Soggy Much?

So why didn’t anyone tell me a Glucose test involved getting stabbed four times?  FOUR.  I look like a junky.  Or a cancer patient.  Or someone on dialysis.  Or a pregnant chick that just had her blood drawn four times.

I’m losing control of this analogy rather quickly.

Speaking of things I’m rapidly losing control of, let me tell you about another pregnancy symptom that no one warned me about.  No, not THAT.  Everyone knows about THAT.  I’m talking about my salivary glands.

Yup.  The DROOL.

I know I’ve mentioned it before, but we’ve reached new heights, Interwebz.  I now long for the days when I merely had to place a towel on my desk to wipe up errant streams of spit.  And sometimes it’s kinda fun to be able to drool on cue in the middle of someone’s boring story.  But I draw the line when I start losing sleep because of saliva.

One minute, I’m blissfully waltzing with Neil Patrick Harris while smurfs and hobbits wage a war over grape rights.  The next minute I’m ripped from sleep and trying to shake drool out of my ear.  Yes my ear.

Nothing wakes me up faster than a tsunami of spit washing over my ear.

That’s not true.  Fire alarms wake me up MUCH faster.  And air horns.  Fine.  Lots of things wake me up faster that wet ears, but most of those things don’t happen twelve times a night, every single night.  Just the air horns.  And there were extenuating circumstances.

The point is, there is a LOT of drool involved here.  I’m starting to worry about dehydration.  And hearing loss.  And mildew.  And drowning.  And if the collard greens in the produce drawer have already gone bad because I really haven’t looked at them in like a week and even though it’s not really related I just hate wasting food.

….and now I’m hungry again.  Boy would Pavlov like to get his hands on me.


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20 thoughts on “Soggy Much?

  1. I’ve never heard of an excess of drool.

    God. Pregnant women need to be honored every day – the shit you guys go through is insane.

  2. haven’t you had that damned baby yet? geez. whatareyawaitinfer?

    besides – how can you drool into your ear? seems like you’d gag on it before it was able to build up enough to run out the top and down your face into your ear.

  3. At least you had the glucose test for a good reason.

    When I had mine, all I got out of it was a type 2 diabetes diagnosis, not a little bundle of pooping joy.

  4. I am drooling a ton now at 23 weeks pregnant. It also wakes me up in the middle of the night (though thankfully not because it’s in my ear, but because my pillow gets wet). The things that no one ever tells you huh?

  5. I didnt have the drool you speak of…. However, *maybe* no one told me and all those wave/ tsunami/surfing dreams were the real thing! I did have endless hours of dead sleep where freight trains could have run through my bed without my waking… They can be quite tranquil.

  6. There must be some sort of evolutionary reason for this…I can’t think of one tho–eeeew. FYI: it’s not necessary to pre-chew food anymore. Maybe get a food processor.

    1. If you say so. Maybe it’s just to control the size of the population. “Let’s make this as gross as possible so people won’t want to do this more than once.”

  7. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, no? I drooled ridiculously, sopping wet pillows each night. Back in the stoneage when I had my 2 my doc just looked at me odd when I mentioned it. I had a few weird thins happen with pregnancies. Weirdest one was with my first I lost all my body hair, and I mean ‘all’ my body hair (head hair thinner but still there thankfully) thanks to weird hormones. No need to shave or wax for months after either. Human body is plain weird.

    Sorry you are the human porcupine at the moment. Hope it’s the last instance of poking for a while. Mind you after the parasite makes it’s grand entrance (I picture dancing drag queens, glitter showers, and Broadway tunes at the birth)poking in any form will be the last thing on your mind. 🙂

    1. It just gets better and better, eh?

      Also? I’m pretty sure your doc looked at you odd no matter what you were saying, pookie. And that’s why I adore you so.

  8. The mentioning of Pavlov is perfect.

    When I was growing up, every kindergartener had a long handkerchief folded in half pinned to their uniform. You could do that too.

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