “how can I make this into something to embarrass my family with?”

  5. I can’t wait to decorate my bushes with strangled tampons! Who would’ve thought Jesus was so into body humor?

    I can honestly never say I’ve fluffed a tampon before.

    ♥Spot

  6. This: “Yes ladies, you can now advertise how busted your kayak is by decorating your tree.”
    Totally the funniest thing I’ve read all week. Thank you for the whole post. So many terrible giggles.

  7. I can’t wait for the speech I give as I hand my first one out for a holiday gift… “Straight from the warm cavernous depths deep inside my body, straight to you! Seasons Greetings.”

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