In the month of April, exactly sixty-four people landed on BugginWord after searching for “rod stewart latex.” Sixty-motherfucking-four people. Which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that my readers are incredibly confused and disturbed individuals….with decidedly dicey musical tastes.
Speaking of mean and horrible, I received this text from Thom yesterday: “Just in case you were having a good day, I feel the need to remind you that Sting did a song with Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams.”
Instead of the mean and horrible, today I’ll be focusing on the weird and horrible search queries that bring in fresh new readers. (And obviously by “fresh” I mean “weird Rod Stewart fetish having.”)
“blowing glitter portrait” – I don’t know what it is but I want one AND I want to know how to do it. Actually, I think Martha Stewart learned how to do them in prison. I’ll have to ask Ry since those two are so tight.
“david lee roth headband” – Did DLR wear headbands? I find that kind of hard to believe. I mean, when you’re doing ginormous roundhouse kicks with only a think layer of spandex strained over your balls, is your primary concern keeping your bangs out of your eyes? Really? Then again, maybe this gal is looking for a headband fashioned from a DLR figurine, kinda like a glam metal version of Stretch Armstrong. That makes WAY more sense. Just ignore that stuff I said about DLR’s unmanageable bangs.
“liberal ball sucking” – I’m pretty sure some crazed member of the tea-bagging party searched on this term in an attempt to determine why we emotionally immature left-winged hippies laugh at the name of their group. This is why, tea-baggers. Just in case I’m letting my political leanings skew my opinions, I feel the need to explore other possible interpretations of the term “liberal.” Just this morning in my medicine cabinet, I saw the word on a tube of …well the contents of the tube are not important, but it said, “Apply liberally to affected area.” The searcher could have simply hoped to find justification to “suck balls liberally.” ‘Cause that’s just so much different than tea-bagging. Quick – next topic.
“‘thought * was a girl’ halloween” – Yet again, I’m incredibly tempted to post the photo of my brother Thom as Daisy Duke. Yet again, I’m going to try and practice restraint. I’m known for my restraint, you know…almost as much as I’m known for my grace…and patience. (By the way, my house didn’t sell since yesterday. Fuck.) My brothers just look so nice in drag that it’s hard not to share.
“fantasize about Rocco” – Look. I’m not the jealous type, but let’s get one thing straight. I will cut a bitch. The end.
“80’s song lyrics bah bah bah bah bah” – I’ll have to double check with 80’s lyric expert Kelly here, but I don’t remember an 80’s song about sheep. Maybe Rod wrote such a song and I was fortunate enough to miss that little ditty. Though, for the record, I would pay money to see a sheep in latex.
“she stepped on the chicken’s neck” – I hope PETA never sees this particular post. Maybe I should lose that previous comment about latex clad sheep. But sometimes a gal gets tired of ponies in latex day in and day out. I don’t want to limit myself to just one type of livestock in latex. I need a little variety. Do you think you could get a chicken to wear latex? Obviously you could because, as that search query proves, chickens are into bondage.
I’m going to stop before any more animals are harmed in the making of this post. Have a big rock weekend, bitches. Don’t forget to write me a story while you’re drooling in a drunken stupor…instead of painting latex on animals…like usual. Do it for the kittens.