Squatter

Today’s post is from the devastatingly beautiful, tube sock-swinging Kelly of Dufmanno fame.  If I had to describe her with a single word, it would be “vagtacular.”  Good thing I didn’t call her that BEFORE asking her to guest post, eh?


Leave aside for one second the question of WHY Elly let me guest post on her normally first rate blog and consider instead exactly HOW I’m going to pull it off.

Some of you may already know me as Elly’s vagaphobic friend who she took by the hand and walked step by step with during her ninety days in the “Leaving Catholic School Behind” self help desert.

At the end of our long arduous journey not only was I able to utter the proper anatomical term for the “bits and the parts” but I was swinging loose with words like “carpet”, “muff”, “bearded clam” and “hot liver in a vice”.

Also, yes I am aware that some of those are phrases NOT words but this type of red flag should give you further clues about the epic nature of my unworthiness and uncertainty about my skills.

It’s why I tend to wear out my welcome easily and after very little time

SO, when I heard it was about to get all vacant up in here due to wedding time frivolity, I snuck over to BugginWord , sat on Elly’s couch, lit a roaring fire in what I hope is her woodburing fireplace, pulled on this nice warm seemingly cashmere blanket and got ready to tell you a tale…….

Recently, I’ve noticed on more than one occasion that people are gathered around the rear of my minivan (yes, I have a minivan now, you can stop laughing) with furrowed brows and disapproving sneers when I come back to fetch my vehicle in its parking spot after a long shopping trip. Because I am a low life coward, I usually just keep walking past my own car until the brouhaha has subsided and then I slink back after they have tsk tsk’ed and walked away.

I have two bumper stickers that adhere to the Dodge Grand Caravan’s rear end, one is a pair of funny scissors with feet that dares kids to “run with me!” and another of a sweet wide eyed Mexican treat who implores other drivers to “Eat more Tacos!” He’s just a doll, with his big brown eyes and his gap toothed smile. I mean, WHO doesn’t LOVE tacos and cute doe eyed things?

My daughter and her hooligan friends are to blame for these adhesive slogans since I’ve never bought a bumper sticker in my entire life, but I didn’t protest the application of these seemingly harmless extras and drove merrily around for the better part of a year until THIS conversation.

Me: Ugggg, why are all these people staring with disapproval at those stupid stickers? I guess the scissor one is inappropriate if you’ve ever had a kid run with them and actually put out an eye like we all threaten.

Friend: You’re kidding right? You really think it’s the scissor one?

Me: Yes, how could anyone protest Mr. Taco? He’s so freaking cute!

Friend: Ummmm, how do I say this? Uh, Taco is another name for vagina.

Me: Yeah, but that little guy looks NOTHING like a vagina!

Friend: My best guess is that everyone thinks you are a carpet muncher who is encouraging everyone to get on the bandwagon.

Me😕

Friend: That’s all I can think of.

Me: So I’ve been flying around town to drop kids off and pick kids up, to family functions, and talking to PRIESTS and NUNS and whatever the fuck else while flying my pseudo lesbian flag?

Friend: I think yes.

This evening I went outside to get rid of Mr. Taco and I couldn’t do it. He’s been through so much with me: Road trips, family outings, bringing dead bodies to the dump and hookers back to their rightful corner, like it or not we are in it for the long haul.

Just as I was feeling the pride and thinking of getting myself a rainbow flag another BETTER INFORMED friend let me know that Mr. Taco WAS NOT in fact asking the general population to eat more vaginas. All he wanted was for you to indulge in fine Mexican cuisine.

Come back soon Elly, I need your guidance!!!


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32 thoughts on “Squatter

    1. Ooooohhhh! I think I need one of these. By the way, Elly sent me an email to let me know that the second friend who claimed the taco was NOT a vagina was WRONG! Apparently it IS and he’s staying.
      I am, however, concerned about is one tooth.
      What kind of maneating vagina has a tooth?

        1. Um, okay I googled vagina with teeth and now my mind needs to be wiped. Preferably with a cloth soaked in disinfectant.
          Also, now that I’ve seen the trailer for the indie movie “TEETH” the image of her poor handless OB/GYN will never leave me.

    1. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE tacos, it’s the others who are judging me silently who seem to have the problem with his smiling face. He really is so freaking cute.

      1. Now I’m hopelessly confused. The fact that it IS so cute makes you wonder about the hidden meaning. It’s like it’s saying “look at me with my one nubby little toof, I couldn’t be more than ONE YEAR OLD, so I’m innocent and I like Mexican food” but in reality there is skullduggery afoot.
        Ha, Ha stupid woman with the minivan! You just told EVERYONE that you eat women bits!!!!

  1. “Eat More Tacos” makes me think of the sour cream gun at Taco Bell. Ever seen those in action? And now you’re gonna wonder if I’m referring to an actual sour cream gun or a sour cream gun of hidden meaning, huh? 😉

    1. Am I the only one thinking there could be a whole slew of porn movies filmed at the local Taco Bell? Sour cream gun? Eating Tacos? This is madness!!!!

    1. I was in such a quandry because of the big brown eyes and tiny tooth. I should have written a post about poop. There is never any question about poop, it smells, it looks the same on nearly every occasion and even simple people like myself have no problem identifying it. Unless of course it’s a mouse poop, in which case it could be a chocolate sprinkle that fell off my ice cream cone.

    2. Coincidentally, there was a awesome biker bar called The Bearded Clam in Ocean City. They didn’t serve sour cream, but they did dole out a dollop of whipped cream atop the jello shots.

  2. Oh thank gawd you posted a pic of the taco. You have no idea what my mind was doing to me…. PS. Mildred let you sit down?? Slightly jealous about that….

    1. I’m trying to imagine the evil looking taco your mind conjured up and I’m getting some disturbing flashes. Anyway, Mildred got all skittish and fashioned a protest sign saying I had to go vacate the property, so she clearly liked you better. Well, until I gave her a taco.

  3. Tacos? Sour cream? Is that what people think of our bits?

    I for one do not agree that tacos mean va jay jays. My husband LOVES tacos. ’nuff said.

    1. yeah, I’m not sure either, but still if he is a vag he’s got an angelic smile and radiates warmth and kindness so I don’t care.
      Your husband is a wise man.

      1. No no no. I was totally fishing for sympathy. I meant he loves the REAL tacos. Therefore he will disagree on the association between tacos and vajayjays…

        Is this TMI? I am pretty sure it is by now…

  4. Nope. That’s definitely a vagina reference. Though I’d use “pink taco” before I’d use “Mr. Taco”. Who wants their vagina to be all manly?

    Anywho, inappropriate bumper stickers on mom cars are just about the most awesome thing ever. I have a great one that the other daycare moms just LOVE: “If you’re going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair.”

    1. Best bumper sticker EVER.
      I’m sure I could send a few Opus Dei parents into a dead faint in the parking lot if we screeched in side by side to drop our kids.

  5. one word: HILARIOUS.
    i have decided not to have hurt feelings that no one EVER ASKS ME TO FUCKING GUEST POST in favor of thanking you guys for the laugh today.
    and sorry.
    that was way more than one word….

    1. You were on an epic quest for ball sacks. I didn’t want to be accused of distracting you. Next time I’m trapped in Maryland…wait, you’ll be meeting me for drinks so you can’t guest post then, either. So there.

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