How the hell is it June already? Did May even happen? Did the Rapture suck up a mess of hours instead of pious people? Do cell phones cause brain tumors?
Oh wait, that last one is a little off topic. Blame Sprocket. Or just go read my thoughts on the subject here.
Meanwhile, back to the post at hand. It’s time to see just how sick and demented the people of the Interwebz are. (I’m totally going to ignore that weird sentence structure that just happened because this post will surely only get weirder.)
“how do unicorns feel” Have you ever seen “Get Him To The Greek?” Well they feel like that fur wall. Not unlike Rocco’s back or that area just behind my knees that I can’t seem to ever shave properly. That is, unless you’re asking about the emotional state of unicorns. That probably depends on how recently they’ve been ridden by Neil Patrick Harris.
“walnuts looks like vagina” Do they? Do they really? I feel like maybe you haven’t spent a lot of time looking at vaginas. I mean, at least you didn’t liken them to a cashew or *shudder* a brazil nut. And I guess all can be covered with chocolate. But walnuts look like brains. And while we ladies are occasionally known to think with our lady bits, they’ve never reminded me of a cerebellum.
“figment glitter” SQUEE! Do you remember that little purple dragon from Epcot? Was he the cutest thing ever? Would he or would he have not been even cuter doused in glitter? Dude. Here’s hoping I dream about NPH and Figment riding unicorns while playing ukuleles tonight. How do I make that happen? And is that narcotic considered safe during pregnancy?
“sinus infection caused by hedgehog” Look Mr. Gere, I think you’re really taking this whole love of small animals thing a little too far. What’s next? An iguana in your ear? It’s time for an intervention, Dick.
“old navy orientation” I suppose orientation was a trickier subject in the old navy than it is now in the new navy. That Don’t Ask Don’t Tell thing does put a crimp on your dating options, don’t it? Plus here’s to Old Navy getting on the band wagon and celebrating Pride Month. It’s enough to make a girl swing her glitter-crusted Figment around.
“willie nelson vagina” Are you the same person that thinks walnuts look like vaginas? If so, I think we’re getting to the root of the problem. If not…well…I’m sure if Willie DID have a vagina, he would have smoked it by now. No, I’m not at all sure what that means either. But clearly you’re just fucking with me at this point.
“mom growing a penis” Someone told me pregnant chicks grow all kinds of weird things – extra nipples, facial hair, horns – but apparently growing some junk ain’t that weird. I’m all over it. Or around it? Outside of it? When exactly did I lose all control over this post again? Time to abort. The post that is. Not the parasite. Holy hell this is just getting worse.
Until next month when I dazzle you with just how many people search for “in your face“…